I feel broken-please help

[OccultFigurine]

I won't post about my ex, I've said all I have to say about him, and I will never get back with him.

 

In a nutshell, he treated me like a piece of rubbish, and while I wont let him or anyone else treat me like that ever again, I'm having real trouble with the fact that it happened at all.

 

Sometimes I think back to the way he treated me (and the way I stayed with him after all of it) and I feel physically sick....sick and ashamed.

 

I feel like it doesn't matter what I do now- I was that person-I was the person who felt like he was ashamed of me, and instead of kicking him to the curb, I stayed, hoping that wasn't the case, actually hoping I was being paranoid.And I was right all along.

 

This has really made me question my worth...not because he treated me badly, but because I let him.

 

Looking back the last five years look strangely unreal, like I was living in a kind of fantasy world, and now reality is kicking in I can't live with myself, with the person I am.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have lots of positives in my life, and I intend to carry on and do the best I can. But can I ever forgive myself?

[GenoGeno]

I'd say this is how my ex feels right now with me, I wasn't the best to her at all and she's really quite ashamed of herself for letting me be mean to her for a year. I know that is nothing on 5 years but others are going through similar things.

[LostLeo42]

Hello. I just broke up with someone after 4 years. I treated him badly, and he stayed with me for so long. He was hoping I would change and in between the really bad times there were some really good ones. I suspect it was the same for you. When you love someone you have hope that its going to get better. Don't beat yourself up over this. Forgive yourself.

[maalox]

The hardest person to forgive is always yourself, but you have to do it, even if you need a little help. It can be done.

 

I forgive myself all the time

[Nearbot]

I've been feeling the EXACT same way! It felt like nothing I did pleased him, and I kept trying. I'm furious at myself for letting it go on for so long when I should have just said, "Screw you!" as soon as it started happening. I feel you so much right now. We just wanted to feel like we were good enough for them. . .when really they weren't good enough for us. I have a really hard time trying to accept that. My mom tells me over and over that it wasn't me, but I still don't know that I'm convinced.

 

I don't think I've forgiven myself. I just don't plan on mentioning how pathetic I was to any future boyfriends I've also used it as motivation to become someone better, not for him, but for myself. I don't want this to ever happen again, and I think the more we just forget about them, the closer we come to forgiving ourselves. As time goes by, maybe we can think about how stupid we were "back then" and laugh about it

[OccultFigurine]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

Nearbot, thanks, it is really hard to accept.....although my lovely sister keeps telling me that I shouldn't feel bad because me forgiving him and loving him is a good quality in me....and I shouldn't blame myself because he took advantage of that.

 

I hope I'm on here one day and we can both chuckle about it

[SadAndy]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

although my lovely sister keeps telling me that I shouldn't feel bad because me forgiving him and loving him is a good quality in me....and I shouldn't blame myself because he took advantage of that.

 

If you are feeling anything like I am at the moment then whilst it is nice to hear, its a hollow victory. I allowed my ex to treat me with total contempt, forgave her one affair and made all of the effort with our family. End result, another long term affair and she buggers off with a new man. Lifes great for her and my reward for being a 'lovely caring guy'. nothing!

 

I feel totally worthless now. No confidence, nothing. Which is a shame as I am normally confident (not cocky) and a happy person but she has wiped that all out.

 

I am told, repeatedly, that things will all work out in the end so 'chin up' we are all in this together!

[jbrooklyn]

I can relate to each and every one of you. I let myself down by allowing my ex to drag me down as well. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

 

This ordeal lead me to a journey of self discovery. I have to know what was it about me that would let a nobody like him treat me so bad. Why would I try to love someone who I should have told to kiss my a/ a long time ago. Why didnt I understand the signs. The list goes on and on but the good news is that I am getting answers. I still cry and hurt about it but I learning more about self love. I am learning more about dealing with people. I am changing so much and I am soooooooooo glad. I will never be the same.

 

I have to be honest, I have unhealthy relationship patterns and I am working on that. I cant have good love if I keep putting up with certain behaviors in myself and others. It dont work that way.

[OccultFigurine]

Hey Jbrooklyn, thanks for your input, it really helps to hear from others who are struggling to understand how they ended up in this situation.

Can I just ask how it was you began to move on? It's early days for me I guess, and a lot of the time I feel 'okay' but then it just hits me like a wave of worthlessness If I try not to think about it and get on with things, then I'm a little better, was there anything in particular that you did to help you to work on things?

[jbrooklyn]

Hey Jbrooklyn, thanks for your input, it really helps to hear from others who are struggling to understand how they ended up in this situation.

Can I just ask how it was you began to move on? It's early days for me I guess, and a lot of the time I feel 'okay' but then it just hits me like a wave of worthlessness If I try not to think about it and get on with things, then I'm a little better, was there anything in particular that you did to help you to work on things?

 

Im still working on moving on. I still cry alot. Today I cried just a little as opposed to crying alot which I am happy about. Having the rollercoaster rides of emotions is normal. Getting out the house helps. Prayer.

 

Coming on here for directions regarding dealing with these issues you are facing helps alot. alot of us have been down the road you are traveling and can give you good direction. it is world wide on here so it all kinda plays out the same. nothing new here. we really help eachother out.

 

Im reading two books right now. One is called Mr unavailable and the fallback girl. That good is very good but it is kinda painful at times cause I get to see how I put myself in these situations with men who are not capable of loving me the way I want to be loved. I play a big part in why i cant find a good healthy relationship. It has already saved me from getting all caught up with 2 men that I would have entertained in the past that I shouldnt be hooking up with. They are unavailable in one way or another. One is moving out of his girlfriends house and he is ready to get with someone. It wont be me. The other one is considering moving on so he is trying to pull me in to be close to him...it wont be me. I want someone who has his own place, is not carrying exgf baggage, and is free to love if that is where we are heading. That is to name a few.

 

 

The other book I am reading is called Loving yourself by daphne kingma. i have to admit i really dont like reading these kind of books but I can tell you that this book shows you what actions you are taking against yourself that is pulling your self worth and esteem down. I like it for that reason.

 

When you start seeing the signs upfront, you will handle things differently and that will give you a better result. You cant fix it if you dont know what you are contributing to the issues.

 

When you are strong in your love for yourself in a healthy way, you will start to feel better about yourself and you wont tolerate certain behaviors from yourself or others. The best relationship that you can have is with yourself and then it overflows to other people and you begin to dismiss anyone who dont really have your best interest at heart. It is work but you are worth it and it will pay off. I rather learn than to keep going around doing the same thing over and over. I want to be happy that is my desire with or without a man. I do want a man tho