So confused, difficult situation.

[thlocke]

Well it has been awhile since I've posted for help on here. Most often i post something and then people tell me what I think is the wrong answer, but I ignore it because I listen to only what I want to hear. However, after looking back on everything, people on here are often right and I make the wrong decision.

 

That being said, I am in a very difficult situation. Partly because this is my first major long-term relationship, but also because it is a long-distance relationship. Can't be much worse.

 

Anyways, my current girlfriend of 6 months has been living in a different country since January. It was a difficult decision to make, partly because we didn't know each other that well, but we thought we should try it long distance. It was hard at first, but eventually I was able to visit her. We talked every day up until then on Skype, many times for hours and hours. I always looked forward to talking to her and she was always excited to see me.

 

However, when I visited her things got kind of strange. It seemed like she wasn't interested in me anymore and told me that she didn't love me as much. It was a difficult situation in that since it was such a short time that I was there, I tried to make everything perfect. Obviously this was impossible and there was just too much pressure.

 

Eventually I leave and she says she still wants to see me again in the summer. Again, the week or so after I left it was very difficult on me as I missed her so much. I then found out that she thinks coming there again is too much of a commitment and that she is having second thoughts. So I spend the next few days trying to talk her back into the idea.

 

I then realized why exactly am I trying to convince her to spend time with me. If she does not want me to come there, then why should I be making all the effort? So I finally started using some good judgement and basically went no contact for a few days.

 

During that time she called me repeatedly saying how lonely she was and that she thought about it and she really wanted me to come. When we started talking again everything was great. However, I can't help but feel that once I return to my own ways of talking to her all the time and being sweet and nice that she will soon lose interest in me.

 

So my problem is that I want to have some control in this relationship. Before I pretty much depended on her and would do anything for her. I realized that I need to stop being so available and stop letting her just walk all over me. It's just so hard for me to be mean and ignore her or tell her that something she is doing is making me mad. She just looks so sad and I always end up feeling like an * * * * * * * and that I'm doing more harm than good.

 

To add to that, I am moving to a new place after the summer so when she comes back she will have to decide whether or not she wants to join me. It's hard to make that decision when I will hardly get to see her until then.

 

So in summary, help?

[misssmithviii]

What hit me as the most important thing to notice here was her lack of true care for you, and admittance of loss of interest in you. She sounds like she's just enjoying walking all over you, then when you stepped up and showed her she couldn't, she panicked and basically said "no! come back here so I can push you down, manipulate and control you!"

 

If you wish to work things out with her, you need to SET YOUR BOUNDARIES, SET YOUR EXPECTATIONS and when she over-steps those boundaries, you need to not let her get away with it.

Tell her how she's making you feel and how unhappy you are.

 

What will make or break your happiness in the relationship lies in her response to you once you open this up.

If she's unwillingly to change or help the situation, I'm sorry but I don't think it'll go over well.

If she's going to try her best, then there's hope!

 

On that note, does she know how you feel?

[thlocke]

Thanks for the advice. Yes I feel the same way, she told me she loved me when she realized how she felt when I wasn't there for her. However, I don't think she is manipulating me. But if she was, I wouldn't know.

 

I'm not really unhappy, I'm more just uncertain about our future. I want to stand up for myself and set some boundaries, but how can I?

[Maya_A]

In light of what she's said to you twice, once about not feeling the same about you, and secondly, not wanting the level of commitment of an already planned visit...

 

....On top of her coming running back when you withdrew, saying she was so lonely...

 

I think she is just plain lonely and is keeping you around as a safety person so she does not have to feel the loneliness that seems to give her very much anxiety.

 

If she meets someone else there, I have a feeling she'd brush you aside pretty quickly...

 

I hope I'm mistaken but these are my thoughts on it...

 

Take care

[Puddincup]

Thanks for the advice. Yes I feel the same way, she told me she loved me when she realized how she felt when I wasn't there for her. However, I don't think she is manipulating me. But if she was, I wouldn't know.

 

I'm not really unhappy, I'm more just uncertain about our future. I want to stand up for myself and set some boundaries, but how can I?

 

It sounds like basic human psychology to me. She wants you more when she thinks you are not so available. She's not doing this in a direct manipulating way. She probably doesn't even know it. Like I said, this is normal human behavior. If being less available to her doesn't feel right to you, then be yourself and let the chips fall where they may. At least you can understand her actions and make changes to your own behavior (if you want) to pull her closer.

[misssmithviii]

Setting boundaries is simple. You tell her (in a constructive convo) that you aren't feeling appreciated and your thoughts of the future you two share is greatly impacted by the way she has been treating you so distant lately. You not only say these things, telling her you won't stick around for it - you stand by your word and do not let her keep getting away with this.

 

I agree with what everyone else has posted - she very well could just brush you aside if she met someone special there. She does seek to only care about your attention when you almost threaten to take it away - it may be basic human psychology but it's messed up nonetheless. I know if my man or I treated eachother that way we wouldn't work out.

 

This of course... all IMHO