sexual assault

[Terry100]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 2 1/2 years now (we're both mid 30's) and we have a 9 month old girl.

A few months ago she told me that when she was 14, 3 guys sexually assaulted her. One of them went to prison, the other two got off. It then got out at her school and she got bullied and as a result she had to move schools. It must've been a truly horrible time for her.

I'd always had a suspicion something might have happened in her past due to how she acted. For the first year of dating she was incredibly cold towards me, showed no affection, very stressy and just seemed to have a wall up that stopped me from getting close.

I'm not sure if she ever had councelling and it's the kind of thing I'm not sure we'd really ever talk about again as she hates talking about her feelings about anything.

I was just wonderingn if anyone has any advice? I can now see why she probably does a lot of the things she does and acts like she does. Thing is, I think she needs help of some kind still and I don't know what to do.

She's incredibly bitter and angry at just about everything in the world. She thinks that everything in her life goes wrong and has really bad luck. A couple of friends (who don't know about what happened) jokingly nickname her "Worst Case Scenario" because she dreams up the most bizarre bad situations to come out of most normal situations.

It is also really taking it's toll on our relationship with her taking most of her anger out on me and saying and doing some really cruel and nasty things to me, which I'm finding increasingly harder to deal with and is really upsetting to me. I've gone along with it for a while as I now know what's happened but I don't think I can take much more and have in fact had some councelling myself to help me deal with this.

I just don't know what to do. This anger and bitterness is messing her life up, it's affecting our relationship and I think her worst case scenario thinking is stopping her from and living her life to her full potential.

I'm also really worried about what kind of affect this behaviour will have on our baby as she grows up.

I don't know what to do! I feel like I can't talk to her about anything because of this "wall" she has up and if I try she gets extremely defensive and angry. I'm pretty sure she won't do councilling and I've sort of tried to hint at it before and she takes it as a direct personal attack on her.

Does anyone have any advice?? I can see it having such a bad affect on her life and it's really taking it's toll on "us" too.

 

A big thanks in advance

[Xylitol]

If you get attacked the moment that you suggest something, in the form of 'honey i think you should go see a psychiatrist' and her response being. 'cursing,swearing,its all your fault' kind of attack.

 

It then means that you need to "rephraze" your suggestion. From my experience woman aren't so much into the 'give a command and do it,understanding' straightforwardness like one can see amongst men.

 

You have to say it like 'honey, how do you feel about going to a psychiatrist? , if i am guessing right she will get angry 'something in the trend of', no i don't want to see a psychiatrist , they are stupid 'yadayada'.

You then have to reply with ' but you are taking out all of your anger of your sexual trauma out on me, and its extremely painfull for me to see you being hurt while you can get help, please i beg you to reconsider seeing one.

 

Try this a few times, if she keeps refusing threaten to break up with her and taking the child with you. Say that you don't accept that she is not getting help while you and your child have to suffer from it. If she still keeps refusing pack your bags and stay at your parents house or somewhere else. She should give in by then, of course this should be faking to some extend as you aren't really willing to leave her, but if the point arises that she continues to refuse, then you are better off being somewhere else. Constantly getting traumatized day by day by day isn't worth the effort of being with someone to begin with.

 

She needs psychiatric help definitly, and if she doesn't get it then you'll be the one who ends up at the psychiatrist. Remember your personal mental health comes first. You can guide her but you are not a replacement of a psychiatrist.

[TN-Walker]

I think a lot of people blame their bad behavior on things that happen in their past, when in all reality, they have the choice to act the way they act or not.

 

I was sexually abused from the age of 5 until I was 10 by my father. I'm now 47 years old, and I do not treat other people badly. I don't yell, scream, hit, throw things, etc. I do not take out my anger on anyone else, and in fact, do not feel anger towards my father, who is now 82 years old. I forgave him long ago, and made the conscious decision to not let what happened ruin my entire life or the lives of the people around me. I control my own emotions. I control my own actions. To behave badly and blame it on something that occurred in my past would be a major cop out.

 

Don't buy into the whole "I'm a victim of what happened to me, and that's why I treat you bad" concept. It's just a lame excuse for being a nasty person. Get out of this relationship while you can.

 

Good luck and hugs,

 

Lisa