day 3

[Im Steph]

Today is day 3 of my personal no contact challenge. I didn't tell him that I was going to do this, nor did I set a particular goal yet. I am just miserable. I know that today is the birthday of the girl he cheated on me with, a friend and co-worker of both of us. I can just imagine them going out with other friends there for her birthday, and I imagine them feeling and giving into an attraction between them still. He had told me he knew it was probably for the wrong reasons, and he was not proud of himself for his behavior. But he still did it, and she did too. I hate her more than him. I don't know why that is.

 

It is killing me to think of him feeling relief that I'm not there anymore. He feels like he lost himself and he wants to go back to who he was when we first met, a very gregarious, social, charming man traveling the world. I didn't pursue him. He saw something in me then that made him want to be with me, for the last 6 years, even when it was not that easy for us to be together. Yes, we were going through a stressful time with our jobs uncertain this year, and we both seemed to pull into ourselves when we should have been using our time to connect with each other. I so wish we had been able to do that. But why does he not have the feeling left to try doing that now? I am willing to do the work we need to but he doesn't believe in us. We made each other happy.

 

Now I'm so scared to go on with my life, deciding on and finding a new job, where to live. I don't know because all I feel I want now is to be with him.

[iBroken]

You dont want to be with this man. He has not put the effort in, there is (or may be) someone else.

 

Relationships end for a reason. When you try to force them, they dont often work out in the end unless there is a committed effort from BOTH parties.

 

It sounds like you are holding on to hope however, if he is not willing to put 150% into you guys, you are only prologing the inevitable pain.

[shrinkisdead]

I know the feeling of being blamed for someone else's changes. Your only responsibility is to be okay with yourself, and that is going to take time. The personal challenge is a great step, and I am sure everyone here is proud of you. However, you are only able to try your best, and then find support to help you do the rest.

[DeenasRhino]

Keep fighting your urges. Stay strong. Remain no contact.

[Im Steph]

Thanks. Well, I guess I've made it through this day. In contrast to most people, the nights usually seem somewhat easier to me, because his time zone is 6 hours ahead of me and I can pretty safely assume he's sleeping now. I know that the willingness to work on a relationship has to come from both people. I can't understand why he doesn't want that, but at this point, he isn't feeling that commitment.

 

I'm afraid that if I don't see him, then he will never regain that feeling. When he broke up with me, we had been apart for 3 weeks already, and now it's been nearly another 6 weeks. Am I just fading away to him, even though he is still all I can think about?

[TurtleDove12]

Thanks. Well, I guess I've made it through this day. In contrast to most people, the nights usually seem somewhat easier to me, because his time zone is 6 hours ahead of me and I can pretty safely assume he's sleeping now. I know that the willingness to work on a relationship has to come from both people. I can't understand why he doesn't want that, but at this point, he isn't feeling that commitment.

 

I'm afraid that if I don't see him, then he will never regain that feeling. When he broke up with me, we had been apart for 3 weeks already, and now it's been nearly another 6 weeks. Am I just fading away to him, even though he is still all I can think about?

 

It's always hard to determine. But this feeling is natural...you don't want your ex to forget about you. Make sure that >you

[tujna]

Thanks. Well, I guess I've made it through this day. In contrast to most people, the nights usually seem somewhat easier to me, because his time zone is 6 hours ahead of me and I can pretty safely assume he's sleeping now. I know that the willingness to work on a relationship has to come from both people. I can't understand why he doesn't want that, but at this point, he isn't feeling that commitment.

 

I'm afraid that if I don't see him, then he will never regain that feeling. When he broke up with me, we had been apart for 3 weeks already, and now it's been nearly another 6 weeks. Am I just fading away to him, even though he is still all I can think about?

 

As counter-intuitive as it sounds, actually, it is quite the opposite. Not being in contact and not seeing someone who you used to have in your life every day for so many years, usually helps us appreciate the person and the time we had with them even though we took it for granted to begin with. If there is potential in your relationship, the more you don't call him, the more he will be thinking of you and wondering what you are up to. Just wait for that one. It feels really rewarding when they start contacting you to check what is going on. Of course, this doesn't mean you are going to get them back necessarily. But believe it or not, the only way to have someone is to let them go completely free, so they can choose to be with you.

 

Keep going, he notices every day you haven't been in contact and soon he will start wondering whether you have moved on. But don't let him lead you on and don't break because it will feel worse afterwards.

[Im Steph]

I am trying. I guess this is now day 5. I started working again at my old waitressing job as a temporary measure. I need to be making some money to at least cover my expenses, and there are many people I work with there that I have known for years, even before ex. I am very lucky to have a job I can go back to, I know many people don't have that luxury.

 

I know that contacting him all the time, and trying to understand why he made the decision to give up, and what he's thinking each day is not going to have any positive results. It's not possible to forget about someone you shared 6 years with. If he possibly could, I guess he really is an uncaring and heartless person, not just a good person who has recently made some bad decisions. I think he is really a good person, and I miss him so much.

 

How are you doing, tujna?

[TurtleDove12]

He may very well be a really good person. But he needs to prove that to you, and not the other way around. Keep it up on NC, you're doing great! See how it plays out, nothing's written in stone.

[tujna]

Agreed with turtle... Even if he is a good person, this does not make things easier for you. You deserve this person to appreciate you and to want to be with you and so far he has not even proven he deserves to be with you. Walking away in such a way from a long relationship might be indication that he never appreciated the time you spent together, and his willingness to simply walk away does not really show "deepness" of his understanding of the two of you. Not to mention the third person involved which is one of the worst things he could have done to you.

 

It is so great you started your old job! This is huge advantage to you and will help you a lot. Now concentrate on yourself and make decisions about your future and what YOU want for your life. Invest in what you wish to do for your life. 5 days is great! Keep going, don't quit!! There will be a time when you will talk, just not now. It is too early and is only going to make you feel worse.

 

I am pretty good actually. There is someone new in my life and yesterday for first time I told myself that I don't even want him back right now. Its been 9 months and although new emotions have come to my life and lots of new exciting people, I cannot help but feel resentment over everything he did. I am a very forgiving person in general but for some reason I am nowhere close to being OK with the horrible things he did. Maybe it is a sign that I am not over him but it is good enough for me as long as I am not suffering the way I used to because there is nothing worse than suffering for a person you spend so many years of your life with and they could just get up and leave. I am sure you know what I am talking about!