just need some good advice

[slammin16]

I have posted on here quite a few times about self blame. I keep telling myself it was my fault, I deserved to get dumped. It has been months since the BU and I CANT shake the what ifs.

 

How do you stop blaming yourself for the break up?

 

I can't seem to enjoy many things I do anymore, I think I may be mildly depressed.

 

was I just a crappy boyfriend? was it just not meant to be?

 

I feel like a loser while she is off living her life

 

Why can't I just understand that I tried my best. I keep telling myself I should of tried harder.

 

I am sick of these feelings and thoughts in my brain.

 

please help

[magnoliatree]

what happened?

[LTS48]

Never thought I'd be the one making this post:

 

Delete her and her friends off FB.

 

Delete her contact information.

 

Let it hurt.

[rbsx]

Give it time bro, there is no substitute for time.

[hecubus]

I think in any situation, there's oportunity to learn something about yourself and make improvements. Those things have to be for yourself though, tearing yourself apart and obsessing over mistakes in the past doesn't fix anything, if anything it just reenforces them in your mind so you keep thinking about them. Don't try to fix yourself for the other person or try to be the person you think they wanted. Be who you want to be. I tend towards obsessing over things myself, so my advice for how to lose the negative thoughts is to distract yourself with something else or the positive alternative to whatever negative thing you are feeling.

 

What positive things can you do to build yourself up, and be a better/stronger person?

 

I tended to be the type to neglect relationships, so when things hit bottem for me, I took the oportunity to call up some friends and family that I had fallen out of contact with. I also have had trouble with expressing myself and that was an issue in my marriage; one way I've worked on that is to start journaling - just writing down my feelings and what's gone on, expression in a private but real way.

 

Forgive yourself, and move on from the relationship. Look for what is holding you back or in a repeating pattern and do something else (you mention booze/drugs in another post and that will certainly hold you back if it's in excess). There's so much that's outside your control too. You can't hold yourself responsible for your SOs failings or choices, and trust me nobody is perfect. Let them take some of the blame.

 

I went through several months of individual and couples concelling when my marriage started to fall apart. I have to say, the couples counceling went nowhere, but I found the individual therapy helpful. If nothing else, I walked away with some strategies and understandings about myself and had a sounding board for figuring out my feelings. If you think you are depressed, you probably are. Find someone to talk it out with in a way that works for you. Give your feelings some time to sort themselves out, it will take time.

 

That, and just do something fun that you enjoy. Sports, games, whatever. Being serious all the time is too much for anyone.

[LaKings55]

Sometimes trying too hard in a relationship is a bad thing. You can come accross as suffocating, needy, etc. All bad things to be, especially as a man. We must be confident, decisive, etc. Relationships are a two-way street. There needs to be some give and take. And when you're doing all the giving, that's a very bad thing. Just remember all the things she did that annoyed you. If she really loved you, she'd realize her mistake and try to contact you. But in a lot of break-ups, you get to see what the other person really felt. If they just walk away, and that's that, then you know she didn't truly care for you. That's not your fault, and there's nothing you could have done differently. In the end, we want to be loved for who we are, not for who they wanted us to be. Is it really worth having someone in your life just for the sake of it, when you're not necessarily getting much out of it. There are periods in a relationship where it's ok to be a little selfish at times. As long as there's some concessions and reciprocation. In my case, it was give give give on my part. I guess I should've just been thankful and kept my mouth shut because of the sex. She underestimated me though, unlike a lot of guys, my brain doesn't just shut up because I'm getting some. Sex isn't important enough to me to turn a blind eye to the lies and avoidance.

[endy]

Read first and foremost... Getting past your breakup by Susan Elliot. If you want to love yourself more after that and really get everything back up to par... Check out You can heal your life by Louise Hay as well.

 

Stop blaming yourself. A breakup isn't one person's fault. Once you read those books you'll notice that.

[Snuggly]

A breakup totally is not one persons fault. And you NEVER know what was going on in their mind or life. There are too many variables. I didnt account for his "morally loose" boss. Or his jealousy of my kids. Or lots of other stuff. Try to not blame yourself, but learn and move forward. Just dont go into another relationship til you are finished grieving