Pressure her, Wait it out, or Leave?

[jkarias]

I'm a single guy who's involved with a married woman. I've known her for a while and I always thought she had a perfect marriage. I recently learned that wasn't the case. We were spending time together one day, and she crumbled, telling me all of these horrible things her husband has done to her. I was amazed that her man was such a bum.

 

Since then our relationship has turned into an affair. We realized after a while that we had an emotional bond. Soon after we found this out, she approached her husband and expressed all of her bottled up feelings. Two days ago she told me she's at a "crisis point." She said that she has an obligation to try and work things out with her husband. She says she will soon know which way her marriage is going to go.

 

Remaining sympathetic to her situation, being there as a sounding board, and not putting pressure on her has gotten me to this point in record time. My goal here is not just sex...I care for this girl and I want to get her out of that marriage.

 

I don't like just sitting around as a sounding board when I could be doing more, though. I would regret it if I didn't do everything I could to influence her decision. I also don't like the fact that I have no leverage in this situation...I'd like to have some say in how this is going to turn out.

 

Should I put more pressure on this woman (like asking her to leave him, telling her I have to move on, or even leaving her outright) to come my way? Or should I just wait and remain a sounding board as I have been? Which course of action would have the greatest chance of influencing the final outcome?

[mscolly]

I'm a husband that was in a similar situation to yours, as the husband in this case. Similar, but not the same. There were problems between my wife and I, but I don't think you could talk about mistreatment. If anything, it was the lover who mistreated and used her.

 

She said that she has an obligation to try and work things out with her husband

 

That she has. Sometime ago she committed herself by marriage. She owes her husband the best possible chance to make it work, without any outside influences. If you really care for her, you want her to be happy, the happiest possible. And she might be happiest with her husband, and she won't be happy if she didn't at least try her best to make it work.

 

I also don't like the fact that I have no leverage in this situation

 

That's what being a lover to a married person is all about, I'm afraid. No rights, no-one will agree that you did the right thing, you're always a home breaker.

 

If you really care for her, be there for her, but don't try to influence her. Let her choose. Don't forget, you've only heard her side of the story. Try to put yourself in the husband's shoes. Perhaps he's not such a bum after all: there are always 2 sides to every story.

 

Another aspect: she's lied and cheated to her husband. Do you really want to be with a liar and a cheater? The next time it might be your turn.

 

Sorry if I sound a bit hard on you, but marriage promises are promises and they deserve some respect. From your post, it seems that you're only interested in what you want. There are at least 2 other people involved here.

[american dream]

Please realize what you are doing is inappropriate. Period. You should not be carrying on with a married woman. If she needs to leave her husband, she should leave him. Then hook up all you want. Her crisis point maybe that she likes the fun and adventure of being in an affair but doesnt want to get out of her marriage yet. You have to be the better person and stop seeing her until her marriage issues are resolved.

[hurtabandoned]

Try to put yourself in the husband's shoes. Perhaps he's not such a bum after all: there are always 2 sides to every story.

Don't believe everything that you here. My husband cheated on me a few months back. Can you guess what kind of story he was telling the other woman. Someone who is cheating on their spouse has to explain their actions some how. My husband not only told her how "terrible" I was but he was also telling her that they could have a future together. All of it was just lies to keep her on the hook.

 

Which course of action would have the greatest chance of influencing the final outcome?

 

Influencing her decision is not something you need to be a part of. It is not your job to help her out of her marriage. Maybe she is rethinking her actions, as well she should. You should step back and respect those boundaries and her decisions.

 

Mscolly is right, there is much more at stake here than your feelings. You don't know this other man at all. You don't live in their home so you really have no clue as to what is really going on. Think about it this way, would you want someone moving in on your wife? I doubt it.

 

Would you really be happy if you pressured her into leaving her husband? That may be what's best for you but what about her? If she leaves under the influence of somebody else then realizes that isn't what she wanted, where does that leave her? It leaves her nowhere, without the husband that she wished she hadn't left.

 

Besides that, why would you want someone that you had to push into being with you?

 

She has expressed her desire to work on things with her husband. The only choice you have is to let it go. Stay completely out of it and break contact. That's not your turf.