I keep LYING to my boyfriend!!!

[chardonna8]

I don't know if there's something wrong with me (my bf thinks I'm a pathological liar) but I lie A LOT to him. Each time I do, it kills him. We've been together for a year and a half, and during the first 6-8 months I was pretty deceptive about my past and my fidelity. He found out slowly and even so I tried to carry out the lies. And there has been plenty that I lied about. Now, I've still lied to him about once a month since all that happened last year. He's very suspicious of everything that I say (of course) and sometimes I'm really scared to tell him the truth (even if it's something insignificant-which all the stuff in 2004 has been). But for some stupid reason I still lie, and I did it 2 days ago and we had a huge falling out, and then today I did it again (both were about really little, stupid things). I'm so aggravated with myself and I KNOW I have control over the lies, but then I did it twice in 2 days!!! I need advice. I don't know what I'm going to do to try and save this relationship. And I need to fix this problem of mine! It seems like it should be so simple- a conscious decision to be honest. Then why am I having such a hard time with it? I need help ASAP or my relationship is going to die very very soon, my bf is extremely frustrated, hurt, and disappointed in me. PLEASE HELP!

[QTpie87]

all i can say is no matter how hard it is not to lie just remember that he loves you and if you two really do love eachother you don't need to lie and you can work through things...the more you keep lieing though ...the harder it will be to stop...you just will keep digging your own grave deeper and deeper...

i have had this problem before..if you need to talk pm me.

[Meow18]

If you really want your relationship to work, you need to do something to help yourself. Go see a psychiatrist. Maybe you don't want to, but you need it. You need to do something. You know that you have a problem, so the next step is to do something about it. If you are in school, talk to a counsler. Don't feel embarrassed or anything to talk to someone like that, they are used to hearing about things like that all the time. Your relationship will not last if you don't get help. Its nice that your boyfriend is as understanding as he is, most would have left by now, but he's only going to be able to handle so much. Hes going to lose all his trust in you & you are going to lose him if you don't go see someone.

[ComputerGuy]

I really think you need to see someone about this because it WILL destroy the relationship as trust is one of the major fundamentals of a lasting relationship. I can't relate to your situation completely because my g/f and I have always been able to talk about everything, but I know that if she was lying to me it would really get to me.

[chardonna8]

thanks, guys, for the advice. I know what I need is a serious commitment to stop lying. It should have been taken care of, and clearly I just need to work harder. I get really unreasonably paranoid about things that I do (like checking my cell phone to see if my mom called) because in the past he's given me a hard time about it, regardless of my intentions. What I need are some suggestions on how to win my guy back. Right now he's so fed up with me (understandably) but underneath all our problems we have magic, and I want to work thru it all and find that magic again. Any advice on things that I can do to make him feel better would be appreciated. When I ask him, he always just says to stop lying and to make him not feel worried about where I'm going or what I'm doing. But to him that means not going anywhere or doing anything, and I'm going to grad school in the fall and I work at a job where I'm on call all night a few times a month. He's worried when I spend time with friends, and even when I visit my grandmother. I've already stopped seeing my friends and I've cut back on seeing my grandmother. It seems like the only way that he won't be worried is to quit that job, and not go back to school. The job pays good and school is really important to me, so I'm really struggling with these decisions. so please help with advice on other things that I can do to help him be less worried.

[Meow18]

It seems like his lack of trust in you is caused by all the lies. I think once he sees that you are done lying with him, he will be able to trust you when you go out. Don't quit seeing your friends, or your grandma, or school, or your job. Those things are important to you & its not right to stop doing important things just because your boyfriend wants you to. It will show him that he can control you & it will slowly get worse. You just need to work on your lying problem, that way he will be able to gain trust in you. Like if he knows you lie to him a lot, maybe he doesn't believe that your hanging out with your friends just to hang out, no matter how many times you tell him. Also, you may no be together forever, so continuing working & going to school are good to do. He knows you lie, so why wouldn't he think your lying to cover up something you may have done (like make out with another guy). I'm not saying you would, but he has no reason to trust you. It will take a long time to work on your lying & gain his trust, it won't happen over night. If your relationship is important, just work on it & soon things will be alright.

[chardonna8]

thanks for the advice, and I've got to admit that I don't want to quit my job or not go to school. As I said, he gets really nervous when I hang out with my friends (and there were problems in that department last year, I made some bad decisions with them-but I've grown, I know I can make smarter decisions now) so I've stopped hanging out with all of my friends. As for my grandma, I think he's more upset that I'm not spending time with him than suspicious. But having that job and going to school...he's so worried that I'm going to meet a guy and cheat. (there were some cheating issues last year as well). Other than not lying (which I haven't done a very good job of), what can I do for his peace of mind? Next weekend my cousin has a graduation party and my family is going to DC for 4 days, and I really really want to do that stuff, but I know it's going to make him worried. what should I do? and no matter what I do about that, what are other ways I can make him feel better?? I need so much help.

[Meow18]

Well he's the one with the trust issue. There's really nothing you can do at this point besides be loyal & completely honest to him. You need to continue on with your life. Do the things you want to do, if you don't do a lot of things now that you really want to because of him, you will regret it later. He needs to see that you are changing your life. Make him feel like he's the only guy that matters to you & the only one you want to be with. I think its normal for a guy to be a little worried that his girl will find someone else, us girls even worry about that too, but it shouldn't be so bad that he tells you not to go. You need to go to school if thats what you want for you. Maybe you will find someone else, you can't promise him that you will be with him forever, but you can tell him that you have no need to look for anyone else at this point in life & that he's the one you want. Just keep reminding him of that. Hopefully sooner or later he learns to trust you. If things don't start getting better soon, I suggest maybe a couples therapy. That would really help you out in your situation.