When to give up

[VPixie]

I don't want to spend a long time on a back story, as details get important, i will supply them.

I love my boyfriend very much, and we live together. Our lives are pretty knit together. It is an unspoken understanding that we want to spend the rest of our life together. (we don't want to get ahead of ourselves, so we don't take our talk to that level yet.)

 

We have begun to fight all the time. I don't know what it is, but I know he thinks that it is me, and that I am unreasonable. He either doesn't believe we have relationship problems, or he blames me for them, saying I am unreasonable, and that I am self destructive in our relationship.

He does things that hurt my feelings all the time, then expects a simple "i'm sorry" to fix everything. when it doesn't, he gets very angry and accuses me of wanting to make things worse.

 

We recently moved in with mutual friends (another couple). They never fight, and it made me realize how much we DO fight. My roommates know us both, and like us both, but have been giving me subtle hints that he is passivly controlling and that they think he is unreasonable.

 

I'm not very happy in this relationship, but I'm so attached, I don't know if I have the strength to break up with him. It would completely uproot my life, and I'm scared to death of that.

 

I really want to work at it, and he has brought up counseling in the past. I just dont know when you should call it quits. When do you know that It is just not going to work out, and to just save yourself the heartache? I know he isn't going to break up with me for the same reasons i won't wit him.

 

I am the first to be worried about my sisters bad relationships, and I think I am missing the signs that I am wasting my time trying to love someone who isn't healthy.

Breaking up should be the last resort, what options should I excersise to know if I have tried everything?

[Runnergrl]

Hello..

What makes you so attached? I think you need to really examine your feelings and decide what is it that you are scared of losing. Just having someone there? Is living together causing more drama? You guys need to TALK! Try to REALLY get to the root cause of the problem. What types of things does he feel are self destructive?

 

I don't think you should hold on b/c it is what you are comfortable with. Try to talk to him..let him speak (no interrupting) and express yourself. But, I think you may need to do some thinking on your own regarding why you are still with this person. Is it love or dependency?

 

I do hope that it works out for the best and you become happy with your decision.

[VPixie]

It is very difficult because we have knit our lives together so close. We work together in the same office same company, we have the same friends, we live together in a one year lease we can't break (with roommates), and I am going to school full time, while working full time. It would be very hard for me to break up with him while I have so much going on right now.

I have made my life revolve around him, and his revolve around mine, and I'm sure that is what started the problem. We have lived together since we started dating (somewhat accidentaly).

I am hoping once my classes start, we will have enough time apart that we don't feel as cramped.

When I ask him if he is happy with me, and if he would ever want to end it, he tells me that he has never thought of ending it, and he loves me very much. If he feels that strongly, is it worth it to keep trying until we both feel like its going nowhere?

Is it better to be 100% certain, than to break up and never know if you did the right thing?

[lisaria]

Hey Vpixie,

It sounds to me like you guys should try to work on this. You say you want to make it work and he says he's never thought of breaking up, then work on it! You have a lot on you. Work and school full time is stressful. Stress makes you irritable which probably makes him irritable and then you're both not fun to be with.

Have things been going good until you moved in with someone else? That is also more stress. Don't worry about how much they don't argue and you do, that is no indicator of love. People have their own communication style and as long as everybody is communicating that's all that matters. As long as you guys "hear" what each other is saying.

The only thing though, is that if you do decide to work on it, then do it with your whole heart, not wishy washy. One day, yeah, next day welllll....maybe. You have to be sure. It's hard work but it's worth it. Sit down and talk to him. Show him you love him. You already have a history together, do you want to throw it away?

This is definitely different for me. I am usually an advocate for NC, but this sounds to me like you guys have a chance and love should never be given up on if there is even a teensy piece of chance.

I wish you both all the best.

[hardcore]

hey whatcan i say other then love suckes

[VPixie]

Lisaria, (& runnergrl)

Thank you so much.

I do love him, and I do want to make it work. I am the one who is always looking at my friends relationships and worrying if they are happy, and it has made me parinoid. I feel like I am missing all the signs that my relationship might be failing.

The problems were there long before we moved in with anyone. From the time that I was 6, I had an adult mentor. She was great, and we interacted as best friends. She told me all about her life and what was going on with all her adult friends. One of them got married. About 4 months after, she kept telling me how she hated hanging out with them because they fought and nitpicked all the time. The friend kept telling her how happy she was married though. "I think she believes that all relationships are like that, but I certainly would want a relationship where things are always on edge." I was young, and always remembered that. Now I think about it, and I don't want to be one of those people who thinks that "everybody fights. This is completely normal" because isn't that how disfunctional relationships begin? When you guys are in your relationships, how often do you argue? What usualy ends the argument?

[VPixie]

I am usually an advocate for NC,

 

What is NC?

[RayKay]

Well, there is a difference between constructive "fights" and destructive ones. The first, it is the actual issue that is being constructively resolved, there is respect, compassion and flexibility from both sides.

 

In the latter, the issue being fought over is NOT the "real issue", there is too much stubborness, disrespect, name calling, and the argument occurs over and over again.

 

If you are fighting all the time that is not good. If you fight sometimes, that is fine - you ARE different people! Just learn and grow from it!

[lisaria]

Hi Vpixie,

NC is the No Contact rule. But I really feel that is not for you guys.

Maybe you are just being paranoid about your relationship. Relax and let things go, stop thinking so much about your friends words. I know easier said than done, but you can do it.

 

Have you told him about your fears and worries? If not, then do so and start over from there. If you guys are both willing to work at this then you'll do ok. I'm rooting for ya'

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

lisaria

[VPixie]

Something that causes problems is that he has a lot of difficulty when it comes to understanding empathy, and compassion.

Also RayKay was talking about destructive fights.

He doesn't really know how to talk about "the real issue".

I will be upset about him being negative and irritable, and in the process took it out on me.

The whole time he will be fighting and arguing about how it is so lame that I am upset, and that I shouldn't be. We end up fighting about two separate things. He's pissed because I am angry, and I am pissed because he hurt my feelings. He argues that I shouldn't be so upset. I argue about how I feel mistreated. He refuses to see that what he did really was the wrong way to treat me, and is horrible at apologies.

I am really really good about apologies, and when I know I did something stupid, I tell him exactly how much I suck for what I did. My problem is accepting apologies. I hate just getting a quick "okay, I'm sorry." after an hour of fighting. In that hour he has done twenty more things that need an apology, and I don't like letting him off the hook so quickly.

I have been working on that SO MUCH, but I don't feel like he is working on getting better at apologies.

 

We resolved our most recent argument, and now he is sweeter than ever, and making a HUGE effort. In the back of my mind I keep thinking it isn't going to last. That is definatly one of those things that makes him call me self destructive.

 

I will take any advice on my shortcomings as well, I'm not the relationship master or anything

[VPixie]

Does anyone on the board have livejournal?