Is there hope for this relationship?

[dark angel9]

OK, so I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. We are exclusive and just 2 weeks ago he said that he wants something really serious with me, possibly leading to marriage.

 

This is all well and good, but our communication is not the best. We only see each other 2-3 times a week and some of that time is spent in groups of friends. I usually have to initiate get togethers. He always says yes, but I am annoyed that it's always me suggesting things like "there is this movie I want to see!" etc.

 

In between that, he never calls me. He sends me texts very inconsistently. Some days, he will be super affectionate and send me love songs and hearts every hour. Other days, I hear nothing. If I text him first, he will respond briefly and soon stop responding. I am kind of sick of hot/cold. I can't even tell if I am over-reacting as it's not like he goes days without contact. But I am a pretty sensitive person and notice those nuances.

 

To make things worse, he told me that he has feelings for me but is not "head over heels" in love yet. This of course bothers me. He says that it's normal for him and it just takes time.

 

I have a lot on my plate as I am in my final year of a PhD program. I really, really don't want to invest my time into something that is a losing proposition. This is actually a really bad time for me to be in a relationship at all, and I have planned to remain single. I met him unexpectedly.

 

A part of me really wants to just pull back completely. Stop initiating texts and stop asking to see him completely and see what happens. On the other hand, I don't want to play games. Another part of me just wants to break it off and let go of this stress. I even tried to break up with him 2 months ago but he cried and convinced me not to. He communicated better for the next week or so but then it went back to same old.

 

How would you play this?

[NANsense]

Personally....I would back off from initiating contact & setting up dates & see what he does...if you're upset that you are the only one making effort = stop making effort!

 

How do you feel about him--other than upset at his hot/cold contact? It sounds as though you are unsure of your own feelings & possibly looking for an out?

 

I have to say that find it odd to say he hopes to marry you in one breath & in the next that he isn't head over heals in love...this doesn't add up IMO & generally I'd suspect someone saying that wants physical intimacy & to have an "out" at the same time....it's like the excuse has already been given up front...this would make me suspicious too...

[pepsidude]

Many guys are like that - hot/cold stuff. What does he do during the days? Because quite often, guys just want to focus on one thing at a time. So if he is working or studying intensively, i think its perfectly normal to disappear a bit, at least for biggest part of the day.

 

I think that you have to ask yourself 2 questions:

- Could you take this kind of hot/cold behavior for years?

- Is the relationship so special that you are willing to adapt yourself to accommodate him and his behavior?

 

If your answers are 2 "no"s, i dont see the point of continuing with the guy, especially considering that you already tried to breakup with him. But, if you answered "yes" 2 times... Then you just need to learn to live with it.

[thedude3000]

These are all red flags that you've pointed out. You do not want to be the 80% to his 20%. I agree with your idea to just back off. This isn't healthy for you. Also if he is talking about marriage, but then tells you he's not "head over heels" for you that is a huge red flag. This guy has emotional issues and is not likely to know what he wants anytime soon. Unfortunately for you it's a rollercoaster that will have you guessing at every turn when you should just be able to enjoy the relationship. It seems like you are uncomfortable with the situation and don't let yourself feel stuck here just because there are a few good things. You need to have a clear head to focus on your schooling and you need someone in your life who is comfortable being supportive of you, not dragging you down emotionally. I think you know what to do to better yourself in this situation. Good luck.