I give up

[Tears of Ice]

As I already said in an earlier thread, my sister found out that I cut. She really couldn't handle the situation, and I don't blame her since it's really much to cope with and understand.

 

But that's not the point right now... Everyone is telling me what a bright personality I have and that I'm so happy. but no one realizes how i actually feel. I've been very close to confiding in my friend once about my cutting, but I ended up not telling her.

 

My mom screamed at me again. She wants me to be like my older sister, who is the perfect daughter. But I just can't be like her. As soon as I am my self and I don't act like my sister, my mom asks me: "Whats wrong with you?!" or "stop behaving like this, that's not you!"

 

I've been thinking about suicide a lot recently. I usually lock my door and open the window. Then I sit outside of the window on the tiny ledge, but in the end i only cut myself more...

 

I really don't know what to do... I give up....I don't really want to live like this, but after i managed not cutting for about 1 week (yay! ^_^) I started again.

[Niinjaa]

I'm *so* sorry for you having to go through this. I've never cut, but I've come close, and I deal with a mother like that as well--never good enough, etc. I know you may not want professional help, but I would recommend at least telling your friend--if she's a true friend, she'll help you get through it, and won't just leave you. I'm not going to lecture you on how you shouldn't cut yourself, because I'm sure you already know that. But I just want you to know that we're here for you, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here. *hugs*

[To_b_ornot2_b_]

Happiness and depression are like two sides of a dime. The in between is thin and it flips easily.

 

You gotta work on yourself and doing what makes you happy. Everyone else doesn't mean anything.

 

It's easier said than done.. Meditation helps.. Not listening to the voice in your head helps a lot too.

[No One]

You can only be your self; you cannot be someone else.

At least you seem to appreciate this. Are you good enough for your self? Mom may think that you live and breath on her approval, but, you can live with or without it.

 

 

Anyway...if I may ask, WHAT is it that hurts you so?

[Tears of Ice]

What is it that hurts me?... that's a good question.

Sometimes I'm not sure myself what makes me feel this way. But mostly it actually is my family that makes me sad and that hurts me. I want them to see who I am and to appreciate me I think, or at least that my mom stops yelling at me constantly.

 

If I may ask, how did your parents react when they found out that you self injure? And what makes you self injure?

[No One]

perhaps they r caught-up in their own image of u, not of u? they think that they know u so well, that they lose sight of the real, and the fact that everyone changes over time.

If only they could listen to the fact that, perhaps, you've changed and aren't the exact same you as years ago!

[Cal Lily]

Hello Tears of Ice. First off, there is no need to explain yourself to anyone in your family. You know what is best for you. I can already see how your parents taught you how to prosecute you, and your mother continues. Do you honestly think they can understand, listen, or help you? No. They can't. If you want to contact me, feel free. I am going through the same crap....

[krock]

I give you credit for at least coming clean. I have been a cutter since I was 12 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD right before my 9th birthday and have struggled with the urge for as long as I can remember.

 

To date, I have told 1 person (other than therapists) about my problem. I fear the judgement and the rejection from outsiders who don't understand the urge and the release SI provides. I have been 'clear' for 2 years now (and 3 years before that) and the urge is still present each and every day.

[Lost1n7heDark]

I can certainly understand what it's like to have parents who try so desperately to control who you are.

 

What you must realize is that although they are your parents, and though I'm sure you love them, they don't have the right to force you to become someone you are not.

 

It's a difficult situation, being stuck in a place so dark that you can't seem to find the way out, and you don't feel like you can tell anybody what you've been doing to yourself. But revealing the secret is like letting go of some of the tension, and confronting the abuser is like finding a little piece of yourself.

 

I don't know your mother, but if she's anywhere near smart or a good mother, she'll listen to you if you explain to her how she's making you feel. And if you convey yourself well, she'll come to love you for yourself, rather than as a carbon copy of your sister.

 

Is your sister understanding? Is she someone you can learn to bond with and learn to trust?

 

As an older sister myself, I know that even in a difficult time, I'd do anything for my little sister, whether or not it made me uncomfortable. If she's a good person, she'll listen to you, and perhaps you could confront your mother with your sister by your side. Any kind of support is always nice to have in times like these.

 

If you want to talk, feel free to PM me; I will listen to anything you have or need to say, relevant or not.

 

Good luck.