Need dired help about a Love one

[Oiram1]

Hey guys,

 

Hopefully I can get a bit of information from you. I'm going to try to explain the whole situation and maybe if you can throw some pointers or Opinions expressed I would greatly appreciate it.

I started getting involved with a lady about a year ago that I met through my workplace. (bartender). She wasn't an employee there, and I never saw her until one specific night. Usually I don't call back a day later, but for some reason I did. I called her and we set a "date" to get together and have a few drinks. We did, we had a blast, and we were together almost everyday after that for months. She was such an interesting person. I believe that's what attracted me to her, even before her looks. (she was beautiful) Anyhow, as I said, we were together at the hip for months, always together. it was kind of like the Sonny and Cher thing. when my name was mentioned, her name was mentioned right after. We were happy, always making love, partying with friends going on small road trips. I met a lot of good people through her. I fell madly in love. She would bring me breakfast in the morning even though I worked at a restaurant that served breakfast. brought me lunch at my other job. She would support my decisions, she would help me with moral support when times were bad, and She was always there for me. She is what men call the ideal girlfriend. Beautiful, attractive, personally and physically, happy all the time, spoke highly of me and always willing to please me at a drop of the hat. (and I mean anytime) Months went by, I wanted to spend more and more time with her. I think/know that's where I made my mistake.

Unfortunately I believe I messed up. But on the other hand im not to sure I should trust myself with that thought. I never cheated so if that's the first thing that comes to your mind, sorry it's wrong. But what I did was probably just as bad and I don't know how to correct it now. this is where I need help.

I started getting emotionally over attached. I wanted her with me all day everyday. She had X-boyfriends that I didn't like from stories that she told me, as well as friends that I didn't like that I knew from high school years ago that caused me trouble. We argued a lot all of a sudden about her X-boyfriends and old friends that I didn't want her with. I acted very young, and very confused I guess you can say when these people where brought up. There was Preferably a certain one that she was with for many years, that she would go and visit with, and I wasn't invited. She told me that it wouldn't be right for her to bring me along. although I still to this day think that she should have brought me along, I don't believe I should of reacted the way I did every time she talked or spoke of him. As I realize now it was pure jealousy, which I had a bad reaction to.. I also would argue at the drop of the hat about other "friends" that she had, that got her mixed up in drugs years before me. She wasn't on them when I was with her, but occasionally she would mention them and it would just annoy me. The arguments would get so harsh, and so loud. Also, we would argue on the phone, and I never kept an open mind of things. I always had to be right. It was my way or no way. I knew sometimes I was wrong. but never the less, I did it anyhow. We became very distant. she would sleep on the total opposite side of the bed, avoid me when we were up. She didn't do the things that she once did. I was being an idiot when I would say to myself, what's going on with this situation. I couldn't figure out why she was acting this way.

The reactions I had were not "ME". I don't know why I reacted this way to this certain girl, but I did, and now I know that I was 100% wrong. I have finally come to that conclusion. Every woman I have been in involved with since her has had friendly ex-boyfriends and friendly guy friends. I am a very cool and calm person, very lax. Sometimes she would egg me on with unethical comments, sometimes before I came up with one, sometimes after. But then she would try to calm the situation down and apologize, and I would get even more upset.

One day she showed up at my work. I honestly though that she was bringing me breakfast. She came up to me and told me she is moving out. I asked her "why?" I now rip myself apart for this. it was probably the worst move to make. Acting the way I did, and being idiotic enough to not understand why she was doing this. This girl was my dream girl. and I know that now. She wanted to move out, and spend time with herself. I counter acted the only way I never new I could. I promptly threw accusations of spending time with another man, wanting to be with her ex-boyfriend, things that I have thrown at her in the past. She wanted to still have a relationship just not as "exclusive". She moved out that day, called me that night and wanted to go out. So I did, I should have never went. I believe that if I didn't go, it wouldn't be 6 months since I talked to her. We went out, had a blast, and I got wasted drunk. We ended up at a bar that a mutual friend works at. One of her ex's works there and she struck up a conversation with him, left me at the bar by myself and didn't come back for almost 15 minutes. Usually this wouldn't bother me, but I knew no one. not a soul. other then my friend, and he was busy working. She came back and the argument started that I instigated, I went completely postal she called me names, I fired back more and more. it was a total and udder wreck. I was pissed because she didn't offer to introduce me to him and bring him over to meet me. That's the last time I was with her. that was 6 months ago. we talked a few times, she showed up at my bar with my roommates, I threw her out, she showed up at my bar with her best friend, and I threw her out again. I told her that the only thing she had going for her was her looks.

All these things I am saying that I did and how wrong they are, are things that I now realize, and wish I could go back to them and fix. I know my wrongs, but I still don't realize why did them. those actions aren't what I consider myself. They never were. I am not a bad person like that. I am good hearted, and a gentleman when it comes to women. I have dated after her, and never treated people like that. I realize now I lost probably the best thing I will ever have in my life, my possible "soul mate". And I want her back more then anything.

My Big Problem is, how do I confront her again? How do I apologize to her? I haven't spoke to her in Months, other then throwing her out of the bar. I want her to realize that I am not the person that I put myself to be, I was going through a lot of personal problems that she knew about at the time. And maybe I was stress out. I don't know. I just know deep down that that's not me. I love people, I don't hate them. I acted like I hated her for months after we broke up. but now I come to the conclusion that I was wrong. very very wrong. I have realized that Girls have guy friends, and that I should have trusted her, instead of being protective as I was. I realize that she loved me very very much. She came home to me, not went home with them, and I didn't think of that then. she was my Heart, and I was hers. and I lost it over actions that I can't explain, other then knowing that they are very wrong. How can I approach her and tell her that I am so sorry and so ashamed of my immature actions?.. Write a letter explaining my thoughts?...approach her next time I see her out. Show up on her front porch and tell her I love her and that I know my mistakes. How???? Please help

[xxatti]

I really want to help you out, but that is a hell of a lot to read. Perhaps I can get the cliff note version.

[xxatti]

Ok, It's hard to give you advice on this situation because I cant get a feeling on how she really feels about you based on what you wrote. That whole book was about you, you, you, and what YOU did or didnt do wrong. You did say she came to your work a few times after the fact. What happened before you threw her out?

 

From what I did get out of this, there was a trust problem in the relationship. That alone is enough to doom any relationship. I almost get the impression that you two might not be as right for each other as you might think.

[Oiram1]

I was waiting for the comment about me me me....lol.. Many people have told me that it sounds like we both were bad for each other. But i guess they dont know how i was on a personal level between us

We were very happy together, She loved me very much and told me that many times. wrote me small love letters that told me she is so happy we were together,you know.... little kids stuff. she would also talk about her Ex alot too. its strange, thats kinda why i would get mad, just the wrong reaction too it. Yes there was trust issue involved... i didnt trust her to the point with her Ex. She would also egg me on sometimes in regards to a EX i barely keep contact with, but also talk with Ex's father almost on a daily basis, and she didnt like that,,,always threw up to me that she wouldnt stop talking to the ex until i stop talking to my Ex's father. didnt make much sense to me. why stop talking to him, i never slept with him, she slept with her Ex though...See where im going with this??? That was the basic trust issue...i didnt like him, she didnt like Ex's father.

[Oiram1]

Nothing happened before i threw her out other then me not wanting her there to begin with, i asked her very nicely not to show up at my workplace. it would be rude. proceded to show up twice, once with a old roomate (notice i said old roomate) and once with her best friend.

[Oiram1]

Nothing happened before i threw her out other then me not wanting her there to begin with, i asked her very nicely not to show up at my workplace. it would be rude. proceded to show up twice, once with a old roomate (notice i said old roomate) and once with her best friend. I didnt make a big deal when i threw her out, jsut had one other bar tender tell her that she wasnt welcome here, and that she had to leave

[xxatti]

Still, what has she done to make you believe that she still has feelings for you? That's what I've been trying to figure out, cause I couldnt get it from your post. Is she pissed about what happened when she came to visit you? If not, try to hang out with her and see if you can get a reading off her. Once you know where she stands, then you'll know what move you need to make.

[xxatti]

So why not just talk to her when you see her. Build the rappor again so you can get a reading off her.

[Oiram1]

I honestly dont have a answer for that, other then that im afraid i will get laughed at. Or told "I told you that you would never find a girl like me again" That was somthing that she said to me the night i last saw her. And its kinda funny, i havent. Hey mabye she thinks about me all the time as i think about her....just wish i knew it was mutual before hand... Cant have everything though... Think mabye i should send a card?...I see her mabye once every 2 months, so talking to her in person would have to wait long time.mabye call her on her phone?...ask if she wants to go out for lunch?....Ideas are coming. not to sure if they will work

[xxatti]

Like I said, just make it a friendly thing. All you want to do right now is feel out the situation. You dont need to spill your guts to her or make a move right now. All you want to do is find out where she stands.

 

I would probably call her up and just see if she wants to hang out. Don't make it a big thing. Lunch just seems kinda awkward considering the circumstances.

[DopeStar]

ok this is a pretty tricky situation, i would say. I am in the same situation as you, well not as far into the breakup but same general problem. You messed up big time though and now that it has been months since youve talked to her you have a lot of work to do and you cant let her know your working hard. You say she looks at you when you see her out, hesitates and then walks away? Sounds like she may miss you, if i saw an ex i didnt want to talk to out i wouldnt hesitate to walk away. she probly thinks you hate her, you did have her removed from your bar twice. Youve got two options at this point to start trying to get her back. one: you can call her, ask her how she is doing. tell her you jsut wanted to say hi and that everytime you see her out you never get the chance to talk to her. OR two: you can wait till you see her out and do everything you can to talk to her before she runs off. dont run screamin through the mall to get her attention by try to catch her before she can get away. in all actuality I would have to say you screwed yourself. you may have a chance if you play your cards right and can forgive whatever she has done while she was without you. You have to remain calm and try to hang out with her as friends right now. let her bring up the relationship and then try to avoid talking about it, unless she really wants too. DO NOT run up to her and start apologizing, she will bug out and think less of you. I would say that after this much time apart you have to approach the situation as a new relationship. Youve got the upper hand at the moment though because you already have her number and know quite a bit about her. jsut be yoruself liek you were in the beggining, dont act needy, dont be mean and dont be pathetic and start begging. call her up one day that your busy and have plans with your friends and just start talking about life with her for a minute, invite her out for a cup of coffee to talk to her and catch up on thing but let her know that you have other plans later, tell her you just wanted to say hi and see how things are and that if she would like to hang out for a few minutes before you head out (this will make it low pressure for both of you, but make sure that you have alteast 30 minutes to sit there with her), depending on how things are going either leave or hang out longer. youve got a lot of work to do though, like ive said, jsut make sure that you are not pressuring her. if she says no not today wait atleast a week before you call her up again, for almost exactly the same reason. once you make contact you are going to have to remain calm dont get to excited and dont pressure her at all. she left you for that very reason. here is the part that isnt going ot be easy for you, she may not want you back, is this something you can deal with? can stand there and listen to her tell you this to your face? are you ready for that, it is a very big possibility that that may happen. she may have another man too, do you think you could her those words come of her mouth? this is not going ot be easy and you have got to stay focused the whole time. do not let your mind wander try to to remain calm and do not come accross as needy or nervous or jealous.

 

I dont know if this will make any sense right now, i have had a rough day with my ex(shes in the hospital). if you dont understand let me know ill try to explain it a bit better. good luck to you and if you need more advice PM me ill help however i can.

[DopeStar]

I forgot to ask; what brought on this sudden change of heart for you? after a few months you now want her back? or have you been thinking about how to get her back for a while now? you did have her removed from your bar TWICE so im guessing at one point you didnt want her around, am i right? so explain why you need her back so badly right now, what changed?

 

I should have posted this before my other post but it ended up after.

[Ingrid]

I suggest you just write to her and explain the whole thing. If she still loves you she will come back to you. However, you should learn to control yourself, otherwise you will lose her again.