How do I trust someone new? HELP!

[evepm]

My last relationship was horrible. My ex left me feeling stupid and used. We broke up 3 months ago and now I've meet someone.

 

This new guy seems really nice and we have been friends for a few months. Last night he kissed me which took me by surprise eventhough I knew he liked as more than friends. I'm scared to get invovled with anyone because after my last boyfriend, I don't trust my own judgement. Every guy seems really great in the beginning and then by the time I relaize that they are wrong for me, I'm already into it pretty deep.

 

I've been in several relationships that have ended on bad terms and I'm beyond tired of "recouperating" from them. At this point I'm not even sure if I know how to have a healthy relationship. I'm great at giving everyone else advice but never seem to be able to take my own.

 

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

Evepm

[PuzzlingItOut]

I know exactly how you feel. I've gotten some great support here and would like to give a little in return.

 

Take your time. Go VERY slow. Really evaluate what you want and whether or not this guy can actually give it. Find out what he wants and think HARD about whether or not you can give it.

 

Don't push yourself too hard. That's really all I can think of to say. Please keep updating how its going. I haven't met anyone yet since my last b/f, and I too am scared.

 

Good luck!

[mahlina]

Hi Eve,

 

You sound a lot like me. I know what you mean by being tired of getting hurt. It seems as though every relationship that I got out of in the past, I never gave myself a break, some time off to be 'single.' My best advice for you, is to be single for a while. It doesn't seem like you're quite over the ex yet. I know that it's tough, and I am GLAD that you're deciding to date again. I think that it's healthy for you to.

 

I think that the best time to get involved in any serious relationship again, is when we're ready. That's what I learned. If we're going to go into a 'new' relationship, still feeling hurt about the ex's, then chances are, we're not ready? Why? Because subconsciously, we're getting too seriously involved with another person, as a way to 'ease' our pain. We're basically rebounding. This is what I learned: The best time to get involved in a serious relationship is when we're happy with ourselves. If we're happy with ourselves, then we'll be happy with our partners. But if we go into a relationship thinking, "Oh. Gee. Well, I'm not sure if I might get hurt again. I'm not sure if I can truly trust this person." If we think this way, then we're putting the other person in an awkward situation. In this case, I don't know if the 'self-fulfilling' prophecy works. However, it's not fair for them either, right?

 

So my best advice is to continue on to casually date, but if you feel as though you're getting emotionally attached again, in some way, then it's probably good to give that person who you're casually dating a break for now. I don't mean stop dating them completely, but try not to get involved too quick. Try to give yourself 'space' so that you don't get too attached again. The last thing that you need is another heartache right? Sure the warm and fuzzy feelings are nice, but what's going on is the 'cycle' will repeat itself again. Try to realize the consequences so that you're thinking with your head first, and then your heart. Sometimes breakups take a while to recouperate from, but whatever it is, just be aware of the rebound situation k? It might end up either hurting you or the other person.

 

I am sure that you will do well, with your next relationship. If the ex treated you like dirt, then realize that he's a dirtbag, and karma will make him pay back in one way or the other. Don't let him get the last part of you. Don't let him get your optimism down. Don't let him (or them) completely sever your trust for any guy again. Every guy is different. So it's best to give them a chance as well. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Keep in mind, however, of the lessons that you learn from your past relationships. Remember all of those little things that you caught onto, your little pet peeves, the little tactics that your ex did to cause you grief, the lies that he could've possibly said to you. It's important to keep in mind, all of those little things that you learned from your previous relationship. If your lack of trust is fragile, then don't mention it to the new guy. Get to know him, but don't tell him or hold that trust against him. Let him prove to you through his actions, that he's unlike the ex(s).

 

I hope that you're doing well. Just know that the thoughts/feelings that you're going through, is 'normal.' It's natural that you feel that way, because once you're hurt, it's only normal that you're conditioned to feel that lack of trust again. The person that you should trust more is yourself. Your strength is inside of you. Depend on yourself for now. Trust every decisions that you make, and listen to your gut instinct on the new guys that you meet, including this new guy. Take things slow with the him, and give yourself the time to get over the ex. That's probably the best time to get seriously involved again. Just know that you're on the right track, and give yourself a pat on the back for 'realizing' what's going on in your situation. Hope this Helps!

 

Best of luck to you!

Mahlina

[evepm]

Dear Mahlina:

 

Thank you so much for your extremely insightful advice. I think that I already knew, in my head, the things that you have written. But, I know that I needed the support and input from someone else to really have it "sink in".

 

I try to look at each relationship and gain some insight as to why I got involved with that person and why it did not work out. I will take this one very slow.

 

Thank you again for your support.

 

Peace and blessings to you,

Evepm

[toezaurus81]

The previous poster is right by the way. It is better to take her advise too. I experienced that too, I break up with my bf half yrs ago, I felt hurt deeply but it is lucky that I didn't married such a Jerk yet! I even sent into hospital for sick seriously, and I having nightmare even after half yrs. There is some others admirer around me, but I know it clearly. Take a break for yourself, time will make you in love very soon! My friend which is married now, she advise me not to get in any relationship too early for she experience that in her past. She take revenge to get in any relationship until she lost her feeling in a serious relationship at the end. She keeps wondering is she doing a right things. Is she married a right man. But how lucky she is that I analysis for her. She felt that she loves her hubby deeper and deeper days after days. 10 out of 10 guys only want sex. Can u tell me is there any cat won't eat fish when the fish is near its mouth? Love yourself before you want to love anyone else! Guys are selfish, they mind their wife whether she is virgin, but they took others' virgine away! My warmest wishes to you.