blutgr Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I've been with my partner for over 3 years. Before her, I was in a relationship that lasted 6 years. In both of these relationships, I was very interested in them physically for only the first couple of months. After we moved in together, I lost that desire for them -- or even remote interest. With my first partner, I just shut down. With my second partner, I've had 2 situations where I wanted to be physical with someone else. The first time, my partner could sense I was getting closer to her and she intervened. This last time, I had no intention, but a friend flirted with me and made some moves on me and I liked it. I didn't regret it. In thinking about it, I don't want to replace my partner. I love her, I love living with her, I love our connection, we are a good team and complement each other very well. I love living with her. But, I will never be able to feel that desire for her again. A friend thinks I am only interested in being physical with new people. And it makes sense to me. I enjoy getting to know new people, exploring with new people. It excites me. The same old, same old does not. I enjoy being physical with people who do not yet know me inside and out. I want to show them who I am inside through my physical actions. With a long-term partner, they already know who I am inside and out. Has anyone else gone through this? Will I ever be able to enjoy being physical in a committed relationship or will the thrill of new people always haunt me???? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Not everyone has connections between sex and emotion. I know I don't. (or can't in my case) - maybe you need to seek an open relationship arrangement. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 An open relationship situation is likely to be your best bet. Some people spend their lives longing for excitement and whatnot...they end up cheating, abusing or creating turmoil for their monogamous partner when it doesn't have to be that way. Do you think you would be fulfilled if you could see others as well as her and be honest about it? You have to consider a few things if this is the path you choose to take. You may lose her, you may have to accept your partner seeing other people as well, etc. Link to comment
blutgr Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 i know. it seems the open relationship is the way to go, but does that ever really work do you think? so many emotions are involved. i know i'd never want to end our relationship because it's so good.......but what if i get confused and think i do. same with her. if it could be done in a way where we both agree to it and do it, and it's done quietly, i think it could be handled. i don't know. i'm such an emotional person, a really emotional person -- but only to new people.......i shut down once i get comfortable with someone. my emotions could get carried so far away. with this episode that just happened, after my friend made the moves on me, it threw me for a loop for the next several days wondering if she really liked me deeper than that or not. i think if it could be set up where it's like, hey, i really like you, but i don't want a relationship.......just this other stuff.......well, maybe that could work. it's a hard place and i fear i'm not emotionally advanced or emotionally repressed enough for it. does anyone know if it's something therapy could help?? part of me feels it's something that could never be changed. Link to comment
irishjig Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I read that once in a relationship the physical side alters, at the beginning of a relationship a person is aroused and initiates love making, but as the relationship develops this changes to where the love making is initiated and then the arousal follows. This is not a bad thing or a bad sign just a normal development. And if you think about it it seems to make some sense, when we meet someone it is fresh and new and exciting, even when we move in together but then we see everything about that person. When they are mad, sad, upset, sick, tired, etc. So the physical side alters somewhat. What you have to decide is do I try, will I initiate? Maybe it will come back, but sitting there saying its gone wont help. At least try for your sake and the sake of the person you have admitted you have every other connection with. If still it doesnt work out at least you tried. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Given the response you just had to it, I don't personally think you are ready to handle an open relationship situation lol... it is tangly and messy unless you are prepared and able to think rationally about what is going on. Therapy could certainly help you straighten your emotions out and get to know yourself better and what you want out of life. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I'd rather have no sex than an attempt where the other person so clearly isn't interested and then stops and says "no, I'm not interested anymore", but that's just me. Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 You're not shutting down because you're comfortable. You're shutting down because someone is close and knows you. With new people you're new and mysterious. Link to comment
blutgr Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 well, i always put it off. and then she'll get so sad and disappointed and thinks i'm not attracted to her. it's not that. but i can't make her believe that. so i'll go along with it. i try to "get into it" but it doesn't feel good......at all. i try mental games to fool myself into thinking it does. it does not. it's such a chore and it makes me feel cheap. Link to comment
blutgr Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 she's talked before, maybe half-joking, about having someone just for that for herself. but when a friend asked her recently about me doing that, she got mad. but at least it's been broached. if she could make it so there's no emotion involved.....maybe. and if i could think rationally and not get carried away, i could possibly do it. we are going on a long trip this weekend where we'll be driving for 10 hours -- should i try to talk about it then or once we get back home? Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Honestly, it sounds more like an emotional issue than an orientation towards polyamory. Do you feel this comes from struggles with self-esteem and worth or intimacy? Link to comment
blutgr Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 hexae.......i think you are DEFINITELY onto something!!! that is exactly how i feel. wow. thank you for that insight! Link to comment
blutgr Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 iphig........i think it is more emotional.......but i also don't mind the poly -- i enjoyed that aspect years and years ago when i was dating around........i enjoyed the thrill. i think most times i would not seek it out but i'd want the freedom to if i actually met someone i liked. with my partner, she'd probably seek it out because she needs it more than i do. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 iphig........i think it is more emotional.......but i also don't mind the poly -- i enjoyed that aspect years and years ago when i was dating around........i enjoyed the thrill. i think most times i would not seek it out but i'd want the freedom to if i actually met someone i liked. with my partner, she'd probably seek it out because she needs it more than i do. I think open relationships can really rescue people from their struggles in monogamy because that simply isn't for everyone. However, I may have been too quick to suggest it, as it may not solve your problems... I would maybe suggest therapy or couple's counseling first before diving into sleeping with other people... it could get really ugly :s I think having a talk with you SO about what you've said here will help, but I wouldn't necessarily be setting up sex dates yet until you have a bit more handle on your emotions, yanno? Link to comment
blutgr Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 thanks.......i think that's a good idea. maybe we can talk about it next week and i can tell her how i feel and about our struggles and then maybe couples counseling would be a good idea. at least there, we'd have a safe place to talk and the therapist could help us go down this possible path. i appreciate all the feedback and the non-judging communication from you guys. i'd rather be able to have all my needs met in a relationship, but my 2 serious ones spanning 9.5 years have shown me i cannot - and i'm 38 so it's not like i'm a kid who's just being stupid and indecisive. Link to comment
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I think that is a great idea, blutgr. Best of luck. Link to comment
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