It's so hard to get the courage to leave!

[Wjames]

The older I get, the harder it is to really make a risky change. I'm finding myself thinking that its much easier to just keep going on with a bad relationship rather than to risk everything and start over. My wife has reached a point where she is perfectly happy just living our separate lives under one roof. I know she is not happy either but just doesn't want a divorce. I know it's crazy but I find myself thinking things like "At least she doesn't cheat on me" or "Maybe it's OK that she doesn't want sex any more". Has anyone else been in a similer situation? and maybe some advice? ](*,)

[hexaemeron]

The older I get, the harder it is to really make a risky change. I'm finding myself thinking that its much easier to just keep going on with a bad relationship rather than to risk everything and start over. My wife has reached a point where she is perfectly happy just living our separate lives under one roof. I know she is not happy either but just doesn't want a divorce. I know it's crazy but I find myself thinking things like "At least she doesn't cheat on me" or "Maybe it's OK that she doesn't want sex any more". Has anyone else been in a similer situation? and maybe some advice? ](*,)

 

So... you'd rather be 100% guaranteed to be miserable than to take a 50% chance at happiness? Even mathematically, that makes no sense.

[Catdancer]

I was able to ride it out, rather miserably for about a year. When my son was 5 months old, after many many pleas to my ex to help me make some changes and him saying "no", I took my infant and left. It was very hard. We moved in with some pots and pans, a chest of drawers, 6 cats and our clothes. lol Hey, at least I didnt have anything to clean. lol Once people found out what had happened, I got a free bedroom set, dressers, etc and every pay day I bought a piece of furniture, so now about 7 months later, we have a beautiful home!!

 

It is hard, but it's sooo worth it. The freedom I feel is too much to try to explain. I didnt even realize **how** miserable I really was.

[Wjames]

So... you'd rather be 100% guaranteed to be miserable than to take a 50% chance at happiness? Even mathematically, that makes no sense.

 

I guess I never stopped to think of it that way!

 

Thanks

[WomanWriter]

I know what you mean. I am nearing 30 and eager to settle down and start a family soon. My boyfriend is in the church and I see that has a lot of potential IF he puts his mind to it. He and I share similar goals and values in that area, but he is financially irresponsible and doesn't take good enough care of himself. We've talked about these issues and he seems to want to change to some degree, but doesn't take it as seriously as I need him to.

 

I don't know the answer, but maybe the first step is counseling. Have you tried that? I am getting counseling and it does help give me perspective. It is hard, though, because everyone has different opinions.

 

It is is easy to say "just leave her," but you have made an investment. You may or may not be happy without her.

 

My best advice is this (and it was given to me by someone I really respect...a positive, Christian-woman who is a role model to me): FOCUS ON YOURSELF REGARDLESS OF THE DECISION YOU MAKE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

 

I, too, struggle with a decision right now...but what I really need to do is start living for me again, with or without my boyfriend. This lady I am telling you about is with a man that is not very responsible...but you know what? She takes care of herself, enjoys her time with her mate, and when he doesn't make her happy, she finds happiness elsewhere (not sexually, but with other friends and family). She says she is happy because she decides to be. She doesn't make her happiness dependent on her mate. She enjoys him for what she can get, then has her own life. And you know what, if you look at her relationship with her man, it is not all that. But she accepts it because it works for her. It is better than being alone, she does love him, and she still is able to do what she wants. It works.

 

So I don't think there is a right answer. We have to work with what we got. And if we don't want to, we don't have to. Can you make yourself happy regardlesss of your wife? Try that first. I always think you should try your best to make things work. That's gotta start with you changing YOU first.

 

I am going to follow my own advice.

 

Let us know what you decide!

[Wjames]

So I don't think there is a right answer. We have to work with what we got. And if we don't want to, we don't have to. Can you make yourself happy regardlesss of your wife? Try that first. I always think you should try your best to make things work. That's gotta start with you changing YOU first.

 

I am going to follow my own advice.

 

Let us know what you decide!

 

I guess that's what I have been doing is working with what I have and I'll have to admit that except for the lack of sexual intimacy I could probably live with my situation and I'm not the kind of person to look elswhere for that.

 

Thanks for the advice, I'll keep you posted

[gvision]

in my opinion, people are going to tell you to leave

 

but that is a last resort.

 

What you guys need to do is make a CONSCIOUS effort to improve the communication and the intimacy of the relationship. Take a vacation as a jump start.

 

Tell her that you love her, that you are not happy, and you sincerely want to make things like the way they were. AND TRY, try hard.

 

If you feel nothing, or if she feels nothing after this effort, then consider a different approach, and/or separating.

[hexaemeron]

in my opinion, people are going to tell you to leave

 

but that is a last resort.

 

What you guys need to do is make a CONSCIOUS effort to improve the communication and the intimacy of the relationship. Take a vacation as a jump start.

 

Tell her that you love her, that you are not happy, and you sincerely want to make things like the way they were. AND TRY, try hard.

 

If you feel nothing, or if she feels nothing after this effort, then consider a different approach, and/or separating.

 

His previous threads basically outline him doing just this, and her complete indifference. It's not his job alone to fix things that require both people. She made her choice, now it's time for him to make his.

[Lost_confused]

I'm in the similar situation, myself, right now. I hope we both get the courage to break free.

[Wjames]

I'm in the similar situation, myself, right now. I hope we both get the courage to break free.

 

I hope we do also. I'm getting closer each day and I have to admit that this forum is helping a lot. I don't think if I were as young as you, I would have as much trouble breaking free. I'm much older then you and the prospects for finding someone else at my age really scares me but as DR. Phil says, "The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 15 years is being in one for fifteen years and one day!". At 21, you have you whole life ahead of you and you deserve to live it with someone who cares as much for you as you do them. I wish you much happiness!

[Wjames]

in my opinion, people are going to tell you to leave

 

but that is a last resort.

 

What you guys need to do is make a CONSCIOUS effort to improve the communication and the intimacy of the relationship. Take a vacation as a jump start.

 

Tell her that you love her, that you are not happy, and you sincerely want to make things like the way they were. AND TRY, try hard.

 

If you feel nothing, or if she feels nothing after this effort, then consider a different approach, and/or separating.

 

Boy would I love to do this! I would give anything if she would take off for a cruise or a romantic weekend but thats just not where she's at!