Guilt at breaking up with him...

[Eclipse11]

Hi...I feel so guilty right now...

 

I already spent hours telling my ex-boyfriend he would not change my mind, I was breaking up with him...

 

I have not been responding to his texts, neither have I been saying "I love you"...

 

Yet I foolishly said I would meet him tomorrow evening at the weekend and I have just phoned him and said I didn't think it would be a good idea since I would disappoint him and make him feel worse if we met...I said it in a wishy washy way though so we are kinda going through with it and I said I let him know tomorrow if I change my mind...

 

We have been broken up for ten days...

 

He made it clear he loved me very much still, saying it, saying I mean the world to him, how torn up he is...and throughout the conversation I had to be very mean, firm and cold and it was awful...he said, so you mean you want no contact with me at all then and I just didn't want to say, yes...

 

Tried to phone back just now to say sorry if I surprised him ( his phone was switched off and that worried me ) and I sounded harsh on the phone but I didn't want to give him false hopes...

 

This is so hard to do...should I just get tough, will he be okay? This is awful, though I am the one doing the breaking up...

 

Just feel so guilty...and I'm tired of feeling guilty! I already have for months...

 

Eclipse x

[russ978]

You should never feel guilty for pursuing your own happiness.

 

It my suck to hurt him but if you go through life doing what other people want and sacraficing what you want, straight up, you're a sucker.

 

It will get easier with time.

[BellaStranger]

Oh honey.... don't do it to him!! My ex has been doing this for weeks and it has only made things worse and made things harder for me!! Things have finally reached NC with me losing the plot cos I was so messed up from his mixed messages.

 

Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind! No need to be spiteful, but be sure of yourself, initiate NC and give him space to heal!!

[Eclipse11]

Thanks...I will probably phone back once more and just say, in a nice way, I don't think we should meet...just now, when I did it, I feel like I was quite harsh because I felt like I had to be or I would just be building up his hopes and that's what I'm feeling so guilty about - sure hope it will get easier in time...Eclipse x

[Eclipse11]

I am just worried because it was like he was in denial before and still had hope and tonight I had to shatter his hopes...I am worried about him, really hoping he will be okay...Eclipse x

 

Later - phoned up, still the same...may cancel tomorrow, I guess it's kinder to him in the long run and the thought isn't too scary...

BellaStranger thanks for your input from somebody who really understands...you're very kind, thanks

Russ978 - that empowered me more thanks...

[shessofly]

if you look around this forum enough you will see that this kind of stuff only confuses the "dumpee" and gives them false hope. i think it's best if you just cut communication with him. i understand it could be hard but for his sake i think it's best.

 

lots of people who have been dumped ask the question "why is my ex still calling me, texting me, meeting up with me?" i hope they see this thread. certainly some good insight into why it could be happening.

[learning2relax]

So until this last breakup, I had never experienced someone being so cold and displaying what I interpreted as "hate." Someone that you loved and cared about decides to break up and as a result acts this way to you just seems, to me, cruel.

 

I know from previous breakups that you can exercise compassion when severing ties to a relationship which is much more humane IMHO. If you simply explain your frustration that was evidencing itself as anger, I think you can find a way to explain that you are where you are at, you are sorry that they feel this way and are hurt by the loss but that you feel the way that you do and anything more would be leading him on. Let him know in an honest way that you care but not in the way that he wants you to or cares for you. Be considerate of what he is feeling by the decision you made, let him say his peace and then move on without contacting him. That way you have ended things with compassion and even though he will still be hurting, he is not left thinking that you hate him and has that to deal with on top of the fact that you are no longer together. You give him a chance to say his peace and are understanding about it while firm on your position. When you don't contact him or communicate with him if attempts to contact you will allow him to move through the phases and time to acceptance.

 

My two cents......

[Eclipse11]

Thank you for all your responses, I'm finding this extremely tough...

Learning2relax...I've arranged to meet him one more time in person ten days from now but still wondering whether to cancel ( I postponed our meeting tonight, couldn't bear it ) - do you think I could then give him a chance to say his peace and move on without contacting him...

I don't know...sigh - could kick myself, since I actually rang back, feeling sorry for him after cancelling and I said well, we can meet next week...Eclipse x

[Lostbutokay]

You lost attractiveness to this guy, so tell him that. Don't beat around the bush like most women do. He landed himself on the friends ladder for his beta performance. Now tell him the truth so he can move on with his life. Man the OP made me rage because I know girls like you.

[Eclipse11]

Hi Lostbutokay...your post, though its a little freaky in the last line, is actually very helpful and I think you're quite right...if I do this now, maybe by the summertime ( he loves summer ), August or something, he will have healed quite a bit and will still have a lovely summer if I do this now and just let him move on with his life...

So have to say, though I felt a bit put down that my post made you rage ( ! ) thank you very much anyway for your advice...it was extremely useful, seriously I may cut the tie with the next step so he has no choice but to move on...he deserves somebody who really loves him...Eclipse x

[Eclipse11]

Ps. the reason I lost attractiveness to him was not for lack of an "alpha performance" - it was because he treated me pretty badly throughout our relationship, right from the start really...Eclipse x

[Lostbutokay]

If that is the truth eclipse about him not treating you well then I can live with that. Just be honest with him that is all. I just wish dumpers would be more honest. In my life when I've been dumped the woman is always shady and it is ALWAYS because she wants to bang another man. So I guess I'm bitter. lol

[BellaStranger]

Eclipse... your heart is in the right place... and the problem is that doing the right thing DOES sometimes feel wrong or cruel... a break up causes both people to suffer- the dumper and the dumpee.... but you can't ease your own suffering (easing your concience by trying to 'be there for him') by increasing his (prolonging the loss and limiting the chance to heal).

 

I think you know what you need to do... and if you truly care for him now you need to do it.

[Eclipse11]

Thanks...there's no man I want to bang Lostbutokay and I don't think I'm shady...but I'll forgive you lol...

 

BellaStranger...nothing is seeming to make any difference...he sent me a text yesterday wishing me a good day and saying he had not deliberately set out to make me feel bad by telling me how much he misses me...I ignored it, now another one today stating there is no sunshine in his life without me...it's like one long neverending guilt trip...

 

My mum thinks he sees me as a soft touch and thinks he can talk me around this way...I already tried to break it off so many times but never managed before to go through with it...

 

I wish it would all stop! I haven't texted anything back in the hopes that he will get over me and move on ( but I am so tempted to text him back to help him feel better, haven't done it though )

 

I don't know what to say or do to make it better, the worst thing about this is feeling like it is impossible for me to do anything to help, I asked him not to text me this week if we were meeting on Friday, and I don't think we can do that now...Eclipse x

[coolchick64]

Personally, I think more communication is better than less. And if he wants to talk to you, you should let him. It may be important to his healing.

 

The thing that makes these situations difficult, IMO, is that the dumper decides unilaterally they're out and either has no reasons or lies. In an ideal world, both parties would be communicating openly about their problems the whole time, so that if you reached the point where it was no longer working, this at least would not come as a surprise.

 

If I were him, I'd want to be able to ask questions and get honest answers until I understood the situation. I don't think stonewalling him would be kind. Also, I don't think it's really the dumper's perogative to say I'm out and then cut contact. Sure, you can do that, but you took up this man's time and energy and love for some period of time. I think you owe it to him to explain until he gets it. Heck, you might even discover that your problems can be solved. In any case, your guilt comes from the pain you've inflicted on him and you'll feel guilty no matter what you do, unless you can help him understand.

[Convict7]

I was very tough to take time away from as well. My now ex needed time to evaluate her feelings towards me and I struggled to give it to her and pressured her to talk to me and make fast decisions. It was subconscious and I wish I hadn't done it. Eventually we didn't take time apart, we broke up. It was for the best. She doesn't know how she feels about me anymore and needs time to figure it all out. I was becoming too caught up in watching over her and no longer having fun just being together. Something was bound to snap and it did.

 

You need to sit him down and tell him that the begging and pleading is making you resent him. You need to be away from him and end the relationship for yourself and nothing he can say will fix that. The nicest thing he can do is let you alone. Honestly telling him why you no longer feel the way you used to may help too. Remember that letting it drag on is hurting him more than a clean break would. I felt awful for a lot of the time my ex and I were in limbo. Now everyday I feel much better than the last. I feel like I am free to decide who I want to be with and free to find happiness moving forward.