it's not over. and we're both confused.

[Juxtapoz]

this morning i spoke with the boy. i feel weird calling him my "ex" because it doesn't officially feel over and the lines of our relationship were always blurry and rather undefined.

 

we chatted on msn. he told me he has feelings for me and he can't shake them. we had seen each other this past weekend, after two weeks of hardly any contact at all. and when we did see each other, we were like magnets. seriously, he was my shadow the entire night. we spent all day sunday watching the world cup in only our underwear, and had a really in-depth discussion about our complicated feelings. it wasn't an easy conversation. a lot of things came out that were both disturbing and liberating. this boy is NOT used to heart-to-hearts, AT ALL. by the end of the day, his face and image had changed in my eyes. i felt like he had become more of my equal and not just some guy i had been so wildly attracted to. it certainly didn't feel like some sort of post-breakup shenanigans. i know what those feel like. it reinstated what i had already felt all along, that we were far from finished.

 

the problem is, he's an indecisive idiot. well, he's not an idiot. but he's indecisive. the boy has been in a string of serious relationships for the past 15 years so i don't blame him for craving space and freedom. i've been pretty understanding about the whole thing and have encouraged him to tell me what's going on. and recently he has, which are milestones for him because he's not normally the type to express what's going on underneath.

 

he's told me this several times now, about how incredible it feels to be able to open up to someone. i told him he can say anything to me, just as long as it's the truth. i only get angry when i'm lied to or kept in the dark.

 

i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm madly in love with this person. the chemistry has been undeniable from the very moment we met, and despite recent problems and space issues, we continuously grow closer in knowing each other as people. i love everything about him, including the things i thoroughly hate.

 

here's the thing: i'm leaving Europe in less than two weeks (one of them will be spent in another city on a business trip). I'll probably see him once or twice more before I leave. Then I'll be gone for three months until I return. He has expressed that we please keep in touch over the summer, via MSN, Skype, letters, etc. I'm going to see other guys when I return, but I know he'll always be in the back of my mind.

 

This summer will be good for us, for us both to assess what it is we really want. but i can't help but go home with a solid flame lit only for him. i'm a one-guy kinda girl. i don't know how to share my feelings, i can't even fake it. at least, not this time. i can barely even kiss another guy. believe me, i tried, and i just got so disgusted that i took off when he wasn't looking. my mom keeps bugging me about some single men she knows and i tell her to knock it off, that i need time. but meanwhile, what if he finds another woman? how the hell am i supposed to handle that?

 

i know some of my past threads have portrayed him negatively, but like i said, he's confused/indecisive/complicated. i'm patient enough to deal with these issues as long as there is progress, and already there has been a significant amount in the past few weeks. i just want to be strong. and i want him. for the long haul. tell me, how do you keep a man in sight from miles and miles away? i don't want him to forget me, but i don't want to be too available either.

 

when we first met i got the craziest feeling in my stomach, like i was about to embark on a long emotional journey with this person. and after this weekend, i felt it again. a feeling of knowing. is it wrong to feel hopeful? please don't tell me to forget him right now because i can't.

[preciousgirl82]

I wont tell you to forget about him because im sure thats impossible to do right now. But i think you know the answer to this one. You want someone on here to tell you that this is meant to last but i think deep down you know that its not. You said yourself that he's an "indecisive idiot". You may have corrected yourself on the "idiot" part but something mustve made you say it. You cant turn him into what you want him to be and the distance between you two will only make matters more difficult. Its not wrong to feel hopeful but be realistic. I dont know how old you are but im sure you're young enough that you're gonna fall in love many more times. He's a comfort to you but that doesnt mean this relationship is best. Ultimately, you can not watch him 24/7 and you cant keep him from straying if thats what he wants to do. Put your feelings aside for a moment and assess how he really feels about you and being in a committed relationship. As i said, you cant turn this into something that you both arent ready for.

[Juxtapoz]

that's just it, i do think it's meant to last. but i'm also scared to get hurt. i'm about to be 29. i've fallen several times in the past.

 

i feel like in order for us to have a healthy, stable relationship, we both need some space and if we do re attempt a relationship, some things need to be done differently on both our parts. like me having my own life. i didn't really have that this time around so i clung to his.