Been a year - been in contact weekly

[Broken2009]

Hey guys ill try and keep this short

 

 

we dated for 4 months and were friends at work before then. I didnt expresss my feelings and left her hanging until it blew up. We have been in contact weekly and I have made it very easy for her as I have intiated all the contact all the time since our breakup. Every 3-4 months she gives me a small glimmer of light and asks me where I am. In February I let it all out in an e-mail and she responded with some positive things but not what I wanted to hear, and I dont really know what I expected from that or the birthday card I gave her a month ago(through a friend). Most recently a couple of weekends ago, I was asleep and she asked me where I was after I texxted her xo. I sent her a msg last weekend and it was a name we used to call eachother and she called me the other name we used to call eachother and I sent 2 stupid msgs back saying I was a huge loser for watching a show we both watch.

 

I texted her tonight and asked if she finds out about a certain test she just took soon and this was at quarter to eight and have not heard anything back. I am terrified I have now scared her away. I am on the brink of panic and have already cried once tonight (crying is normal for me, I cry probably at least once a day and I do not stop thinking about her and how I want to spend my life with her)

 

Feedback is appreciated, any feedback at all. I've maintained my hope and faith this whole time with reason. I do not want to hear that I have to move on and stop talking to her because Im always going to want to be with her no matter what.

 

Thank you.

 

Kind Regards

[BellaDonna]

Broken2009, I am sorry that you are still hurting so much over your breakup. I read some of your other threads and about your suicidal feelings, and struggles with OCD.

 

Breakups are hard but it seems like you might be suffering from depression and other issues, which makes this experience worse for you.

 

In one of your other threads you mentioned that your mother was very worried about you and suggested that you seek some professional help. Did you ever decide to try that?

[Broken2009]

Thank you so much for your reply and having enough compassion to look at previous posts. In my previous posts I had no idea that these glimmers of light were going to come from her and I wish I had had someway to prepare for them better by reacting more accutely.

 

I haven't decided on trying that at all, I have beat it once and I can beat it again. I am Psychology University grad and I am totally against any anti-depressents but that is just for myself. I am however not against cognitive therapy or psychotherapy at all, I am a student and cannot afford the price of these people. I really think someone could have helped me and still can help me and I could be with the girl I love right now with the help of one of these people. My mother is also battling cancer right now which also makes things tough right now.

 

I rec'd a msg back from the girl I love telling me that she gets her test results Friday but isnt checking them until Monday. I didnt reply as I didn't feel one is necessary. The thing I find most challenging is deciding to wait and keep waiting until I receive contact or just continue to do what I am doing now and contacting her which she seems to enjoy for the most part and I even am able to spark old feelings until my phone dies and im unable to reply to her bringing up old feelings which I dont want sparked as I left her hanging quite a bit while we were together.

[BellaDonna]

I'm so sorry to hear that your mom has cancer. I hope she beats it and the treatment is successful.

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is excellent. If you can't afford it right now, another way to get some of the benefits of it is to seek out some self-help books that are based on CBT.