Engulfment issues in a new relationship

[SpottiOtti]

I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how to handle the fear of engulfment. I have been dating a man for about three months now and our feelings for each other have gotten quite strong. However, I have noticed that if we have a period in which we are bonding particularly well and really connecting, I pull away afterwards.

For example, we spent this past weekend together, and last night in particular I felt very connected and loving toward him. But then it was too much and I began to feel smothered. I felt the depth of his feelings for me and it annoyed me. This morning I couldn’t wait to get away from him. I’m very confused. I don’t understand myself; how I could love him deeply then resent him for loving me back just as deeply?

I believe that what I am experiencing is a fear of engulfment. I felt that I recognized the symptoms, remembered them from my previous relationship. The feeling would sound, if put into words, something vaguely like this: What do you want from me exactly? What if I can’t give it to you?

Has anyone had any success with this issue?

[mad rabbits]

Yes, these feelings are very familiar to me. I'm usually a singleton, perhaps for that reason.

 

I tried out a relationship recently with a long term friend of mine. I thought I was into him, or sufficiently into him to start a relationship at least. However when he reciprocated my feelings, I freaked out and ran away.

 

In my case I came to the conclusion that in this instance at least, it wasn't fear of engulfment that wrecked things, it was just that I wasn't into him enough.

 

However, it is a bit of a chicken vs the egg thing, I am not sure really overrall whether it is my own need for independence and fear of getting too close that destroys my relationships, or if its that I haven't yet met the right person to want to drop my fears.

 

Maybe you need to determine which it is in your case. Do you really like this guy, or not enough to make you want to drop your guard?

[SpottiOtti]

Thanks for your reply! I guess the other readers agree with your assessment, since no one had anything else to add.

 

I have had this problem in some of my past dating experiences as well, and while it was not exactly your situation, I did come to the same conclusion in those cases: that I was not that into them. It feels different this time. My feelings are genuine, and so is the connection. I want to see where this goes long-term because I feel that it has a lot of potential and this guy has so many of the qualities I find important in long-term partners. I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up, and start feeling smothered by normal boyfriend behavior. I want to talk to him about it but not sure if I can make him understand and I don't want to hurt his feelings . . . my last partner called me selfish for wanting alone time and maybe he has something to do with this . . .

 

In your case with the friend, just curious if you had trouble switching him from the friend category to the boyfriend category, or did you just realize that it wasn't what you wanted when he reciprocated the romantic interest?

[geekgirl4]

While it's possible and understandable that you probably just haven't met the right guy yet, I think you should also consider trying to work yourself through these feelings too. I think talking to a therapist might help bring some clarity. Or some deep soul searching on why these feelings seem to repeatedly occur. I'm sure you'll find the right man who will make you want to continue loving him, despite the fear, but it won't hurt to search through these feelings you have.

[rascal84]

Hi.....been reading your thread.

 

I think i may be on the receiving end of your feelings. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months and although pretty much perfect......he's recently shown some signs of getting scared of what you call 'engulfment'. He called it feeling 'crowded' and explained he felt pressured not to hurt me.

 

Its hard to understand how that other person is feeling but i guess i decided what was best was to stand back a little and hopefully allow him the space to realise what he wants. Since then, he has started to show me how he feels by doing things that before i would have already done for him, or not given him chance to do.

 

I think you really need to say to him that you maybe feel a little too overwhelmed by his commitment.....nothing makes you really realise how you feel until you think you might lose it. I'm not saying play games, but at least let him know whats going on in your mind. If my bf hadn't have said, i think it would have been over for all the wrong reasons.

 

You obviously like him, but feeling scared it might not be as much as him....thats natural and takes time for both of you to be in exactly the same place. If you think its worth it....i'd express how you feel now....before its too late.

[kodak]

Wow. As the previous poster said, I was on the receiving end of this, and I agree with her, it would do you worlds of good to talk to him about these feelings, if you really are interested in pursuing things further with him.

 

In my case, the guy I was seeing that did this to me did not talk about what was going on with him. So I only had his actions to go by, and his actions hurt. 8/10 times when we would have a particularly close few days, being a weekend away or whatever, he would ruin it by being cold and distant afterwards, or he'd out and out pick a fight. For example, he'd take me away for a night or two to some romantic spot, where we'd eat by candlelight and spend our days beachcombing, and he was totally into it, happy, laughing smiling, being funny, being romantic... then we'd get home, and I'd make the dreadful mistake of telling him how much I hate our weekend to end... And then I'd make the second dreadful mistake of texting him a few hours after he dropped me off to thank him for the wonderful weekend. And he'd respond with something like "yeah, it was an ok time." What a kick in the balls! This type of behavior hurt so much.

 

Eventually I realized that he had a real problem dealing with expectations and meeting up to them. Which is why I bolded that latter part you said about your feeling of what does he want from you exactly. Those words speak to a fear, not a fear of the other person, but a fear that you have about yourself, a fear that eventually you won't be able to deliver, a fear that he will find out that you aren't what he thought you were perhaps? I don't know, but that question you had in your mind definitely speaks to a fear of something.

 

 

Do you feel comfortable talking to him about how you felt?

[mad rabbits]

In your case with the friend, just curious if you had trouble switching him from the friend category to the boyfriend category, or did you just realize that it wasn't what you wanted when he reciprocated the romantic interest?

 

I think both of those things apply. The major problem to me in that relationship was that there wasn't enough romantic/physical chemistry. My mind ultimately had a hard time seeing him other than a friend. But I gave it a go because it seemed to have so many other things going for it.

 

As to your second question, the relationship may have coasted on for a while quite happily, but it was him falling for me and displaying more need for intimacy from me that pushed me towards the realization that I just wasn't feeling it like he was, and it wasn't fair to continue under those circumstances.

[SpottiOtti]

"then we'd get home, and I'd make the dreadful mistake of telling him how much I hate our weekend to end... And then I'd make the second dreadful mistake of texting him a few hours after he dropped me off to thank him for the wonderful weekend. And he'd respond with something like "yeah, it was an ok time." What a kick in the balls! This type of behavior hurt so much. "

 

"Those words speak to a fear, not a fear of the other person, but a fear that you have about yourself, a fear that eventually you won't be able to deliver, a fear that he will find out that you aren't what he thought you were perhaps? I don't know, but that question you had in your mind definitely speaks to a fear of something. "

 

 

Kodak . . .

First, I am very glad to hear your point of view, because I think that it is probably the way he feels. I am sorry that your ex made you feel that way. My guy has done the exact same thing that you described in the first quoted part . . . and why wouldn't he [or you] text to say that you had a great time and thanks?? I know logically that there is nothing smothering or "wrong" with this . . . but something takes over and I begin to feel crowded. Usually in my texts I can cover it, and seem enthusiastic, but on the phone or in person I'm sure he would sense it.

 

Second, I think you hit the nail on the head and put into words what I couldn't: A fear that I won't be able to deliver eventually, or a fear that he will run away when he finds out how flawed and human I actually am, is definitely a factor. And also a fear that somehow I will hurt him. Now I need to figure out how to get past this.

 

I do feel comfortable talking about this with him, but I'm not sure how to bring it up and I don't want him to feel that just because I have this issue, I'm not totally into him and want this to work. Any suggestions? Thank you so much.

[kodak]

Just bring it up one day when you're having drinks, or out to dinner, or whatever. Just say something like, "hey, you know, I've noticed something about myself, and I'd like to talk with you about it..." He'll be so open to hearing it, you'll feel instantly comfortable. He's probably already noticed behaviors related to these issues/fears that you have anyway. Maybe you're even sending off "get away from me" signals in ways you aren't even aware of, and maybe he'll tell you about them. And just tell him what you've said here, that the reason you're bringing this up is because you don't want to lose him, that you like what's happening between you two, and you really want to... want to ..... what do you want?

[SpottiOtti]

I bet you're right and it will be fine, and he is very open to what I have to say usually. I think I'll try to talk to him about it tonight. Thanks for your insight!

[kodak]

I hope things work out, mostly, I hope you overcome these feelings.

[darth_vader]

Yes, these feelings are very familiar to me. I'm usually a singleton, perhaps for that reason.

 

I tried out a relationship recently with a long term friend of mine. I thought I was into him, or sufficiently into him to start a relationship at least. However when he reciprocated my feelings, I freaked out and ran away.

 

 

Do you think you can go back to being friends? I'm going through a very similar situation that your describing.

[darth_vader]

bump........

[dontlook]

very similar to how i felt at the start of my current relationship...

 

for me it was because well, i really really liked him!

and i was sooo scared of being hurt. and it made and still makes me do stupid things...

 

it took a lonnnng time for me to let go of those feelings and i still am.

 

i think those feelings and trust go hand in hand.

 

you need to learn to trust him with YOU....good luck!