Ex Issues That Seem to Be Affecting New Relationship

[Cheeky_DeeDee]

Hi everyone - this is my first 'personal' post & I am not sure even where to start.. Sorry if its a bit too long.. thought I needed to put in a bit of background.. Well, here goes...

 

I was with my ex for 4 yrs (2 of those spent living togethor).. We split up last year as our relationship wasnt really going anywhere anymore & we were both miserable. It was kind of mutual, but to be honest I didnt really have a choice, as it was obvious that he didnt want us to be togethor anymore & he had told me that he had no intentions of getting married to me or having children with me in the future... I promptly moved out of his house and back to my parents.. I suppose I didnt feel as bad as I should have felt but I think its because I expected it & I longed to be free of him as I was so unhappy at the time. I couldnt do the 'No Contact' thing as I worked with him so for five days a week I had to put up with it & see him constantly - it was pure hell as I thought I missed him (now I realise that I actually missed the 'routine')..

Its been over a year now since we split up, we still work togethor & we are now talking properly (as 'work friends') as we no longer feel anything for each other - he is now in a relationship & so am I! It took me a year to feel ready to have a boyfriend, as I was scared of going through the same sort of emotional pain with someone else. I decided to stick with my close friends & not get emotionally attached to anyone in particular, simply have fun! It worked for a while but when I least expected it I met someone that literally swept me off my feet!

 

I've been with my new partner for about 3 months now & all seems to be going rather well as he is very different from my ex & he is really affectionate. The problem is that I can see that the relationship I had with my ex has affected me in several ways...

My ex cheated on my a few times whilst we were togethor (& some whilst we were on a 'break') so I certainly have trust issues - the mad thing is that I know that the man I am with at the moment would never do that to me as he is far to open & honest! Still, I find myself becoming a bit of a green-eyed monster at times but so far I've been able to control myself & he hasnt even noticed! Another issue is with myself as my ex had said some rather hurtful things to me when we were togethor & its hard to simply let go of them, thereforeeee I'm rather conscious at times & not as carefree as I would like to be! I cant stop 'comparing' certain things about my new partner with my ex & its actually alright as I can see how different they really are so it should be a breath of fresh air but on the other hand I am not sure how to 'deal' with my new partner! He is laid back when my ex wasnt, he's not vain whereas my ex was, he compliments me whereas my ex didnt etc etc..

 

My new boyfriend has quite a busy schedule; work, clubs, fitness, friends, etc and so I dont really see him as often as I would like and sometimes feel like a second priority - we had a chat about this the other night & he apoligised & agreed not to make any plans last night so that we could spent some quality time togethor. The problem I have is that I cant seem to communicate properly with my new boyfriend as I get embaressed and shy when I realise I need to have an in depth chat with him about something or other - he is quite an innocent, sort of shy, naive guy (the sort that asks "are you fine?" and us women answer "yeah" in the most unconvincing tone EVER but they simply smile & say "ok thats ok then"... rather that push us for an answer!!)..

 

I never had this problem with my ex as he was really easy to talk to about serious stuff but now I feel as if im sounding paranoid/unreasonable/acting like a drama queen, etc if i try to open up to my current boyfriend! HELP!

[lolie]

mmm I really don't think you should stress out over all this. Its all normal, you're not gonna forget a 4-years long relationship just by dating someone else..

 

I think all you said shows that

a) you're a caring person and you don't want your current bf to be your "rebound" (excuse the expression), so you don't want to hurt his feelings and that's really the number 1 criterium that will make your current relationship work, so its all good

 

and b) your current bf sounds like a dream guy, so don't worry, he'll understand everything and you could even tell him about all you said here..

 

Now about what you said there :

I never had this problem with my ex as he was really easy to talk to about serious stuff but now I feel as if im sounding paranoid/unreasonable/acting like a drama queen, etc if i try to open up to my current boyfriend!

Its not that it was easier to communicate with your exbf, its that you were with him for 4 years, plus you were working with him !! Of course it's easier to talk to someone you know really well, as well as someone you know won't leave you just like that, cause of all the time you spent together... Communication with your current bf will eventually be as easy as it was with your ex, you just gotta be patient..

 

Good luck with everything

[Cheeky_DeeDee]

Thanks for the advice! Its just so hard to communicate with him! He is a dream man in so many ways but he's ALWAYS with his friends or has other plans and I'm never going to get to know him if I hardly spend time with him though am i?!

 

I've mentioned this to him & he understood but he really hasnt made any changes.. I hadnt seen him all week as he had other commitments so he promised he would come get me last night at a certain time but he was over an hour late as he decided to go with his friend to do something beforehand & took his time.. Might sound like unnecessary whinging however, I had been ready & waiting for ages & really lookin forward to seeing him!

[upstatemedic]

Hey Cheeky-

 

I think you might be pulling a little classic feminine overanalysis. Calm down and relax a bit, and you might find that there are fun parts of this new relationship that you were previously too buy overanalyzing to notice.

 

Some suggestions:

 

1) Do some stuff with your new BF that you did with your old BF. This will re-assign the positive feelings that came with those things to the new guy, booting the old guy out of the picture. If you and your old BF had a favorite restaurant, go there a few times. That kinda stuff.

 

2) Do some stuff with your new BF that you NEVER did with your old one. This will inject some adventure into your relationship and start creating some associations with this new guy that are unique to your new relationship. Instead of going to the supermarket, do the week's shopping at the local farmers' market. Take karate lessons, or swing dancing.

 

3) Get at least *something* on a set schedule that you do together. If you're frusterated with his clubs and other activites, look at what they have in common: they're probably almost all scheduled at a regular time every week or every month. So naturally a relationship that can fit in between will do just that. So make a particular night each week "your night" to eat out, or to cook for each other, or to go watch a movie. That way he can schedule around it, and you can feel just as important (or more so) than all that other stuff...

 

Good luck!