Hidden from New GF's Ex-Boyfriend; Threats & Problems

[Darius22]

Okay, so here's the situation. I've posted about this before, somewhat .. but I need more clarity. People please shed some light on this! It's a little long, but I want a lot of opinions.. so please help me out here. I've been going out with this girl for around 3 months, and so far everything is going really good, with the exception of a couple of things. This is the first girl that I've actually felt a lot of feelings for, and truly loved. I'm always there for her, and we've been very close especially in the last month. I'm always writing poems to her, letters, planting her flowers, telling how much I love her, and trying to make her like the most special girl on the planet. We spend a lot of time together, and when we are together I feel so complete and happy. She's a little shy, but she has told me that she loves me a lot and that she's very happy with me.

 

Now, here's the problem. Well, there's two problems.

Problem #1) She's working for her ex-boyfriends uncle. I have a huge problem with this because she is always in contact with them, and her ex-boyfriend is around a lot due to the family nature, etc. She is trying to get another job and get out of there after I told her that I don't like it at all, etc, etc. SHE doesn't really think it's a big deal, and she still calls her ex's uncle "Uncle" and it just seems like such a close relationship. She goes out with them to dinners, and these other so-called "work events" that just seems more like family time. It's really, really hard on me. This kind of ties in with problem #2.

 

Problem #2) Her ex-boyfriend. They went out for around five years, and broke up almost a year ago. He initially broke up with her, then they got back together for a month when she broke up with him because things still wern't working. Now, normally a year or so after a break-up everything should be okay. However, this isn't the case .. and it's becoming a huge issue to me, and us. After they finally broke up, her ex-boyfriend has been writing letters to her for half a year. She has kept him hidden from me, which I've been finding out about.. and it hurts me so much. She's a really, really nice girl. But she's too nice. She's always trying to keep things balanced, and so she was trying to keep her ex-boyfriend happy and me happy at the same time. Her ex still calls her when he's drunk, tells her how much he cares about her still, and she says that she owes him so much. This is a problem to me because it seems like they're too close still, especially after a year. She said that she doesn't have any feelings for him, which I believe somewhat.. the problem is more him. I know how most guys think, and he's playing the really protective, caring role and not really letting her go at all even though they're not going out. I told her I didn't like this around a month ago, and she said that it's always him calling her and that she doesn't really take any initiative. Anyways, she said that she wouldn't talk to him at all so that he kind of gets the hint.

 

That was a month ago. Since then, I've found out that he's called her cell phone sometimes, and sometimes frequently (ie: 5 calls within 10 minutes). Also, I found a letter by accident from him. The letter pretty much said he still loved her, but they can't be together, etc, etc.. which wasn't too bad, but still.. the emotion and feelings that he has towards her is really starting to get to me. She went to a wedding for one of her ex's friends, and I talked to her around 6:00pm at night (her ex-boyfriend was there, which I had another big problem with). She said everything was okay, and that she would be at home around 10:00pm. She never called me, and I got worried and kept calling her over and over and over again, with no response. Finally she called me at 3:00am and said she was really really tired and going to bed (and that was it, no emotion). I asked her if she was okay, what was wrong.. she said nothing. I was concerned, so I asked her who dropped her off, when she left the wedding, etc and she said that one of her friends had dropped her off. Okay, whatever.. the days passed (this is all leading to something).

 

Now comes this weekend. We spent 4 days together, went on a little trip.. everything was SO good. Best time I've ever had in my life, she told me all the time how much she loved me, how much joy I am in her life. Everything seemed picture perfect. She was supposed to go to work at her ex's uncles on Monday, but she called and said that she wouldn't be back until Tuesday and probably couldn't work until Wednesday. We got back Monday night, she slept over at my house. Monday morning she got a phone call from her ex-boyfriend, and she called him back from my house number. She got off the phone, and said that it was her work calling. Then she got another call on her cell phone, and told me to go away. I said no, and she kept talking (it was her ex-boyfriend again). They got in a big argument, and she said "it's okay, I'll see you at 3:00 tonight" .. he said "no, I can't be there then" .. and he said "Where have you been? Can't I care for you anymore? I don't get it" and then, this is the killer here. He said "Is there another guy?" and she said "No", RIGHT in front of me. We've been going out 3 months, and she says no. Absolutley destroyed me. They get in a fight, he hangs up. I talk to her, freak out ask her what the hell is going on. Apparntely she had to see him to sign something for a medical plan that he put her on in his company. I don't know, this just isn't adding up anymore.. especially when I find out that HE was the one who dropped her off the night she was out late at the wedding she went to when she didn't call me at all. She comes home in a sour mood, says that she was just sick from drinking and that's it. She told me a little more, saying that he's really protective of her and wants to know what's happening with her because she doesn't talk to him much anymore. The thing is, he doesn't KNOW about me. She's keeping me hidden from him, and I don't like it at all. He called my house back, and she told me to act like I don't know her at all. She said he'll find out where I live and probably want to kill me. I'm not afraid at all, I'm just torn apart by this and I don't get how this can happen. Anyways, she calls him back and finds out that he traced my number, was in his car and heading over to my house and wanted to know who picked up the phone. She said that it was a friend she was staying with, and that she didn't want to talk to him and told them to tell him that they didn't know who she was. So, he said "I don't want to talk to you ever again, I'm dropping your stuff off at your house". HE still has her stuff at his house, and they've been broken up for over a year? Anyways, that's how the situation sits right now. She still says she has no emotions for him, and that he's just caring for her. This is way too much for me, and I said that I want him to be gone completely. I said I don't want to be hidden with her, and I want her ex to know about us. She said not now, it's for the best of us because if he knows about us he will get really jealous and attempt to destroy our relationship. She said if we keep hidden for a bit then we can ease into it later, and that she wants our relationship to last.

 

I told her she has to be firm, strong and tell him that it's over and that she's not going to talk to him. She's not this type of girl, she's really nice, always trying to make everyone happy, and whatnot. HE says he doesn't want to talk to her again, but I know how emotions are and it seems like there's just so much more emotion on his side. Now, WHAT DO I DO? She says that if I go up to him and talk to him, or if I call him (which I really want to do) and let him know that she has a boyfriend, etc, that our relationship will be over. But at the same time I don't want to keep hidden, damnit. It just seems like she's paranoid of him and that he has so much more control over her. We're in love. I know it. But I don't know what the hell is going on with this and it's driving me mad. She says she doesn't want anyone to hate her, but it's driving us apart. She says that she wants to deal with it herself, and that it's best. I feel like it's hard to trust her now, and I want to let her deal with it but somehow I feel like it won't be resolved and now I have to be extra sensitive and careful with her. She lied to me before about him dropping her off from the wedding, and her not talking to him .. I don't know what else! She says that she lied to make both me and him happy. Still, the trust issue is very hard for me to deal with. Argh. Why is life so complicated? Damn.

[Cloud802]

Ok, this is the situation dude. There is two possibilities, one is that she is cheating, which probably isn't true.

 

... The other one is that she is trying to protect you from him, you never got any solid details as to why they broke up, so he's probably a stalker. This may sound kind of stupid but you need to keep an eye on the two of them, if you find out that he's a bad guy then contact the police, just DON'T contact him yourself, you could get killed if this is the situation. If your g/f spots your spying just tell her the truth. You don't have to resort to spying if you can talk about it though, I hope this is helpful, as me and my g/f have handled two stalkers and I pretty much know what to do.

[greenie35]

Hey hey...

 

This is my view of the story...and you told the story well...

 

I think she probably is a really nice girl...and like you said too nice. You obviously have some quality that her ex was lacking, but then again there is that bond that 5 young years together creates. You experience alot in five years (don't know if you've had a realationship that long) Obviously you get super close to family and probably have many mutual friends. I'm sure she does love you but she probably still loves him. Not to say that the love is anything like the love she has for you. It's the bond that hasn't been broken. If she is entirely in love with you she would be able to tell him straight up that she has moved on in her love life and that he is no longer in the picture. True, he may be a stalker perhaps dangerous, if this is the case it is best to let her work things out and not get involved. When things are resolved we can only hope she will come back with a clear state of mind and her best intentions. But as of right now it sounds like a lot of unnecessary stress. Trust me I know the overwhelming feeling of love and also the anxiety that accompanies dealing with ex's of the long term variety. If your confident in her love for you and your love for her...it's best to just say..."hey I'm gonna step back and let you handle this...call me stop by...what have you...but don't get yourself in so deep that you find yourself in any physical battles or emotional ones...time will tell...you sound charming...good luck!