Jump to content

Advice, suggestions PLEASE


Recommended Posts

Hi, new here. Not sure exactly what I am looking for. Someone to give some advice, suggestions, hints... I don't know. Let me give you the story and I know that I am the one to blame. I was married about 2 and a half years ago. It was my second marriage. My first, I was with someone that I got pregnant and she was just a horrible person, but I tried to do the "right thing" by marrying her. She was a drunk, druggie, thief, abusive and a cheater. I ended up getting custody of our daughter (which that should show you how my ex-wife was - since you hardly hear of a guy getting custody). Anyways, I got remarried after 7 years of being a single parent. So i brought some baggage into the marriage. We were great together. She become the mother my daughter never had! She got pregant about 1 1/2 years ago and that is when things went bad. I know it was my fault. I didn't want another kid, not at that stage in our relationship. I know I had issues, scars from the first relationship. I was not supportive during the pregnancy like she needed (and she understandable resents that). I was afraid to have another kid. I know they were selfish reasons. After being a single parent for 7 years, I wanted things for myself that I couldn't have in the past. Things that with another kid would again be put on hold. My first kid was 10 years old and I would now be able to do things. Go out, buy what I wanted (money situation got a lot better) just more freedom- which I wanted both my wife and myself to enjoy. Moving on, sorry. We had the kid. A son. i was instantly in love with him. How could I not be? I did not help the wife out with the early stages. I did not get up in the middle of the night when he woke up. Why? A few reasons. I was working-she wasn't, I could not get him to stop crying and she would end up getting having to get anyway. We moved to Germany. I ended up with a job I hate, working crappy hours, long hours and different shifts. 6am-6pm then a few months later 6pm - 6am. This of course did not help the marriage. She started hating Germany. We started fighting all the time. She would come to me, talk to me and I would let it go in one ear and out the other. I thought she was just letting off steam (like that horrible book says - men are from mars, women from venus- don't ever read it, all lies) but obviously, I was wrong. I am trying to give the short version and just hit the high notes, so to speak. Now she is back in the States. We have talked on the phone on a regular basis. Sometimes every day. She says she refuses to come back to Germany, she hates it here that much. (I have 2 and a half years left here) One phone conversation she wants divorce, the next she wants to work it out. The next she misses me, the next she doesn't think about me at all. All our conversations ended with love and miss you. I at one point told her she didn't have to say it if she didn't mean it, she got mad and insisted she meant it.I have the steady opinion that I want to work it out. Our last conversation was the worst. I am in the military and told her I would try to get out, come to where she is so we can work it out (this was two conversations ago). She liked that idea. Now back to the last conversation. When I brought up that subject again her statement was: " I (as in my wife) think the only reason I am saying that I want to work it out is because you want it so bad. I don't think it would be a good idea." She has been see-sawing for weeks, but this one sounded pretty harsh. I know what I did wrong. I was a grouch, I was not the good father (as in I didn't help her enough) I didn't pay enough attention to her. I don't know why, but I didn't see it then, but since she left I know. I feel horrible. I miss her and I miss my son. I love them both terribly and I want the chance to correct what I did wrong. I don't know what I am looking for here, to just get it off my chest, hear some opinions, suggestions or what. But, it is out now. If you read it, sorry for the length and thanks for reading it all.

 

Josh

Link to comment

Hi brother

 

Women - Can't live with em can't kill em (Joke)

 

Just so you know who you're communicating with, I'm a Brit living in Poland, my wife packed up and left me.

 

I'm not right about anything, I just have a view. Hopefully there's something you can take for your benefit.

 

I do believe that men and women are different. If you and I had a beef, we'd probably walk outside, knock ten bells out of each other, shake hands and agree to move on.

 

Women have memories longer than elephants and I've known some elephants!

 

Where you are emotionally is probably on a different timeline to your wife.

 

Germany is not bad place! Was the problem the place or your relationship?!!!!!!!!!

 

I recently got involved with (lived with) a young girl who'd had a difficult upbringing (alcoholic father), she's created havoc, violent, destructive, manipulative, we're talking psycho girl! This girl has had a very bad physiological effect upon me.

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, is the problem your relationship?!

 

Maybe you are incompatible as people, maybe you, maybe her screwed up?

 

I'd try to get on an honest communication channel with each other.

 

Good luck

 

Quentin

Link to comment

...you and I have learned the fine art of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

 

I wanted to do good things with my life, but I wanted a love relationship that would be a ball and chain at every turn. I convinced myself that I was strong enough to pull my baggage and hers and still move forward. I was right. But I was stilling pulling a load that other people weren't, and my peers left me in the dust.

 

In my case, it was an unstable mother and a pattern of mother figures who abandoned and betrayed me all during my formative years that lead me to repeat this pattern well into my adult years.

 

Contrary to how folks explain it, I prefer my way: a child will move heaven and earth to survive and love their parents. They will even kill off parts of themselves -- important parts -- in order to SEE what they are getting from Mom and/or Dad is LOVE and SURVIVAL. Which means that if the FACTS of Mom or Dad's behavior do not conform to this preconceived (and very natural) theory, THEY WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

 

And so these same people come into our lives not so much because we think they are "comfortable," so much as we have these blind spots in our perception. And so it is that the rocks in my head fit the holes in her's.

 

Go to Amsterdam. Get laid. Let off some steam. Wait a couple of weeks and see if you really want a relationship with a woman this unstable and emotionally abusive.

 

One more thing: quit blaming yourself for your mistakes. You're the best YOU that you can be, and that's worth loving well. You have SURVIVED up to this point in time, and that much is particularly superb. Yes, you have baggage, and if it is anything like mine, it's going to take years to check it all back in.

 

In the meantime, you have a life to live and enjoy. Resentments will come along soon enough to help guide you to the next set of bags that are due for shipping -- don't go looking for them.

 

Never get into a fight with a pig...you'll both get muddy and the pig likes it.

Link to comment
  • 3 months later...

Jak se mais?

 

...If you haven't noticed already, the IT business, in general, is under direct assault by the ruling elite. At least from a US perspective this appears to be the case. Our IT unemployment rate is like 60%.

 

The business idea is impressive and very worthwhile. Your website could be made to tell a much more effective story for alot less money than you realize.

 

No, I'm not talking Bangalore. God, if there was anyone worthy living in that sh*hole they would be a rare find, indeed.

 

It appears all the worthy talent headed for Canada. Socialized medicine comes through when all else fails. That and a higher wage.

 

What you have there is a good base and I know some folks who can hook you up with a network of developers (unless you already know a WSI representative of your own) that can give you a multimillion dollar look for less than 10 grand. Maybe even less than 3 grand.

 

Nothing in it for me, just hooking people up with employment...if you want something you gotta give it away, first.

 

This alchy b-friend...Fletche, there's no accident who meets. If he's an alchy and she picked him, she also picked YOU. Have you taken an objective look at your behavior patterns around controlled substances, alcohol and pills?

 

I mean, if the bastard is going to steal your wife from you, you can at least get the most you can from the experience.

 

Gotta have a boundary in place...no more bullshit from the ex. It's an open invitation to be injured. I don't care how good anything about that relationship was, rat poison can smell as sweet as freshly baked bread. I'm having a helluva time watching this woman go behind my back and lie about me to my friends as some sort of twisted ploy to get me to surrender to her charms. (??). Obviously there is a thinking disorder running rampant in her brain, but this time, I'm not going to allow pity to confuse my emotions with love.

 

I deserve the best and so do you. If we work on our own insides and take steps to make the changes indicated, healthier choices will start showing up in our lives.

 

Take good care...Greg

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Well, I've been out of work since November of last year...I could use the money more than the UN.

 

It really does sound like you're very depressed. All the symptoms are there -- the hopelessness, the joylessness, the slowed motor and mental processes. This is a serious condition, a medical condition, and it can be treated. Effectively. And it will feel like a ten ton boulder has been lifted from you.

 

My suggestion to you is to get to a psychiatrist and give yourself a few more weeks on the planet for the medications to work. You've waited this long to declare utter defeat, you can certainly wait a few more weeks -- if the pain will be on the decrease.

 

One more thing...you will have to quit drinking, at least for a good long while. Alcohol is a depressive and that's the last thing you need in your body right now.

 

I can't make you want to live, but if you want to live I can certainly help you hang around and turn the corner on this kind of pain. I know it well enough to know that it is a very temporary thing. It won't hurt like this forever, I promise.

 

Hope to see you around the ol' cyberquad...

 

Greg

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...