Should I forgive him?

[googoodollsroc]

My friend is going out with the girl that he knew I liked for ages for just over a month now. I still feel quite mad at him but I miss the friendship I had with him but I don't see it being the same even if I do make up with him, for instance if I hang around with him then she's gonna be with him. I admit I'm mostly over her but everytime I see her all these feelings keep on rushing back.

 

Ever since I found out about those two I've been having constant digs at him (So has he) but I think I had the worst one when I got our band a real primetime slot at the biggest music festival county and I kicked him out and replaced him and he found out when I sent round Facebook messages on the band page saying we're playing this gig.

 

So yeah, what do you guys think?

[misssmithviii]

Whereas I think it's a bit hurtful for your friend to go out with someone you like, holding it against them isn't exactly rational It's like holding it against her that she didn't date you, and holding it against him for being attracted to her. If he did it solely because you liked her, it'd be a matter of jealousy on his part - but if he started dating her because he genuinely likes her, then it's a matter of jealousy on your part.

 

I'm sorry you didn't get the girl, but just be thankful she's not hopping around the group of friends

[Celestialagape54]

Is he interested in maintaining your friendship alive?

[Maveric]

What makes you think that your friend has no right to go out with someone you like? I could understand if you were angry with him for stealing the girl you were dating or something along those lines but just because you like someone doesn't mean other people are off limits to date them. Clearly she prefers to be with your friend in a romantic way, so be it. If they are happy together then you should be happy for them and find someone else to date. I would definitely not cut off a friendship on those terms.

[googoodollsroc]

Is he interested in maintaining your friendship alive?

 

Well I talked to him about it and he said "I don't care if you forgive me or not" that's when I started having digs at him but it turned he was saying stuff about me just after they started going out.

[googoodollsroc]

What makes you think that your friend has no right to go out with someone you like? I could understand if you were angry with him for stealing the girl you were dating or something along those lines but just because you like someone doesn't mean other people are off limits to date them. Clearly she prefers to be with your friend in a romantic way, so be it. If they are happy together then you should be happy for them and find someone else to date. I would definitely not cut off a friendship on those terms.

 

Well the fact I had to find out through Facebook, he didn't even text me to tell me they we're going out. I would of been fine with it if he told me before hand but he didn't.

[misssmithviii]

If you don't want to be his friend then don't but if anybody's making a bigger deal out of this than it is, I must respectfully say it's you

[Celestialagape54]

Well he seems uninterested in maintaining the friendship with the comment that he said to you. Are you looking to make up with him or are you asking if you should forgive him just for the sake of forgiving him?

[googoodollsroc]

Well he seems uninterested in maintaining the friendship with the comment that he said to you. Are you looking to make up with him or are you asking if you should forgive him just for the sake of forgiving him?

 

Well I was gonna forgive him but he said that and it just made me more annoyed.

[googoodollsroc]

If you don't want to be his friend then don't but if anybody's making a bigger deal out of this than it is, I must respectfully say it's you

 

I put in my original post that I missed the friendship.

[Celestialagape54]

I think that you should forgive him for your own sake, what good is it to be holding on to a grudge. I am sure all it is doing is making you feel miserable. I hope I don't come off as mean but the thing is that he is entitled to date whoever he wants. I know you had feelings for this girl, but she chose him. Sometimes when it comes to matters of the heart we win some and we lose some. I know you might be hurt but imagine how he feels. I know that perhaps he should have told you in person but maybe he did not want to hurt you. Don't forget that no matter what if you are truly his friend you should be happy for him that he is happy.

[misssmithviii]

The point I was trying to make is that I think the friendship has been compromised mostly because of you because really, you should be happy that he's happy. It's not like your name was stamped on her forehead or you two were dating, and he swept in from above and stole her.

 

If you cannot accept this and not hold it against him, then the friendship is waning thin and it doesn't sound like you want to truly be his friend anymore if you're holding this against him.

 

There are many other girls in the world

[googoodollsroc]

The point I was trying to make is that I think the friendship has been compromised mostly because of you because really, you should be happy that he's happy. It's not like your name was stamped on her forehead or you two were dating, and he swept in from above and stole her.

 

If you cannot accept this and not hold it against him, then the friendship is waning thin and it doesn't sound like you want to truly be his friend anymore if you're holding this against him.

 

There are many other girls in the world

 

Maybe you're right. Thinking of it now, he back stabs quite alot of people and he back stabbed me in one of the worst ways possible so maybe I'm right in not forgiving him. To be honest who wants to be friends with somone who back stabs you and insults your friends (he even insults her friends).

 

Yeah I've pretty much come to see that now =]

[misssmithviii]

Well I guess I don't know the history of this friend you have - but he isn't stabbing your back by dating her, IMO. Like I said before, he's not betraying you unless he's doing vindictively, unless he's doing it specifically to hurt you and you KNOW that i.e. he told you so.

 

Otherwise, if he's dating her because he genuinely has feelings for her, then you're making this out to be more than it is and holding something against him wrongfully.

 

If he is a badmouth and is disrespectful whatever etc etc then that's exactly what I meant by saying "If you don't want to be friends with him then don't."

[googoodollsroc]

Personally I think it is counted as back stabbing and so do other people that know about it.

[misssmithviii]

Well you're entitled to feel that way, and he's entitled to date the chick

 

Bottom line, you can't change how two other people feel, and to get this irritated over jealousy and to break a friendship over it is not his fault. Is he supposed to not follow his heart just because you say so? Is she supposed to avoid anyone who happens to be your friend simply because you have a crush on her? Doesn't seem fair at all. I know it sucks, but you win some you lose some. To blame the man she chose over you whether it's your friend or not is your own problem, not his.

 

Once again, this is under the pretense that he genuinely likes her and you and the chick were never together. Just liking a girl doesn't mean she's off-limits, you only have a crush on her and you're treating that as if she's taken.

[DanDee]

Just liking a girl doesn't mean she's off-limits, you only have a crush on her and you're treating that as if she's taken.

 

I've spoken to the OP quite a lot about this girl in PM's. I think it's fair to say that the way he felt about this girl was much deeper than a crush.

 

But, I really don't think the girl is to blame here and neither is your friend. He just felt the same way as you and couldn't hold it in for the sake of your feelings.

 

Yes it sucks that this has happened, but it has and you just need to deal with it in the best way you can. If you miss your friend, contact him. If you feel betrayed, don't. There's no one who's in the wrong and no one who's in the right. Just do what makes you happy. But if you and your friend had a great friendship beforehand then it would be a shame to ruin it because of this girl.

 

The chance of it lasting very long are slim anyway. She'll probably be out of yours and his life in a few months or years anyway.

[Sally300]

Op: I had the same thing happen to me as well. Well except I'm a girl and I liked the guy but my friend took the guy. For me I was mad at her as well. I feel the same way like its backstabbbing in the back. I know for one I woudln't do that to a friend. Yeah you can't make someone love you but I think the way the friend handle's everything makes the differnce. My friend felt all weird about going out with the guy. I wonder why because maybe she felt guilty. I'm just saying I know how you feel. But anyways *huggals*

[DanDee]

^^ Yeah I agree, the way your friend handled it was insensitive.

[geekgirl4]

If your friend liked the girl (and not because he wanted to hurt you), then all's fair in love and war. But, I do disagree with how the friend handled it. If he knows you're interested and it's obvious you're interested, the honorable thing to do is at least let you know. I think it's a bit cowardly to pull the rug from under you like this by sneaking around behind you. I would expect this and not think much of it if it was some random person I don't know. But he was a friend. I believe there are different standards when it comes to friends.

 

As it is, only you can decide whether to keep the friendship or not. If you're unable to let go of the anger and jealousy, then it would be healthier to drop the friendship. In time you will feel better over the whole thing. Up to you.

[bexcelant]

Dude, why aren't you mad at the girl? She's equally at fault in this and she knows you like her. This just happened to me too and I'll just say that now I am pissed off at both of them. One for her not telling me as a courtesy and for him to not tell me either. Secondly for the way I found out which was they were both feeling each other up. Third for throwing me under the bus by telling something confidential I told her never to say.

 

I'm going to say this much. Wrong or right who cares. All the posters above are too focused on what's the right protocol. What matters is how do you feel. If you are angry, depressed, feeling betrayed etc don't focus on the why or why not it's justified. It just is. Work the anger out of your system. Talk to them and tell them how you feel. If you can't do that, just stay away from both of them until the feelings subside. When you are ready you can talk to them or not...but I"m telling you. In this situation, you will have to redefine the friendships. Properly distance yourself because you can't continue to have feelings for this girl and have the same type of friendship you had with the guy. At least not for now. You can keep the friendships and in time, perhaps it'll go back to normal but I don't think you'll be able to for a long long time.