I'm too clingy, part2

[Ruthlah]

Hi guys, thanks for all your help with the last post I left, although it was excellent advice, I didn't take it. So I had all my exs things (or most of them) packed up and texted him to ask him if he could please come get them. He never wrote me back so I took the liberty of bringing them to his house. He answered the door and said hello, as if nothing had happened, and I asked him to come to my car and get his things. He came and we talked for a while, he said we couldn't be friends right now because what if he started dating someone else, blah blah blah...I asked him why he was even considering it, as he says he left me because he doesn't want a relationship and he doesn't like sex. We were getting along fine, and then he said he was going inside and if I wanted to come watch TV with him. Stupid me made myself available like I have no life and went inside. I told him I was going to his room to get my things, and looked at his room and couldn't help tidying it up a bit. He came upstairs and sat down and talked with me for a minute, he said he's just not in love with me anymore because when he feels restricted in a relationship he stops caring. Is this possible? I told him that I wanted to know what I did wrong and he said nothing, you did everything perfect don't change it was me. But is it really him? When we broke up before (around christmas) he was the same way, very stubborn and sure that was what he wanted, but then I went on vacation to New Orleans and he called me saying that he missed me and wanted to talk to me. My other suggested that maybe I go down to FL (i just quit my job because it's too stressful and my boss is a b****) for a while, and I was thinking of driving (I live in Boston) and then going over to New Orleans to visit with my friends down there. Even if he wouldn't miss me, wouldn't it be a good way to give him a few weeks of space? Does anybody else think this may be a good idea? On top of not being able to talk to him, his father calls me every so often because I bought a car from him. He always asks me what I'm doing and how I've been and I can't help but cry, I wouldn't dare let him know I was, it's so hard to hear about things from someone other than him.

I'm just so nervous that it's me not him. I feel like I'm never going to find somebody who can love me.

[woobiegirl]

Hi Ruthlah,

 

First let me commend you for taking the initiative to pack up your ex's personal belongings and deliver them. It shows strength on your part and it's also mentally healthy to clear out "his stuff" that would otherwise give you bad vibes to see them. Based on the excuses he's giving and the fact that he acted so indiferent when you came to the door...I would say it's time for a "fresh start". Several of the things he told you concern me...

 

1. he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't like sex.

2. then he says he can't be friends in case he starts dating someone

3. he stops caring when he's restricted in a relationship

 

He's either confused in which case he definitely could use some counseling, or he's not telling you the truth because one statement contradicts the other. I would have to guess by his negligent attitude he's being selfish. You sound like a wonderful, caring person and the fact that even his dad has more caring characteristics to call you should tell you maybe your ex is not worth it. You deserve so much more...life is too short not to be as happy as you can be. Since you just quit your job, this may be your perfect time for a new beginning. Remember, for every door that closes, a new one opens. There are new friends, new adventures and new loves waiting for you. Never doubt that there is someone special out there for you...what's important is that you don't settle for less than what makes you happy. There are just as many men who are looking for a special, caring, honest and loving gal...so go find that special man and look forward to your new future. Leave the misery behind you and if he misses you when your gone...well, he should have known the treasure he had the first time around. That special man won't have to guess that your the love of his life.

 

Hope you find peace and happiness,

 

wishing you the best,

Woobiegirl

[nenez]

Well done for taking his stuff back, that showed real generosity of spirit and how nice to tidy his room. Were you just a teeny bit nosey there to see what he's been up to? i would have been but then i always just phone once to say if you want your stuff come get it. if i dont get a reply i put it all in the trash. I also never leave anything of mine behind. But thats just me,

This guy sounds as though he has some serious issues to deal with before he's fit to be with a girl.

Why not go to Florida and hasve a great time. Do not use it as a ploy to see if he wants you back, do it for you. Have a great time and come back ready to take on the world.

Rememeber it was not you. He is the one with the problem. You are a strong woman who had the guts to deal with the issues he is a spineless man who cannot. Do you need this?

You are a woman. You have the power.

With love

nenez xxx

[Ruthlah]

Several of the things he told you concern me...

 

1. he doesn't want a relationship and doesn't like sex.

2. then he says he can't be friends in case he starts dating someone

3. he stops caring when he's restricted in a relationship

 

For one, thanks so much ladies for your help and support, I just wanted to point out one thing that I may have left out...

 

When I said he doesn't like sex, he hadn't just told me that when we broke up. I've always been pretty aware of that through the whole relationship, he's self-consious, and when he can't 'do the job' he doesn't forget it. I had just asked him why he would want a relationship in the first place, whether it be only physical or not, because he say he doesn't want one, and i myself know he doesn't like sex. I'm sure he's lying, but for what reason? What may it be? I'll also be honest that I brought his things over because I really miss him, and I wanted to see him.

 

I am going to go to Florida though, and hopefully he can grow some respect for me, isn't it odd to say that you love somebody and they are your world, and the throw them away? Has anyone actuelly ever been in this situation, (his not mine) and could tell me what the purpose was? Thanks again for everybody's help, it's been really hard for me to deal with.

[Realdeal40]

Ruthlah,

 

I have not been in his situation, I've been more in yours. I wanted nothing more than my relationship to work, but when the other half resists there isn't much you can do. Forcing yourself on them has the complete opposite effect you are trying. Clinging destroys things as well. What is needed honestly, is a long break from each other. With me, my girlfriend would break up, call me the next day and talk my ear off about how her feelings have changed and she doesn't want to be with me anymore. But she wasn't strong enough to leave me, and I definitely wasn't strong enough to leave her. I put up with all her crap and where am I now? The same place I should have been last year, because she finally left me and has found someone else. But that's ok because I am realizing things and doing things I never would have imagined me doing. I guess I can thank her for that, but I don't really want to give her any of the credit. Anyways stay strong, enjoy your trip to FL and forget about this guy. He will contact you if he wants, but don't speak with him....if you can don't even bring your phone with you, or maybe turn it off most of the time because otherwise it will distract you. Do your best to clear your head and enjoy what is out there. Good luck!

 

-RD40