Tactics to get me back...Eww

[nadid]

After a two year relationship and issues around every corner over the last year with this guy, I finally left him. See my previous post about him losing his cool, making a scene and being abusive in a restaurant.

 

At this point, I hadn't spoken to him in a few days. Looks like he realized I am fine with out him. He had the nerve to contact me and act all "normal" like nothing happened as if we are still together, and told me he saved money on his taxes and "we" should get me a new car. I'm disgusted by this display of "care". I find the timing of his offer of this gift of a new car peculiar, don't you? When we were supposedly fine and in a relationship he wasn't supportive. But now?

 

Of course I won't accept it. I think it's wrong of him to use money over me. Does he think I'm blind and don't see his tactic?

 

Now I know I cannot answer his call again. NC has begun. The whole thing is so disappointing.

[Sanesoul]

I'm glad you aren't falling for it. Take care of yourself.

[turnera]

Remember that abusers follow a pattern once their victim grows a spine and leaves - steps may include sweeping you off your feet; then, if you don't fall for that, they may become sad and pathetic to guilt you back; if that doesn't work, they may try anger or fear to get you back...stuff like that. Basically they try any of a handful of 'tricks' to reel you back in.

 

But if they do nothing on themselves, it is all just an act. It's a game for them.

[jettison]

Remember that abusers follow a pattern once their victim grows a spine and leaves - steps may include sweeping you off your feet; then, if you don't fall for that, they may become sad and pathetic to guilt you back; if that doesn't work, they may try anger or fear to get you back...stuff like that. Basically they try any of a handful of 'tricks' to reel you back in.

 

But if they do nothing on themselves, it is all just an act. It's a game for them.

 

And isn't it interesting that if there were no games being played, and someone just realized that they really did love the person and wanted them back, whatever they did would be seen as a game or tactic, and would be indistinguishable from the real thing most likely.

 

That said, an abuser is an abuser. You're just about always better off without them, game or no.

[nadid]

And isn't it interesting that if there were no games being played, and someone just realized that they really did love the person and wanted them back, whatever they did would be seen as a game or tactic, and would be indistinguishable from the real thing most likely.

 

That said, an abuser is an abuser. You're just about always better off without them, game or no.

 

When we were together, I really needed his help with my car. Instead of loving me and simply helping & supporting me, he yelled at me, tried to make me feel bad about it. Dealing with my car, and missing work with no ride all on my own was a terrible experience. I would help a friend out in this situation AND more obviously(to me and my standards) I would help an intimate partner above all else. His offer of help is delayed and directly as a response to me leaving and him selfishly wanting me back and trying to use power of money over me. (Not to mention, all I needed was a ride to work in the moment I needed him, not a brand new car.) This is not just a normal healthy attempt to prove love to me.

[jettison]

When we were together, I really needed his help with my car. Instead of loving me and simply helping & supporting me, he yelled at me, tried to make me feel bad about it. Dealing with my car, and missing work with no ride all on my own was a terrible experience. I would help a friend out in this situation AND more obviously(to me and my standards) I would help an intimate partner above all else. His offer of help is delayed and directly as a response to me leaving and him selfishly wanting me back and trying to use power of money over me. (Not to mention, all I needed was a ride to work in the moment I needed him, not a brand new car.) This is not just a normal healthy attempt to prove love to me.

 

I am not claiming that is is a legitimate, healthy attempt. I am merely asserting that if it were, you wouldn't recognize it anyway. It's too late for this guy in your life.

[turnera]

And isn't it interesting that if there were no games being played, and someone just realized that they really did love the person and wanted them back, whatever they did would be seen as a game or tactic, and would be indistinguishable from the real thing most likely.

 

That said, an abuser is an abuser. You're just about always better off without them, game or no.

 

I guess.

 

But the mind of an abuser is totally different from ours. It IS all about them. You are just a pawn to achieve their aims, be it control, or keeping you from leaving, or winning.

 

And abusers think they are in love with you, typically. But what they feel is an intense need to achieve their aims, and they confuse it with love. That's why they so often don't understand how you can't see how much they love you - they 'feel' so strongly. But if it was love, they would NOT be hurting you.

[jettison]

I guess.

 

But the mind of an abuser is totally different from ours. It IS all about them. You are just a pawn to achieve their aims, be it control, or keeping you from leaving, or winning.

 

And abusers think they are in love with you, typically. But what they feel is an intense need to achieve their aims, and they confuse it with love. That's why they so often don't understand how you can't see how much they love you - they 'feel' so strongly. But if it was love, they would NOT be hurting you.

 

Romantically, everyone has aims to fill, and goals are set whether you choose to voice them or not. By saying "I take this man to be my lawful wedded husband" you are expressing ownership of that person. "Mine and no one else's". How can there be a larger romantic goal then that? You are certainly making someone a means to your end no matter how much "true love" is part of the equation.

 

There's a simple quote I remember... "I don't think I hate you enough to commit you to me." If abusers were truly compassionate in their love, this is the line they would drop. But of course, an abuser is not capable of that kind of introspection or compassion.

 

Romantic love is selfish by definition. If one isn't willing or capable of being selfish then their romantic love will fail. And for some, they can never really wrap their brains around the concept, and that kind of love always will fail for them in the end.