I don't know how to explain myself any clearer to him...

[Nixee]

My relationship is still pretty new. Well.. its going on between 4-5 months dating, but for me that feels very new since it hasn't been too long since we even discussed exclusivity, and I move slow in general.

 

Yet we seem to argue a lot, and it worries me.

 

I was very honest with him from early on about my need to go slow - I felt like it was the right thing to do. I told him that I don't develop feelings easy... that in the past I have pushed people away if they try to move to fast or if I'm uncomfortable... and that I just need to go slow and take it easy. I told him that naturally this worries me, and I never want to hurt anyone... but it is just who I am... that I've had a rough past, but I'm trying to move on to a better future the only way I can - cautiously, one step at a time.

 

He seems to understand, and we have a great time together usually. We are very compatible, and he treats me well. He is very giving, and he is... well... crazy about me.

 

But... the fact that he is crazy about me has become a problem. Now he over-analyzes EVERYTHING. We can spend a great day or evening together, and things will seem fine... yet the next day he may start texting me asking if things are ok... convinced they aren't, just out of the blue. It is like he is paranoid that I am going to push him away and break it off.

 

Countless times now he's said things similar to "if you don't want to be with me or aren't as excited about this as I am, just leave me..." or "don't hurt me... I won't hurt you.. but don't hurt me"

 

And it is true... I'm NOT at the same level of infatuation as him... and he knows it, and I understand that it hurts. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for him and don't want to be with him, because I do. I like him quite a lot and don't want to lose him.

 

I've tried over and over and over to explain this to him calmly and rationally, but nothing seems to work permanently.

 

Help? Any tips?

 

Yesterday's conflict was over the fact that I keep my status hidden on facebook and didn't care to update it to "in a relationship". I tried to explain that it was for personal/privacy reasons (I don't advertise when I'm single either), but he still took it as me wanting to have a "secret" relationship with him only. I feel no matter what I do I am wounding his ego and hurting his feelings by not making him feel loved enough. Yet all the while I feel he doesn't understand or empathize with me... he is just love-hungry.

[In the Dark]

It appears that your behavior is getting to him as he would like to see you show exclusivity.

 

I'd say he feels temporary.

 

Something as simple as changing your status to in a relationship on facebook would comfort him I am sure.

 

I have a feeling your past is affect this relationship.

 

BOTH of you will have to compromise.

 

You need to show some exclusivity and he needs to understand what you went through in detail as to why you are the way you are in a relationship.

[Nixee]

It appears that your behavior is getting to him as he would like to see you show exclusivity.

 

I'd say he feels temporary.

 

Something as simple as changing your status to in a relationship on facebook would comfort him I am sure.

 

I have a feeling your past is affect this relationship.

 

BOTH of you will have to compromise.

 

You need to show some exclusivity and he needs to understand what you went through in detail as to why you are the way you are in a relationship.

 

Thank you...

 

I definitely agree that my past affects me... and I am trying to ... I don't know.. communicate that to him? But I also know he is sensitive and I don't want to just hurt him more by talking about it.

 

Sometimes he seems very receptive and will talk openly... but then a day later I can tell he sat and stewed and worried over things said.

 

I actually did make a step last night with the FB thing. After talking about it ... even though it makes me feel uncomfortable... I went ahead and changed my status. But when I told him I did it, then HE said he didn't want me to do it because he knew it made me uncomfortable and he said "no... not like this.. I don't want to bully you into it...."

 

So I get confused.

 

I know he wants .. MORE from me. And I do want to give it... but I don't want to be pressured into it you know? And it is hard because I can't just MAKE myself move faster. I am trying...

 

I guess I'll continue to talk to him, and try to compromise. It gets tiring.

[DaBladeRoden]

You have to remember that he is not your past.

[Nixee]

I know... I know he isn't my past.

 

But my past affects me. Doesn't mean I want to live in my past... or be with anyone from my past. But... .... burn your hand on a stove... maybe not so quick to touch that stove again, ya know? I just feel like I'm on a learning curve or something... a re-learning curve? I know a lot about love from what I've been through.... but the downside is that I can't just dive in headfirst like he seems willing to. (he hasn't been in love before, even though he's had relationships before)

[livinginsbi]

But.. you also need to remember that he is not the one that has harmed you in the past, so he should not have to pay for what happened in your past.

 

I know, we learn from our past, as we should. It was hard for me too. My ex was very controlling and he did certain things or said certain things that showed that control. It took awhile for me to get over that. When my bf says the same words that my ex used to say, I have to remember he doesn't mean them in the same way.

 

It's good to be aware... but not wary.