Marrage :o( HELPMEPLEEZZZ

[helpmePLEEZZZ]

hello all, I am a married 29 year old in a almost 4 year marriage. For most of my marriage I have been unhappy. I am a very out going person and I like being around people. My husband on the other hand would rather stay home all the time and never go out. Watch TV, Play video games, ect. My problem is that he isn't romantic nor is he one to figure out how to be. He goes to work everyday and brings home money for our home. But thats it once he gets home he thinks the work ends. I on the other hand being the Wife and I also have a full time job come home and still have to do the laundry, dishes, bill, dinner, ect. ect. All I want is to have him do more around the house and make me feel loved and wanted. I have tried for aleast 3 years to get this through to him. After many many fights it still hasn't made ANY difference. I want to leave him since nothing I do or say has made any difference. I do love him very much and he is a great person. WHAT CAN I DO... PLEASE HELP! 0X

[cs20thcenturyfox]

Hmmmm,

 

Well I can relate to that. I was with my bf for 4 years and I was a stay at home mom. He thought that my staying home wasn't a real job and would often put me down. He was the same though, he'd get home and ask for dinner, be on the net for hours, then we'd have sex so he could "relieve" himslef on a daily basis. So I finally start going to school and the sex begins to stop and now because I turned him down one too many times I have to leave. So honey don't stay with someone like that, I still love this man even though he treated me like shit, but you got to love you too!

[paul475]

...then here's what you need to do.

 

Recognize and accept that you are at your wit's end with this fellow. I think you've done that, but you are missing one important piece: why in the H-E-double toothpicks would I stay with someone for 4 minutes, let alone 4 years, who is an emotional vacuum cleaner? What is it about ME that makes this kind of situation THAT attractive?

 

No, you don't get to say, "because I wanted us to work out, I wanted to be a good wife," blah-blah-blah. Believe me, if you could see the emotional battery you're taking in physical terms, you'd have left this fellow before he could ask you for a second date.

 

But you didn't. You were blind to the signs of who this guy was going to be in the relationship. I assure you, the signs were there. We don't teach our children to learn how to keep their brain engaged during courtship so that they can learn, "not to burn."

 

Now that I've said this much, let me offer you some hope for where you are. If you can't work this one out, I assure you, you will simply find another emotional abandoner to partner with until you get this wound in your healed.

 

You need to have a plan. Once you raise the stakes by moving out, he may suddenly get a heart with some wings on it. That happens alot. So you're not quite hopeless, but you are too damn close for comfort. Makes sure that whatever goo this man has stuck in his head it gets removed -- permanently. That goes DOUBLE for you. Do NOT accept half heartedness in a partnership where you are giving everything you have to give. That's self abuse. That turns into abuse FROM your partner over any considerable period of time.

 

Best wishes and do your best to save what you have.

[Gilgamesh]

hello

 

What cs20thcenturyfox said is true, you have a right to be happy in this relationship.

 

You can try and have a breakup to see if that "wakes him up" if it does than maybe you can get some counselling together.

 

If not, then you may need to move on, because its never to late to find what you are looking for, dont feel guilty, you tried for many years to get it accross to him. he is the one that has failed you.

[helpmePLEEZZZ]

At least I don't feel like what I'm seeing happening here are just my imagination. I have many friends but I don't think they understand.. I do believe deep in my heart that I should leave... But it gets hard because I don't want to make a mistake.

 

 

[paul475]

...we are hearing only your side of this issue. But that's enough. If either partner is in pain, both are, it's just that some people have dysfunctional ways of dealing with pain.

 

Don't waste time making idle threats and handing down ultimatums. Accept that you are hurting and are being ignored and invalidated. Take responsibility for how you are feeling and the causes and conditions that make that hurt a pattern in your life.

 

The old saw about a snake always biting is true; you just have a thing for snakes, so to speak. Don't listen to a snake tell you how they won't bite you, that's bs. Snakes bite and victims get victimized, that's just what those roles are for -- it's their job. It's really not as personal as we like to make it out to be.

 

You need to make mistakes because that's the only way we can learn. Just know that you can never fail. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, all will be well. Eventually. A principled life is lived according to a set of working principles NOT because it looks good, but because it leads to MORE good feelings MORE of the time. If virtue and discipline were ends to be pursued for their own sake, they would have never been discovered by humanity...there had to be a pay-off somewhere and it had to be quite large to justify such a high entry fee up front.

 

I stumbled accross some simple principles that have been working for me for the past 12 years. I wasted my twenties, "wingin' it," and things were in a downward spiral and the cycles were getting faster and faster. I've flushed alot of toilets in the northern hemisphere...I knew where things were heading.

 

I'd recommend finding a good group of 12-steppers (CoDA, Al-Anon) and getting to know the people who are regulars there.

 

You don't have to move out today, but you need to begin taking steps to secure your ability to take care of yourself without having to depend on your husband. If this is going to be strictly about love and the things you need in it and from it, it can't be about money and security. Those things have to be provided by you, for you, and for your kids (if you have any).

 

Once you are ready to let go, it should be about emotions and feelings, not fear of starving or being without medical care. The focus is on the emotional connection and personal integrity.

 

You can't fail when your priorities are in the right place.

[SIMOONE]

Here's how I would handle this: First of all, I hear that there's a side of you that wants very much to "get through to him" and that you seem to want to work it out. So here's what I would do:

 

First of all, I'd do HALF of the chores (since you both work). The rest I'd simply leave undone (this may be hard for you but you MUST be willing to put up with the discomfort of doing this for awhile). THEN, I would definitely NOT talk to him anymore about what you want. That just makes him shutdown emotionally even more. I would go about my business as if I didn't care. If you keep on doing what you've been doing you will keep on getting what you've been getting: which is nothing...so change your "strategy." Act as if you just don't care. This will make him stand up and take notice. He might even think you've given up and may leave him. That's good! It will make him change what he's been doing.

 

I wouldn't "hang" on him at home. I'd make sure I was busy with my "own thing". Maybe even start to go out with your girlfriends to a movie or something out of the ordinary. Make him worry and wonder. He's just to sure of you right now. Make him a little UNSURE and he will stop TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED! Isn't that what this comes down to? He is taking you for granted. Hope it works and good luck!