Communication Strategies

[ShuShu Fontana]

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to tell my boyfriend when he does things that bother me. For instance, I am a moody person. When I get in a bad mood he tends to get sarcastic with me. This does not help my moodiness AT ALL. Should I just get sarcastic back to him?

 

Sometimes I will state my opinion on something and he tells me, basically that I'm wrong.

"I think that person is a brilliant actor."

"You've only seen him in one movie, how can you say he's a brilliant actor?"

"I'm not allowed to have that opinion?"

"Just because he was good in one movie doesn't make him a brilliant actor."

 

I know this sounds petty, but because of these insignificant conversations I feel relucatant to open up to him about anything imporant. I feel like he will do the same thing.

 

I am feeling resentment building up inside. I don't want this to carry on. Should I sit him down and explain to him the things that have been bothering me? I don't know how to go about doing that. I'm so afraid he's going to make me feel stupid or belittle me, or tell me that it's my fault I feel that way.

 

I don't feel intimate with him. We have a great time together, enjoy each other's company, he is supportive of my goals and is a thoughful person. It's just those rough patches, you know? And I want to work on this.

 

What are some good communication strategies? How do you keep focused and not clam up, like I tend to do? Any advice is greatly appreciated!

 

-ShuShu

[bleeder]

Hi ShuShu,

 

There's a fine line between constructive criticism and plain sarcasm.

 

You would be the best judge to tell if your boyfriend is bent on being sarcastic with you all the time, or he is just voicing his thoughts.

 

If he belongs to the former, then you should really sit him down and ask him on what's bothering him. Mostly, when people choose to be difficult, a smile is rarely seen on their faces when they speak to you. Even if they do smile, it could be one of their ways of irking you further. Is he unhappy with certain issues in the relationships? Try and find out more.

 

If he belongs to the latter, than there's really not much for concern. Be more open to his comments and understand that as individuals, everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

 

Cheers.

 

 

[Spirits Away]

after reading your comments, I remember all the things that i've done wrong. it's not so much as saying it just to annoy you, but more... hmm... a habit. He probably wouldn't change unless he understands what he has created. If i were to describe him, he's an argumentative, lacking in communication skills person...

 

I personally had a few people telling me about it as well, but I remember myself not listening to them mainly because i don't see it as that big of a problem. So that's why i say unless they understand what they're sending out and how that's negatively affecting people, they won't realize that it's a big problem.

 

One thing i suggest is to use a tape recorder and tape down you guy's conversation... Once they hear their own voice, their own sarcastic tone, they probably won't like the person in the tape...

 

I don't know how your bf perceive the fact that you're recording his voice as... guys don't usually like to be pointed out their weakness... but if you guys get along well and he understands that your intention is 100% trying to help him; he might not thank you, but he'll consciously notice it when he's being sarcastic/argumentative the next time, and that will have a chance of making him want to improve himself.

 

There are other strategies as well... I don't think recording his voice is the best way, but if you can't think of anything else... try that strategy

[OceanEyes]

... guys don't usually like to be pointed out their weakness...

 

This is very true. It's not so much that they don't like their weaknesses pointed out, but that they feel that you don't see them as the "man" they think themselves to be. A lot of men - and women - are very proud and stubborn. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing and can carry you very far in your career and professional life, but when it comes to matters of the heart, you've got problems. Nobody likes to feel like they're not respected and their views are never supported, always criticized.

 

~Spirit's Away~ also brought up a valid point:

 

it's not so much as saying it just to annoy you, but more... hmm... a habit.

 

This is also very true. I chose to reply to this topic specifically because my current boyfriend was the exact same way for the first six months we dated. For the most part, I thought he was funny and never really took his sarcasm to heart, but as things progressed, I wanted to be able to voice an opinion or a view without him scrutinizing me. In fact it resulted in me walking out of his house a few times and not speaking to him for days. Yes, it can eventually affect you that much, to the point that you feel he doesn't even care about what you've said, but just feels like arguing with you or proving how much 'smarter' he is than you.

 

I sort of learned later on that because of his living situation and the his family - he lived in a house with 4 MALE roommates and had 2 brothers (no sisters) growing up. The roommates were always cutting each other down, never really saying anything positive. Same thing with his brothers, they would call each other names and make fun of one another and argue (sarcastically) just about all the time. They were rarely serious.

 

He was always a lot of fun, but never really serious and sometimes very offensive. Heck, he still is to some extent! lol He was bringing this same attitude and way of behaving into our relationship, so it took a lot of slammed doors and me refusing to speak to him for him to realize that I wasn't 'one of the guys' in that way. I wanted to be treated with respect and have my feelings and opinions validated like any other woman would.

 

He's obviously very proud, and somewhat immature (like my boyfriend). The only thing that worked with my boyfriend was trying to support things that he likes, even though he knew I didn't like. I would never knock things that he likes ie. Star Trek (*shivers*). He knows I hate it, but I never hasstle him about it when he watches it. I try to support him in the things he does, even though I may not agree with him or see what he likes about it.

 

The truth is, even if you do talk to him, there's no guarantee that he can stop. It's probably something that he's gotten so used to doing that he just doesn't see anything wrong with it.

[ShuShu Fontana]

Many good points and I appreciate the comments and the understanding.

 

I actually just flat out asked him if everything was ok with us. I was nervous, but I know that our relationship isn't so fragile that if I asked him a question and he didn't like it, that it would end. I was pretty sure he wasn't even aware of his tone with me. I am simply insecure, and not because of anything he has done, just because I am. I'm working on it.

 

Nevertheless, I told him I felt he had been snippy with me lately. He wasn't aware and immediately appologized. I told him that when I asked him a silly little question, like if he ever had the chicken pox, that his tone was one of "you have just annoyed the living crap out of me." He had no idea, and appologized. I told him he has a bad habit of doing that. He IS very proud, I feel. And when he makes a point he can sometimes yell at me. I know he doesn't mean it, and I am resolving, and remembering, to TELL him when he is doing it. Just a simple, "Don't yell at me" works. He was very receptive and it sent me the message, one that my dad has been telling me for years, that the woman has the power and I don't owe anyone anything.

 

Silence is acceptance.

 

I finally realized if I want to be treated a certain way I have to make it known. Relationships don't take care of themselves, they have to be worked on. I thought I had learned that from my last relationship. Apparently I needed reminding.

 

NEW QUESTION:

 

He is a very logical, "I want answers", best subjects in school were math and history kind of guy.

I am a very "What if", best subjects in school were philosophy and english, subjective kind of girl.

 

Opposites attract, or certain doom?

 

I told him I didn't feel we talked about "important things", and I guess I meant philosophical ponderings, and just things beyong music and movies. He's alos not much of a talker whereas I am. I haven't felt very emotionally close to him and wev'e been together for damn near 10 months. That seems wrong to me. If I'm not in love with him now, is it too late? There I go philosophizing again. My dad is the logical type like this and I am only just now, in my mid 20s, learning how to communicate with him.

 

He also, I think, has a tendency to treat me like "one of the guys".

"Guys can relate to each other by just being in the same room together. We don't have to do all the talking that you girls do." Well, if you haven't noticed, I'm a girl, and I don't want to be related to like a guy. But I'm teaching him.

 

I think I need lessons on how to be a woman. I've never been good at asking for what I want or making the boys come to me. I always give too much, do too much, and if it doesn't get me what I want then I think I have to do MORE and give MORE. It's never worked. Duh.

 

I just hope we can get closer. He has all that logical stiffness. I think i just need a different view.

[Spirits Away]

Hey, i'm going to ask you guys a question

 

 

"Guys can relate to each other by just being in the same room together. We don't have to do all the talking that you girls do." Well, if you haven't noticed, I'm a girl, and I don't want to be related to like a guy.

 

I'm wondering how you girls would feel AT THE MOMENT when guy doesn't talk/relate much other than hanging around "in the same room" with you. What percisely do you feel, what should the guy do if he's not as talktive, and is it possible that the guy can explain to the girl that he's not as talktive and to not take it personally?

 

If you were to push a guy (who is introverted) into being more talktive, they'll just get uncomfortable around you. Seeing the girl is like seeing a pile of homework... it's like everytime you see the girl you need to cautiously think about what to say instead of coming up with something naturally.

 

So what things do you think we can do that can substitude "talking more"

and still have that connection?

[ShuShu Fontana]

I don't mind confortable silence it's just a problem when it seems to take up the majority of the time. Maybe we shouldn't be together if I'm talkative and open and he's not. And maybe I AM taking it personally because it seems like we used to talk and don't so much anymore. He rarely starts a conversation and since he's not on the philosophical side when I bring something philosophical up he'll shoot it down with some kind of "answer" to my pondering instead of discussing it with me.

 

I guess I would think he would tell me stories from when he was a kid...funny stuff that happened to him and the like. We don't have to talk all the time....I just don't feel connected to him. I have been in love, and I know I'm not there. There is something missing and I can't seem to put my finger on it, because he's a great guy and treats me well, he's funny and creative...I don't know what the problem is.

[Spirits Away]

the problem is that he's being he's comfortable with you. I don't know if you realized how guys are different when they're courting a girl and they change gradually into themselves as they get more comfortable with them. That's why there are verbs like "impress" (the girl). Often it's right after their excitement with you faded. But it could possibility be that he's having a hard time in life. All i'm saying is that there are guys, after knowing they are no longer in the "impress the girl" stage, and after their excitement faded... they be back to their comfortable self. It's the girl who got stuck with them believing that the guy "turned" different.

 

That is also the reason why many guys do not have the competitive edge when it comes to courting girls, they are very much themselves... but not enough to elevate a girl's mood into loving them.

 

last but not least... there are guys that are naturally lively and real, and will stay that way the rest of their lives.

 

You might want to check how he treats people he knows very well just to see if it's you who he's dissatisified with or that he's just being his self.

 

There are one more reason, i remember that when I disrespect a girl (due to her treating others badly), I won't have a purpose/mood to talk with them. The reason is that it's just pointless to know & invest time in someone so immature.

[deebee]

Reading your posts it struck me that your issues are very similar to ones dealt with in 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' which I'm reading right now!

 

For example, men need to withdraw from time to time (especially if they feel they are 'losing' themselves). This is natural, but we just need to let our gf's know that 'we'll be back'.

 

The way you let him know how his behaviour annoyed you was good - he wasn't aware of the effect it had on you and he has changed, by the sounds of things. It is a two-way thing, even when you think the blame lies with him.

 

A basic mistake I have made in the past is expecting the other person to 'just get it', whatever 'it' was. Well, no matter how intimate you are, they aren't inside your brain, so you've got to let them know!

 

Anyway, I would definitely recommend 'Men are from Mars...'. It has been a real eye opener for me. I think my last relationship may not have ended if we had both read it and communicated better with each other.