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cant seem to drop the past


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I just cant seem to drop the past. Ive been dating my guy for 17 months. and a year ago his ex was still around sometimes, due to the fact that they had the same group of friends. my bf at the time was also selling pot. (he isnt anymore, thank god, but was at the time) he sold to his ex 2-4 times a year ago. Then I asked him to stop selling/talking to her and he did. He even sent a message to her saying how much he cared for me and didnt want anything to get in the way of it, and told her to stop texting him and trying to contact him. She listened. Then a few months later when the earthquake hit in japan he texted her asking if her dad was ok ( since he was in japan at the time) I got so jealous that he was showing compassion for her. Even though this stuff happened months and months ago, i cant shake it. Do i have any reason not to let these situations go? I wish I could.

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Well, you did ask him specifically to stop talking to her. So technically, I can see why you'd be upset because he went against his promise. However, the circumstance was extraordinary, don't you think? Did he tell you that he contacted her, or did you find out by another means?


If he hasn't talked to her since then, I really don't think you have any reason to be jealous.

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Well it's understandable that your feelings were hurt. Did you talk to him about it?


Having your feelings hurt is one thing, but holding on to that feeling of jealousy, especially if he is no longer in contact with her, is doing no one any good.

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yes we talked about it. and he got upset because he felt like he was just being nice by seeing if her family was okay. His one ex just gets under my skin..so much. They only dated 3 months. and he was single for 2 years before dating me. But she is one of those girls who is very needy..clingy..thinks that she can come and go whenever she wants. THey havent talked since then. I think he even deleted her number from his phone. But im having a very hard time letting go.

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You need to understand that you have no control over who has in his life. He is an adult, and as such, he was doing you a favor by cutting her out in the first place.


Take comfort from the fact that he has been very honest with you, and stopped talking to her, save for this one incident. To be honest, YOU are being the needy one in this situation.


Just make a decision to let it go, and be active in changing your thoughts about her.

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I completely agree. I know that I really should have no problems with this situation. since it is not really a situation. so what that he talked to someone or saw someone every once in a while, who he shared more of a friendship with, rather than anything romantic. I understand that. and he is the most laid back and not jealous person ever. so in his head, this stuff that happened is totally fine. but in my head, its not. even though i know i shouldnt have anything to worry about, its so so hard for me to bury my pride, and change.

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Ask yourself why you feel threatened by this girl. In order to understand your jealousy, you have to analyze why you are jealous, what is making you feel this jealousy. Because this is something that will follow you throughout your life and in every relationship that you will have.


This isn't about him or her. It's about you. So take a look!


Are there other situations where you've felt jealousy with him? Are you like this with his other ex-girlfriends? What makes this one so special?


Good luck!

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im like this over everything. more so this girl because she was around a lot in the beginning of our relationship. now she isnt around at all, and i still cant shake the jealousy. so i know it goes deeper than him. it goes to my other relationships as well. ive been cheated on and lied to in everyone. the woman that id be cheated on by would be the ex girlfriend. this has happened to me 4 times. so its very scary for me when the ex is involved, even if she is just a friend.

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Since this is more of a personal issue than it is an actual relationship problem, you're going to have to put the effort in to move past these residual feelings. It's not fair to your boyfriend, you know?


Have you considered therapy?

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some days good, some days bad. i recently was hired for a full time position, and i start working soon. ive been working part time and have had a lot of time on my hands, and think sooo much when i have so much free time. im hoping that working will make me focus on other things

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im kind of hoping that in time the brain will heal itself. ... im hoping that working will make me focus on other things


All right ... Well. Not gonna happen. Your brain is not going to "heal itself", sorry to say. This is all on you, unique. 100%.


How did you get that full-time position? Did you hope for it and eventually it just fell in your lap? Or did you have to put forth some effort in order to obtain it?


Hoping is great. It makes life worth living sometimes. But hope without effort and personal responsibility will get you nowhere. You've already seen what happens when you don't actively try to fix your problems ... Essentially, nothing.


So you came here for help, right? Well, this is what you're getting. What you do with it is your choice.

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1) Go see your doctor. Just your regular doctor, or even an urgent care doctor. Tell them that you would like to be referred to a therapist. They will probably ask you why, so just tell them that you've been having some ongoing issues with trust and anxiety, and that you feel it's time you talked to a professional. They will refer you to someone that is covered by your insurance. Do this NOW. As in, before you start this new job. DO NOT let this fall to the back-burner.


2) After you make your appointment, have a conversation with your boyfriend. Just let him know that you've decided to take responsibility for your own emotions, and that you are going to take steps toward fixing some of your unhealthy patterns. Make it known that you may have a hard time while going through this process, and that his support would be appreciated.


3) Commit to it. Don't stop when it gets hard (it WILL), and don't give up.

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