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How doing something bad can help you


mr me

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I know i shouldnt be on the computer as much as I am but I cant seem to deal with my life right now without an escape. Its just sometimes it gets so bad that my mind rather be on the computer then doing other things I should be doing. I cant seem to deal with things without something like this happening. I cant just deal with things straight on and I dont know what to think about that.

 

Its like should i keep doing it until it gets really bad but sometimes its not easy to control just how bad it gets. I really dont know what to do because honestly I dont think there is anything i can do different. I usually just have to deal with how bad things get until i can deal with them. I just have so many issues that are so hard for me to deal with that i just dont deal with them. Im overwhelmed in every way possible.

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I feel so * * * * ing worthless right now and i dont even get it. Ive tried thru everything that ive been thru to find a way not to be suicidal right now. I just dont know if you keep trying to find a way to not kill yourself if your ever going to be able to find a way to live with things the way they are. I really just dont know what to believe anymore. I try to believe in God but I dont see what that has done to help me at all. It puzzles me like crazy how people can have such miserable lives and still believe in God.

 

I just feel like the only thing i can do now is do what i did before without knowing it and thats live in my own world. The world around me is so miserable it just disgusting to me. Ive always had to live around people who arent like me and now i see in this world there arent many people like me. I dont think do any drugs or find myself doing anything that negative besides some of my really messed up demons. Its just before all of this i was almost like a clean cut person and now I dont know what to do. I cant go back to being the way i was because I dont see that working with the way things are now.

 

I know most people dont like rants but I dont really see the problem if its helping that person. I also dont know if this makes any sense but alll i can do is try to find a way to help myself right now. I really wish I could just scream out everything thats bothering me but I cant so idk what else to do. I just know i feel so hopeless right now.

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I really just wish someone else could live my life for me because I have no idea how to deal with all of this. Its like im alone having to deal with everything which is impossible to do. I have to keep doing the impossible and just see its impossible. Ive just never felt like this where i cant think of one thing to make me not feel suicidal. I then end up looking like a negative depressed person who just has it even harder to deal with their life and meet people. Its just the sad thing is I am that person and I dont know if ill ever be anything different because of how bad things are.

 

I dont know when things are supposed to turn around because I cant keep on just dragging myself thru my miserable life forever. I really just dont get what else I can even do or if im just doomed to live like this forever. Its like even if i let this out or just hold this all in its just going to mess up my life even more then it already is. I never would of thought my life would end up like this but you can just see how bad my life was going to be if anyone was able to see the way i see it now. I know i cant keep on feeling like this forever because no one can just keep finding ways to keep picking themselves up with all this going on. I just really hope in this sick joke that is my life that somehow im supposed to get over this.

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