Going to give a healing journal a try...

[Ayreonfae]

I will add more later when I have time and strength, but I have to get this out now.

Yesterday my son ( 6 year old with autism) came home from school and one of the pictures in his backpack was of 3 people, I asked him to tell me what it was a picture of and he said "my family". Normally his pictures have the 4 of us, so this saddened me in many ways. His HAB provider was there and she said it was a good opportunity to see if he would take about it since in the last 3 months he hasn't really.

We asked him who was missing from the picture and he named Her, our room mate, my sister, but never his father. So we probed a little and asked where daddy was and he said in a very sharp voice that is not normal for him "he has his OWN house". It broke my heart to heart his anger and see his understanding of the situation and also kinda to see that he has accepted it better than I have.

 

Then when he called to say good night to the boys he kept asking if we had a good day or if I had a good day and i kept saying yes, then i decided to ask about his day which it seemed was what he wanted and he went off about OT and the shopping for a new car and kept saying we, then he asked why i have been so quiet lately (because I have been trying to keep my contact with him limited to necessary things related to the boys or other important details) and I have no idea why but i answered "I am trying to build a life"

Due to our circumstances I get to spend all day Sunday with him and the boys, help him shop for cars, then he has to stay the night so I can work (4am-8am) because my normal caregiver can't, this will be the first time he has stayed the night since he left and it also happens to be the 3rd month anniversary of him leaving. So all of that on top of a stressful evening with the boys I broke down and cried after the phone call was over. I almost called him back and unloaded on him, but I didn't, I texted my sister a little and then went to sleep.

I feel better this morning after a full night sleep, but the more I try to let go it seems the more I start to miss him.

[soul_soother]

When I was 10 my new neighbor was a single father with an Autistic child who was a year younger then me. Kenny is his name. Over the years, I have to say the father is one of the strongest willed and impressive caring fathers I've ever meet. Kenny grew to become a brother to me and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him. He has such a great heart. His father told me that caring for a special needs child is very challenging but he wouldn't change it for a second. It takes a dedicated heart for the situation and obviously you have that heart. Being a single mom is incredibly difficult as it is, where this person gets off for leaving you I dont know. Just know that you are appreciated and that the difficult path eventually will be easier for you. Know that you have love out there and people like me who see you as a modern day hero. Keep your chin up high! Best wishes

[hotnspicychikn]

Glad to see you trying this as well, hope it helps you as it is helping me. It's so hard. My son might be autistic as well. We were working on getting him a diagnosis but have yet to get one. They are leaning towards a diagnosis of Asperger's and ADD. I need to get the diagnosis process complete so he can get the help he needs in school. I understand what you are going through, seeing our children hurting is much harder then any pain we ourselves feel. Hang in there Ayreonfae, I think you are doing great!!

[Ayreonfae]

Thanks

 

Today sucks. Granted that time of the month just started a whole 10 minuets ago so that could be part of the reason i am a mess. I just got home from dropping him off at a car dealership to buy the exact same car he bought me in Nov, just silver not gray. It is a little odd that we have matching cars. Being with him for so long From 10am yesterday till noon today, minus sleeping and a 4 hour work shift sucks. It just rips down everything i build sometimes. We took the boys to the zoo yesterday then had lunch and walked around the mall, then came home and had a normal ole family evening. He found the car he bought in his price range online at the same dealership we got mine at and it is a few blocks away from my house and we went over there and he bought it. Now I am home with the lil one and he is where ever. Which was the plan, nothing happened nothing bad or good, just a normal 2 days. Yet I have lost count of how many times I have cried today. (never in front of him) No matter what he has done, I still want him to come back. I can't let go or get over him no mater how much I want this to stop. I try to think of having a new life with a new person but it isn't appealing really, I want him. I know it will never be what it was and I know we both have growig to do, but I want to do it with him, as a family.

[Ayreonfae]

I found some silly reason to call him and we just chatted till my sons state case worked showed up for an appt and I actually had to cut him short which I felt t bad but it was also nice knowing he wanted to to talk to me and not just hang up on me as soon as he could. It was relaxing. I think I just needed to have a good bye for the week or what ever on a calm controlled note not the internal despair way it was at the dealership. I doubt this is a good reason to feel better and I am still sad and miss him, but I feel less crazed.

[hotnspicychikn]

I hope you are doing better today!

[Ayreonfae]

So my youngest is now also going to be tested for Autism. He is already as high functioning as his older brother but he does have some concerns. I let my husband know that the dr wanted to test on Tuesday night, and last night I get an email from him saying...

 

"I feel bad for wanting (youngest) to not be autistic. I know it's just a different way, but he isn't (oldest) and his feelings get hurt so easy. I don't want him to have to go thru that. It's not going to be easy for him if he is. I just want to hold them and keep them from being hurt like I was at their age. I don't know. I want them to have the best shot at this life as we can get them. Granted I'm not doing much to help that I know, But I love them and...well. you know. I'm sorry. I'll stop. you guys have a good night. I might be at the store when it's bed time. I'll try to call if I can. "

I was touched and annoyed by this but also i couldn't help but read things into it.

 

I responded telling him that our youngest is stronger than he thinks and may get hurt easily but also bounces back quickly just like I do. That protecting them isn't always the best way to insure a good life, they need to learn tools to thrive in adult hood. That all we can do is accept them and love them and be there for them as a strong foundation. And no matter what the Dr says our son is still the same kid he is today. He thanked me this morning saying he felt better.

 

I haven't been very good at limiting contact with him this week. We have texted, emailed or chatted on the phone everyday.

 

I am scared for whatever he does or doesn't do for mothers day, I wish i could just been blah and not care either way at all , but I can't.

 

I am not really hurting too much today but I still can't turn off my head, I still hate making grocery list that don't include things for him and that is one of my chores today

 

I just want to sleep.

[Ayreonfae]

I really need to stop texting him, my phone accidentally called him 3x in the last 16 hours. I mean some of the stuff we talk about it necessary but not important and so much is just chit chat. On his side on mine.

 

ok The door bell just rang. I was all confused and iit was a flower delivery guy and I got flowers and a balloon that says Love Ya on it from my boys (from Him) and now I am crying and I have no idea why.

 

I don't remember what I was gonna say now.

[hotnspicychikn]

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

Thinking of you today, I hope you find some happiness today. I know it is hard.

[Ayreonfae]

Thank You Chikn, (HUGS) to you too

 

This whole weekend has been taxing, he came and took me to lunch with the boys, I should have said no but it didn't occur to me till after that I even had that option. Something was off today with him.

 

He talked about our San Diego trip and it threw me off because it is still a maybe that he is even coming and wants to take the kids to Lego Land or somewhere. There was stuff Friday between us, just odd our phones accidentally calling each other and him being odd through text because he thought I was "out" when I was really just seeing my family and was home 10 mins later anyways.

[Ayreonfae]

I feel so numb today, I guess that is a good thing, I need to focus on my phone interview and maybe starting to actually exercise today. I hung out with a friend we share last night and I really didn't want to talk about J but it still happened. I guess he describes how we are as amicable which I guess is good but, it still hurt, it seemed a cold and detached thing to say.

I really just want to let go and move on, just haven't yet figured out how.

I am going to go for detachment, only talking about what we have to, we will be seeing each other alot the next month of so for kid stuff but I am going to limit it to that and just be amicable.

I really want a night out.

[hotnspicychikn]

I think detatching is the best thing you can do right now to help yourself heal. Letting go is so hard. I hope you can find a way to get a night out. You truly deserve that!! Take care of YOU!

[Ayreonfae]

Today is his birthday, he came over yesterday because we had an errand to run, and he is coming over again today to go with the boys and I to my oldest's spring carnival at school. We have small present's for him, home made cookies and birthday cards from the boys plus a stuff llama because he goes with the Llama Llama books we read and he has always said he wanted a llama. I was happy yesterday will he emailed me about random crap then I was just a ball of anger that really hasn't gone all the way away yet. I kinda wish he wasn't able to get off work to go with us. But the boys are excited.

I am working on a letter and a schedule to giver him in June after our SD trip, that pretty much says I can't be his friend right now and heal at the same time and I need him to stay away unless it is scheduled and no contact unless it is about the boys. I am sooo scared to do this but I think it will be best for me.

When to do you give up hope? When can you move on? I wish I knew I wish is twas black and white.

On a happy note after the carnival I am going out with my roommate to see Thor. We are excited.

[Ayreonfae]

So Sunday he came over to drop off the boys and to use my cable to watch the news about the Tornado in MO. We have friends and family there. He left his Facebook open and I just couldn't stop myself from reading the IM thread between him and her.

 

I now know the truth and it hurts but in a way it has set me free. I am sick to death still from what i read and the realization of ALL the lies and betrayals. But at least I am now truly on the road to being done.

 

The have been sleeping together for months at the least, she now has left her fiance and is moving back to here at some point so they can start a life together. I am disgusted and angry and numb and all kinds of things.

I am filing for divorce as soon as I can and only when I have the papers ready will I tell him I know the truth.

So I have to act normal till then and unfortunately the kids have a lot of end of school year things going on we have to do together. But I will make it through. As much as I want to be nasty and mean and call him all the names he deserves, I really just want it over, clean and simple and fair and done.

I am back no not being able to eat, I am weak and shaky but I have a plan.

[Ayreonfae]

I told him I know on Wed that I know, it was making me literally sick holding all this previous anger and new anger in. I gave him a letter and a copy of all the messages I read. He skimmed through, saw what the messages were and looked me in the eye and said let me know if you guys need any thing. " Looked me in the eye as I held back tears for a few more seconds and then left.

We didn't talk for a few days I hung up on him after he said good night to the boys, But we spent the morning together Sunday because we had previous plans and park of the afternoon, we have chatted a little about nothing in particular. He messaged me on FB at some point saying he intends to write me a letter but it is too hard right now.

I also found out the She is at the least verbally cheating on him with his roommate/best friend who had no idea till I told him the my STBX was actually sleeping with her. I guess she has been telling him she had feelings for him and stifled them then he got distant so she reached for my STBX and she still sends him dirty messages and pictures. All in the last week or so, it is nuts. My Life is a soap opera and now I think I aloud drama in because before i knew about his roommate and her, hi room mate had been telling me how he wants me and always had and i let him get under my skin and now I think he wants more, but I told him I wasn't ready I didn't trust him or me and that i didn't want the drama on top of everything else. I am lonely and frustrated and realized I really want intimate connection of some kind but I have to wait till it is safe and everything is done first. I think I am now a bigger mess than I was 2 weeks ago.

[Ayreonfae]

I think I made it over the crest, I no longer long for him or what we have. I no longer see him as anything other than the father of my kids. Things still hurt but right now I am feeling pretty good. I know a good deal of it maybe fake because I have been talking alot to the previous mention x-best friend and roommate of my STBX. I know it is possibly wrong but he and I have been close friends for 4 years now and he is what got me through the first part of him leaving.He was mad and hurt that they both lied to him and still are lieing and I am well the mess I am. He has been sending me songs and flirting and I have been flirting back, we went to happy hour together with friends and it was it was more than nice and more than fun to see him in the new light. I would feel guilty except I can't really remember why I should. STBX cheated on me and though talking to lets call him XJ we both seem to think the physical cheating started months before he left me. We both know that a relationship starting this close to a break up is bad and wont last but we both think it what we need right now and i hope we aren't just rationalizing ourselves into trouble. Because I had forgot what this felt like. I hadn't realized just how long ago STBX had stopped flirting touching and loving me.

Also Friday before Happy Hour my amazing roommate and I got pedicures and cocktails at the same time I didn't know you could do that. I had my toes painted a color I never have before i usually always get the same kinds of Color but this time I went totally different and I love it and Thursday I got a hair cut. Things are looking good and I feel good.

 

On a not so happy note today STBX is picking up the boys and keeping them overnight for the first time and I am freaking out. My roommate and maybe XJ are going to keep me distracted but 10am Sunday to 6 pm Monday is a long time.

[Ayreonfae]

So I spent over 12 hours in bed with XJ. It was the first time I think I have ever done anything like that in my life. It was amazing. I forgot what happiness felt like and I love it.