really really low

[bones]

I split with my gfriend about two months ago. I was single for 3 years mostly of my own choice cos I can't handle relationships very well. I'm still in touch with my ex girlfriend and she seems to think it's easy to move on. I'm 24 and still feel like a teenager and hopeless. I feel like an absolute mess and that no-one would loke at me twice soon as I open my mouth because of the depression and sadness inside me.

I can't stand to think of myself this way. It was part of the reason my relationship broke down. I don't want to be on my own any more. I want someone to help and someone to help me but it seems these days no-one is allowed to have problems and sadness is something that should be banished from your life. It's cutting me up because all thoughts of intimacy and happiness are tied to her because this is the only really good two way relationship I've ever had.

I've been rejected before but not by someone who really loved me. It seems like all my friends have their own problems. I went to the doctors but they offered me anti depressants and I've had problems with drugs before so I don't want to go there. I feel like everything I do makes me sad. I watch the telly and there's something to remind me of something and I can't concentrate on books and things.

I've had problems with drinking and violence and that's messed me up. I keep crying over stuff I can't even remember doing (i've cut down drinking a lot). I feel like all I want to do is curl up in someone's lap and cry for an hour. Cos I'm a boy i'm not allowed to do that. I know I am a good person really and I can't cope with the lonliness at the moment. Being on my own I don't feel like I'm doing anything that is benefiting anyone at all.

I'm meeting a girl for a drink soon and I know she's got some stuff thats really not nice as well. I don't want to be miserable and depressing. I know in the future i'll meet someone who feels like me and I really hope I can help them and they can help me.

Thanks for reading.

[kuhl282000]

Hey Bones

 

I liked the way you explained yourself, you really know how to express yourself. I have been through this so I can relate to you and give you some suggestions how to make it better. First off, we all get depressed at times, it is a very natural thing. Half the world in on anti depressants, and that is the truth. The good news it does get better, but you have to change your thought process. You need to get out more, make some new things happen. Make some new friends, it is all good. Forget about a relationship and stop looking for now. A better relationship will come to you later. You may be pressing the issue and don't even know it. We all have problems, some people just choose "not" to talk about them. Some people consider that as being weak, it's not. As far as your mouth (and this may sound hokie, but it works) when you feel down......just smile, I'm taking about forcing yourself to smile. It was from a research test, and they found it is harder to think negative thoughs when you are smiling. Just try it and you will see what I mean. If you can't focus and your mind wonders and you always feel down and confused. Well, Bones you are depressed, and that is where you are at present, But you "HAVE" too take the anti depressants just until you can see the sun again through the clouds. Focus on making allot of money just for now, make that your goal, it is a great goal. When you need to dump, you come here. it is a great place. Get on the pills, they are big time proven to help. Paxil, prosac whatever they are get on them just for now. Till you feel the difference they work. They have nothing to do with other pill problems or alcohol. They were designed to help. Don't make excuses here or let your pride stand in the way. Just do it, you don't have to tell anyone, only you and the doctor will know. You are very young and you have a bright furture ahead. Remember life throws us all some bad stuff, that is life sometimes. But it is how you handle that bad stuff that really counts. Your life is really between your ears. You can do this Bones.....................THINK !!!!!!!!!!

 

You can pm me anytime to just chat

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[libertychick]

You've still got your entire life ahed of you! I know that's not exactly comforting, but you keep saying you need something, and you're not sure what it is. It's not anything a human can give you. I know you're so unsure of yourself and you are 'secretly telling yourself' all these bad things and you just can't help it, but the truth is that when you're down that low bc of something someone else has done, you're vulnerable to bad thoughts and depression; kinda like when you're immune system is low, and you can catch diseases easily... But it's not you telling yourself that... it's satan preying on you bc you're weak. Not only has he caused this to happen, this depression, he's trying to break you down until you kill yourself, and he gets one more soul for his quota. Don't let him tear you apart. You may be weak right now, anyone who has been through what you have will be, but there is hope, and there is someone you can cry to. There'sno such thing as boys can't cry- you guys have just as much emotion as anyone else of the female gender. Forget your pride and search for something better... I have a friend that has helped me through every tough time I've ever had. When I was on the ground crying and begging for help and comfort, he gave it to me. Most ppl don't believe or understand, but God is REAL, and if you put your faith in him, and pray the sinner's prayer, he will lift you up, and help you through your depression. What have you got to lose? Just start talking... the same way you would if you were here talking to me or anyone else, except without any secrets. Don't put up a guard or a front, just lay your heart out, and tell him everything that's wrong, and tell him how you're sorry for your sins, and that you know something has got to change, and you need him in your heart, so you can start to heal, and you can have more strength and hope for each new day, and tell him everything. Just cry and talk, and if your voice catches, or you're crying too hard to speak, continue to talk to him in your head, bc he still hears you, he hears everything you've ever said, and everything happens for a reason. When he shuts a door, he opens a window, and that means even though it's rough now ,you have to have faith now bc he's got something better for you down the road. He loves you. He always has, even when you were abusive or drunk or cursing him. He probably wasn't pleased, but he still loves you no matter what. You have to mean this, bc it's the single biggest step in your life. Recovering bc of Jesus. God loves you so much, that he sent his son to di on a piece of wood that he was nailed to, and took all the blame of all the sin of the world with him when he died, and he did it just for you, because even if there were not one person on this world but you, he still would have died for you. That's a true friend. God the father and the son and the holy spirit are all the same being- it's like the three segments of a pretzel- they're 3 different parts, but the same pretzel, ya know? He loves you, and if you pray to him, he'll raise you up, and you'll start to heal. Not to mention the fact that you'll gain the most loyal friend there is. Just pray, and I'll pray for you, that you'll make the right decision, and just know that I'm there in spirit, and God is always there....

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with kuhl. Bones, you DO have a unique way of expressing your thoughts. It is intriguing that you can do that, and I'm sure any female will appreciate that once they get to know you! Consider that one of your best qualities and be proud of it. You painted a picture that clearly expressed how you feel and sometimes with these posts it's difficult to tell how the person actually FEELS as opposed to what is really going on in their life.

 

It sounds to me like you might be living a lot in your past and wallowing in some pain/disappointments that you've had (maybe in addition to your relationship with your ex?).... did something bad happen to you as a child or is it happening now? Research has shown that we emulate our childhoods throughout life.... whether we know it or not. The key is to learn how to deal with our inner child/children and to gain control over that voice inside our heads telling us that we're no good alone, or no one loves us. That is our hurt child reminding us of childhood disappointments/emotional trauma that we carry on through life if we let it rule us. It is important to master these thoughts, not ignore them, but to know the difference between whether the voice is telling us that it is all about something that happened before, or if it truly is about the present situation. A personal favorite of mine, link removed explains it better than I can, if you are interested. I think it will also answer your questions about your reference to feeling like it's "wrong" to be sad and that those feelings are supposed to be removed from our lives.

 

I hope you can overcome your depression. Come here for support, we all get depressed, probably people here more than others, that's why we're here to lend support cause we know how it feels.

[bones]

I think i feel this way because of so much stuff in my past and i've had a tough lonely year where my girlfriends been all I've had. I've taken everything out on her all these feelings and know she's not there I don't know where to turn. I read your replies and it made me cry so much. I feel like blaming myself for everything and my girlfriend feels like she's doing this to me.

I wish I could explain to her that she's not and I have so much in my life that makes me sad (and happy!). She doesn't understand and she'd shout at me and say why are you so moody/sad. I'd not be able to explain properly and she'd ask me again if it was her or something else. I'm scared of anti depresants because I think some of my instability comes from previous drugs use - not that I was ever a junkie but I've dabbled in stuff.

I live alone and I really don't want to be out of control of my own feelings. I have had enough trouble with that. I also have a pretty addictive personality. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? I know you lot said don't make excuses.

I really want to say to someone - come and hold my hand while I go to the doctors and ring me at night to check I'm ok but the only person I trust is my ex and seeing her makes stuff worse. It's not like she's moved on but I don't want to be a burden on her anymore cos she's wonderful and deserves to move on.

I feel so self pitying but your advice here really really helped.

Thankyou x

[bones]

So after last night I took some advice from you all. I feel better. I wouldn't say I'm doing dances of ecstatic joy but I've been able to communicate and feel at least 'numb' rather than crying all the time. It meant a great deal to me to be able to tell someone what I felt and the girl I talked to you about, well I saw her and we managed to spend a short while together and I admitted to her I was depressed but that I was taking steps to deal with it at last.

It felt good to admit it rather than pretending I'm alright and trying to be happy. I also spent a while round my friends house and I didn't feel like a black hole of misery - just like I've been talking to a few friends. I've planned out my goals and tried to fill my time and see the future a tiny bit more clearly and as something that I CAN make as good as I'm willing to make it.

So I'm not saying hey everythings great but for the first time today, I didn't feel like I was reading stuff into everything people say. I think that's called paranoia isn't it. I feel like I've been scared of myself and for you people to tell me how well I'd expressed my feelings actually meant something - even though I don't know you. I know this sounds wet but I felt like I'd been given a hug last night.

I told my friend (the girl!) about how I was thinking about anti depressants and had devised a few stategies for the way I'm feeling. It felt so good not to cry and make her feel guilty for leaving me alone. So basically I'm saying thankyou to you all for making me feel a bit more like myself. I still feel a bit fragile and will probably be back with some question or other but it's amazing to know I don't have to burden other people like I have been doing.

I've been depressed before but never felt as hopeless as last night - I felt like my brain wasn't working properly and for a while like their wasn't much point in carrying on as I couldn't remember any nice emotions or imagine feeling any different. I don't think I'd have gone through with anything but you people certainly stopped me going to shop and buying loads of beer - for that I feel fantastic.

So yeah, I'm trying to think of the positive things I've achieved today - like spending some time with friends, not drinking or taking drugs - doing a little bit of plannig for the future and surviving on my own. Once again thankyou so much xxxx

(nb I'm going to give it a few weeks or so of really trying to get my life on track and trying to make some money and then if nothing improves try the doctor again)

I hope one day I can help someone like you people helped me

xxxx

(I thought I should bring a more positive vibe and let you know you did some good cos you did.)

[Cheap and easy]

Bones i think im your illegal clone.... (That would be my way of handeling depression.)

 

Ok maybe a slightly damaged (dropped on your head at birth damaged) and a little more verbaly constipated but i have a fair bit in common with you, Id love to give you advice but fcuk.... you can at least discover your own problems without having to cheat of someone else on the net.

 

As for me, well im recentlly rejected(well i asked her out, it was a kinda dragged out no.) which was kinda bad considering that i had been in complete social isolation in a new city at a new boarding school for 4 years.

 

Let me know how its going.