low sex drive

[4ever2gether]

I have been with my partner for three years. Everything in our relationship is perfect with us. We are very open about things and we also just love each other to the fullest. There is only one thing that seems to lack in this relationship which is the intimacy. My girlfriend has a very very low sex drive. There are times where we have sex once or twice a month, and other times we can go without sex for a month and a half. She was molested when she was younger, and has gone through therapy. I have asked her why she can go without sex for so long. She finally told me that because she had been cheated on with her first and second husband that she is afraid to “let me in” because she is afraid I will hurt her. But she doesn’t see how this is ok because she says I am in 110% and how she wants me to be forever. I am starting to get to the point where I feel like I am the problem. I don’t expect to have sex with her every single day or week, but I would like at least 3 times a month. Does anyone out there have any advice? I am getting rather frustrated.

[eggplant47]

I hate to say it but I think for a lot of long term couples going through a month or more without sex isn't that unusual. People's sex drives very greatly. True, for your girlfriend things are complicated by an unfortunate sexual history but this also could just be the norm for her. I know my husband would be down for sex probably twice as often as we actually have it!

 

You could talk with her about what makes your sex life fufilled but try to stay away from actual #'s... you don't want to sound like you're giving her a quota!

 

And above all, try not to get too frustrated with her, she is dealing with some pretty heavy childhood stuff.

[babii doll]

3yrs together and her reason is that shes afraid to let you in? doesnt make sense to me. i think after this amount of time she wouldve let her guard down.. or maybe not given her history.

 

and if youre ok with 3times a month id say your sex drive is pretty low too. and for the person who said this is the norm for longterm cpls, definitely not in my case. maybe u two could benefit from some cpls counseling.

 

i wonder if she had the same issue with sex with her past marriages.

[sidehop]

I think they are separate issues with her intimacy and her wanting you in her life. Is she still going through therapy? I'm sure she's very guarded when it comes to sex, not only her past being cheated on but I feel there's more to her reasoning she may not fully understand even herself.

[XxJustMexX]

Depression causes a low sex drive... is it possible she's depressed? She may also have low self esteem... that's another cause for someone to have a low drive too... I also notice you're a female... so I'm assuming you're both gay, correct? How long has she been out? I have a few gay friends who aren't that comfortable with their sexuality yet... Even though they know they're attracted to the same sex, they feel "uncomfortable" and not fully into the sex yet... I see you've been together for a while though so this shouldn't be the issue...

[eggplant47]

3yrs together and her reason is that shes afraid to let you in? doesnt make sense to me. i think after this amount of time she wouldve let her guard down.. or maybe not given her history.

 

and if youre ok with 3times a month id say your sex drive is pretty low too. and for the person who said this is the norm for longterm cpls, definitely not in my case. maybe u two could benefit from some cpls counseling.

 

i wonder if she had the same issue with sex with her past marriages.

 

I didn't say all couples but there are certainly many couples out there where the flame has died down a bit or their sex drives were never very high. This may be normal for her particular partner.