"It's never too late"

[aesop921]

I have a huge problem with regret.

 

Regret almost entirely controls my mind and emotions at this point in time (19 currently). In fact, my 19th birthday was recently, and I think this is when it struck me how far behind in life I am.

 

I have always taken the easy way out- of everything- in school I slid by because I took minimal loads and easy classes. I was a good student I suppose, but had I had friends to party with or hang out and waste time with earlier in my life I surely would not have graduated.

 

Almost all of my inspirational figures started their career journeys early in their lives (i.e. musicians who started playing at 13/14 or even like 5 years old). Or people who started programming super early who are now computer geniuses at about 15 years old.

 

 

I have a huge problem sticking to things. I've never followed through with the things I do. I always am jumping around and it has severely affected my focus and ability to get things done. This has led to even more problems like depression and low self-confidence.

 

So I am 19, I am filled with so much regret about EVERYTHING: I've spent my money so terribly and stupidly. The same obviously goes for my time.

 

I've wasted so much time trying to figure out what I want to actually do in life, and its so hard to jump into things now because I feel overwhelmed with possibilities. AND I END UP DOING NOTHING!

 

I know that people commonly do nothing when they are overwhelmed, but its been like this for a while. I've just been trudging through schoolwork/work and hanging out with friends and being unproductive every chance I get.

 

While I feel hopeless, I still constantly dream and fantasize like I've been doing my entire life. But my dreams are almost unrealistic and very vague. I have a hard time even taking baby steps because then I feel ashamed that I'm not putting in more effort.

 

I guess I'm looking for some reassurance... I've read about posters on here who are 40+ saying they've taken up a new hobby and have fallen in love with it, and it gives them purpose. But I'm so obsessed with being AMAZING at something (like putting 20 years worth of practice into an instrument or some other hobby). I guess I'm just obsessed with impressing people?

 

I want to relax about this stuff, but I am just in agony when I see my friend who is my age and he is amazingly talented in music, he is so creative and hilarious and knowledgeable about music. He possesses all the attributes I wish I had.

 

My other friend, who is also musical, is extremely smart about EVERYTHING. He has his stuff together. He knows how to interact with people and is very independent and can manage relationships super well.

 

Me - I have been freaking out about this situation for the past two years. My wasted time has been spent playing video games (addiction my entire life) but now I get no enjoyment and I can't even play games because I don't have any fun and just get overcome with guilt. Whenever I try to do something I feel like I should be doing something else!

 

I don't know how to forgive myself for being lazy, and I've been trying so hard lately to be more productive but I just get sucked into my lazy habits.. its extremely discouraging.

 

I'm sorry this post was so long. Does anybody have any stories, or can recommend any books or movies that might inspire me? I've been reading The Power of Now and some other self-help books but I feel as if they don't get through to me. I need to change so badly

[SnowFox]

One of the things that crossed my mind after reading your post was that getting hooked up with a good psychologist could probably do you a world of good. If you have problems with motivation, maintaining interest in activities, video game addiction (your word), its very possible that you have some problems going on that you will need treatment for in order to start getting your life on track.

 

A good psychologist could test you for ADHD, anxiety, depression, among other things (and often people who have those problems can have two or all three of them at the same time- that is quite common).

 

The good thing that I see from what you wrote is that you are acknowledging to yourself what your actual problems are that are preventing you from moving ahead in life. That is the first step toward making any type of meaningful change- admitting that there is a problem.

 

Since your problems seem fairly extensive, I would recommend getting professional psychological help first rather than attempting to diagnose your problems yourself. To me you sound like someone who would benefit from some type of medication as well as therapy.

[aesop921]

I've been to two different therapists that were both really great... but they didn't help me. It wasn't because of them. It was because of me. Therapy won't help me, because no matter what they say I have to make the change and I don't allow myself to change (thinking habits, physical habits, etc.)

 

And most of these problems just stem from extreme regret about my past.

 

I wish I had played (well, stuck with) a sport when I was younger. I literally feel unworthy because I didn't stick with one, and I had no control or self-discipline. Now I do feel like its too late to play a sport.

 

Strange thing is, I really have no interest in sports or playing one... I just feel like I should have for some reason. I feel like I stripped myself of any sort of masculinity by not sticking with a sport and being so stubborn as a kid.