Need some explanation...

[reynder]

If you're a woman, and have spent a lot of time with a guy and for some reason, you didn't feel the urge to be close to him? I'm talking about a guy you would call first thing when you woke up in the morning, called 5 times a day, before you went to bed. Someone you saw 5 days a week, someone you woudl get upset with if they didn't call you often.

 

Things just ended with a female friend of mine whom I liked very much. I wasn't in love with her, but could see an amazing relationship with her. We talked about these feelings, and she explained to me that she just wasn't ready to give me that romantic rleationship - she needed time for that, it just wasn't there right now. But she would still call all the time, want me around, want me to be there.

 

FInally, after a few days of beign treated like crap - i ended it with her. TOld her I didn't understand our relationship, that it didn't make sense for her to be one way one week, and another the next. I told her I wanted to be with her, to do all those thigns we talked about - but that i also know her feelings aren't the same and because of that, this wouldn't work. I said we both agreed that if it's meant to be, it will be - and that was it.

 

She replied and told me that she didn't know what to say or how to say it, but that she knows how I feel about her, she just doesn't know how she feels about me. She says I"m everything and more that she coudl ever want - but tfor some reason, the feeling just isn't there -t he feeling to give me a hug hello or a kiss because I'm so great. SHe doesn't know why the feeligns isn't there - she wants to make it be there, force it, but she can't - it's just not there for her.

 

So things came to an end - we said goodbye and of course I miss her like crazy and feel pretty crappy.

 

I'm just wondering, have you epxerienced this before - from her perspective? To me - calling and being wiht someone so much, wnating to be aroudn them - that's closeness, that's what makes you feel that connection, to hld, hug, get closer. I think maybe it's attraction - because I too don't feel that drive ot want to jump her bones either - but it doesn't mean I"m not attracted to her or want to be with her.

 

I'm losign my mind analyzing things so much - it's what I do....any help?

[evepm]

Dear reynder:

 

What she's attempting to do is to have her cake and eat it too. She wants the security of having someone around to count on. Someone that will call her and give her attention but, she doesn't seem to have any real interest in having a real relationship.

 

Forget this one and move on. I can guarantee that when you really back off, she'll come running but don't get caught up in it. If she is having trust issues or something of the sort from her past, then she needs to work that out on her own without dragging you down in it.

 

evepm

[Jabe]

It's because she doesn't feel attracted to you. You can't force attraction or decide who you want to be attracted to. She may have been early on, but since you guys became friends, real good friends, then the attraction may have slipped. And a woman is not going ot go for a guy who she is not attracted to. She needs that spark.

 

Once you are in as a friend, it's extremely hard to become more then a friend.

 

Time off from this girl may help, like evepm said she will come back to you if you become less friends. And once that happens you can come back to her not trying to be her friend, but trying to be more then that. Then maybe you can get that spark back.

 

Hope that helps in some way.

[reynder]

THank you both for your reply, and she does have trust issues, and teh attraction part of it - that's obvoiusly why she can't kiss me or hug me. Thign is, I dont' really feel the urge to grab her or hold her usually - not that i don't want that - it just doesn't feel like the right time.

 

She tells me she feels bad, because she misses me a lot, and wants to spend time together - but she knows how I feel, and odesn't think it's fair for us to share so much time together when she can't give me back what she should - affection.

 

I'm upset with her because I feel very used - which was why i said it was sad, but we had to say goodbye. I figure that if I'm that 'best friend' to her like she said I was - then she'll make an effort. I was angry because after her parents were here for 10 days and I didn't call her, she got upset at me because Id idn't call...which made no sesne if we were friends. That was last weekend, and since then - she has been up and down, all over the place.

 

I ended 'us' by sayign that if it's meant ot be, it will be - and that her and I could be the very very best of friends if we were in a relationship that was much more than that. OTherwise - this just doesn't make sense, and it's too diificult.

 

Of course, there are a lot of thigns she did that I hate - things that really hurt, things that were uncalled for - but it doesn't matter - i push all that stuff aside and realize just how much she does mean to me. Everyone says "she's not worth it - move on" - and I will - but it's fresh, and I really do miss her..

[OceanEyes]

I think maybe it's attraction - because I too don't feel that drive ot want to jump her bones either - but it doesn't mean I"m not attracted to her or want to be with her.

 

As a female, I've always had male friends who I just love to hang out with and not have to worry about them always trying something on me. Of course, this doesn't mean that he wouldn't want to, but out of respect for me and our friendship, wouldn't.

 

Your last comment about not feeling attracted to her and that she isn't attracted to you is probably the biggest sign that it's just not meant to be. Don't force something that will prove to be sub-par. Unfortunately, trying to force a relationship with a woman you are not physically attracted to is pointless. Why would you even want to be with someone who you are not attracted to? Or worse yet, has admitted is not attacted to you? If anything, it's going to end up being that one of you will cheat with someone you DO find attractive. Chemistry and attraction are absolutely necessary as far as I'm concerned. Otherwise you're always just going to be friends.