VERY inconsiderate friend. Not sure what to do now....

[JewelCat]

I've been friends with this guy (I'm female) for almost a year. I had feelings for him, so I tried to pursue a friendship with the hopes that it could lead to more, which was a huge mistake, I know. I kinda eventually came to the conclusion that we're better off as only friends, since we're trying to get into the same type of industry, and we may end up working together in the future.

 

I thought I was over him, but I guess some of the emotional attachment is still there. I hung out with him and another one of my friends yesterday at the zoo, and he ran into this girl he knew from one of his classes. At one point, he ditched us to talk to her, and I just jokingly told him to stop flirting once he rejoined us (he seemed pretty into her), and I didn't really think much of it. But then he ditched us a second time, saying he just wanted to help her and her friends pick a restaurant since they were about to leave the zoo, and he was gone for probably a good 15 or 20 minutes. When he rejoined us again, he acted as though he did nothing wrong, and I was pretending it didn't bother me, but inside I was furious.

 

Also, a couple weeks back, he said I could go over to his house to watch a few episodes of a show I missed that was saved on his DVR. When we were leaving the zoo, I asked him if Friday (tomorrow) worked, and told me to call him on Friday to see if that day works out. Plus, he said he wouldn't watch the shows with me because he already saw them.

 

I want to scream at him now!! He's has NEVER behaved that way around me before, but I think he's genuinely clueless in social situations, and doesn't realize that what he did was very rude. I feel like I should knock some sense into him before I decide to cut off his friendship completely, but I don't know how to talk to him without sounding like I was jealous from the zoo incident. I texted him earlier today to tell him that I couldn't go to his place tomorrow because something came up. Nothing really came up, I just don't want to go because I'm too angry with him right now. He replied back basically saying, "ok. let me know when want to come over."

 

I have no idea what I should do next. I don't want to drop off the face of the earth just yet, because I let him barrow a couple of my DVDs about a month ago, and I'd like to get those back first. I want him to know how upset he made me, but I don't know how to bring it up, or avoiding sounding confrontational.

 

Or am I over-reacting?

[Speranza]

I think you may be. What he did WASN'T rude, was it? As you say, he has no idea. You ARE jealous so that's how you will sound.

 

You say you know you made a big mistake. So how is it his fault? Why didn't you just ask him out if you liked him, instead of trying to manipulate it so that you would become friends and he would then suddenly realise he liked you, overcome the hurdle of you now being friends, and do all the hard work?

 

He may have no idea how you feel. IMHO you have little to lose by telling him, but it sounds as though if you were a guy you would be posting a 'Friendzoned' thread. If he was flirting with this other woman he has probably not got that kind of feelings for you, and you have no right to be angry as far as I can see. You haven't been honest with him, have you? Maybe you should go for broke, but he may not feel anything like you do.

[Citlali]

"Sounding" like you were jealous? You were jealous, though you have no right to be. You can't get angry at him and hold things against him when the relationship between you two is supposed to be purely platonic. There was nothing wrong in him helping the girl find a restaurant or talking to her. It's not like he left you at the zoo for the rest of the day. You act as if he were your boyfriend. In any case, you are overreacting and almost acting possessive over someone whom you have no right over in that way. Perhaps you need to take some time off from the friendship to cool down and realize you can't act that way and you have to do your best to get rid of any feelings you may have or you will continue to expect more than you're owed and have misplaced feelings. Also, I don't suggest you bring up how you felt because it will just come off as possessive, entitled, and clingy--which will push him away. Friends aren't supposed to be like that. Think well about this. I suggest you just let it go and cool off.

[JewelCat]

You say you know you made a big mistake. So how is it his fault? Why didn't you just ask him out if you liked him, instead of trying to manipulate it so that you would become friends and he would then suddenly realise he liked you, overcome the hurdle of you now being friends, and do all the hard work?

 

Oh no no no no no! I don't want to be anything more than friends with him anymore (or at least I thought I did). For the last couple of months, when we've hung out it's been feeling much more platonic and it felt like my romantic interest in him has been dwindling for some time, but I guess I do still have feelings for him. And I did ask out, back in January when I still liked him. I had free movie passes, so I invited him, and he asked if he could bring one of our mutual friends too. I figured right then and there I was friendzoned.

 

I'm not angry that he was talking to her, I was upset that he walked off and disappeared for a good chunk of time while my friend and I were waiting for him. I'm trying to imagine the scenario if it had been a female friend who did that, and while I don't think I'd as upset as I was with him, I wouldn't be too happy if she walked off the way he did.

 

But I will not tell him how I felt, and I wont be seeing him for while. I need to cool off.

[Speranza]

Sounds wise. Dontcha HATE that when your head and heart just aren't on the same page?

[JewelCat]

Sounds wise. Dontcha HATE that when your head and heart just aren't on the same page?

 

Oh yes, I hate it.

 

I know he's not boyfriend material, at least not for me. I was attracted to him, and he seemed to show an interest in me too, so I tried to get to know him. We have a lot of common interests (we go to the zoo a lot, that's actually where I met him), so I really want to keep his friendship. I just need to disappear for a little while.

[minou]

You totally overreacted. If you didn't feel like waiting, you could have moved on without him after 15" or so. He really didn't do anything wrong. I think you're just angry you're not getting what you want. If he was interested in you, he would let you know. You should back off to protect your feelings. They're too intense and you may say things you regret later.