What about friends?

[watchingstorms]

I've just come to realise that my close circle of friends appear to be not such good friends (to me anyway) after all. I was with my ex for ten years so our social circle is very much intertwined.

 

I was told last night that I have not been invited to the last few social gatherings (which I had known nothing about) because my ex would be there and they have assumed that I wouldn't want to go. I'm really hurt that I haven't been given the option and he will always be their number one option for company out of the two of us.

 

I'm doing well in relation to moving on away from the relationship, everyday is a struggle but I'm getting through and now this has really, really hurt me. I feel like I really am walking away from the relationship with absolutely nothing and the attitude towards me is that I have to just get on with things, while he is getting the support from everyone. I can't understand why he is being treated like the injured party. My initial reaction is to just cut off from most of them but then I really wouldn't have anyone I could call friends.

 

Am I acting like a spoilt child? I really need an outside perspective. Do I settle for non fulfilling friendships or do I walk away and start over?

[secondchance1]

Sorry you're going through this. I have been in the exact same situation, I used to be so hurt when people wouldn't invite me because my ex would be there. When I got back with my ex a year later I made the decision not to hold it against these friends, I realized people are nor doing it maliciously.

 

Did you talk to them? Maybe they just want to avoid drama/uncomfortable situations for themselves, and for you and your ex. Even if they seem to always pick your ex over you they may not realize they're doing it. Just the other day a friend of mine who lost a boyfriend of 4 years after cheating on him told me she was hurt I was always going to parties with this other friend without telling her, and felt like I was taking sides. It wasnt a conscious choice at all! She's a great friend of mine. I just thought she didnt want to know what her ex was up to, who he was hanging out with, etc. And thats exactly what my friends used to do when I was getting over my ex!

 

Why dont you organize a gathering yourself and see who wants to come? And you can decide to invite your ex or not.

[squirl]

I know the feeling.

 

People are uncomfortable and don't want to be in the middle. Is any of this your ex's doing? That would make it harder.

 

Whoever told you about this is a good friend. Perhaps reassure that person that you would enjoy being invited. When you go, be friendly to the ex - more so than you would one on one. That would put people at ease. This worked for me.

 

Over time, you will see who is your friend and who isn't. Some may not be able to handle it. Many can.

 

I think it is a big mistake to cut yourself off from friends, even if some are closer to the ex than you. You need social stimulation. I know it is not your doing, but you need to work at it right now with these people. Avoid bringing up your ex or the breakup, other than to assure them you'd still enjoy being invited even if your ex might be there. In time this will lead to meeting more people who are removed from your ex.

[Annie123]

if they were true frineds then you should have been given the option

 

they should have approache you and said something like 'not sure if your interested but we are doing this....we would love you to come, but just so you know we have also invited .......and he will be there as well, we would like to support the both of you through this tough time but understand if you decide you don't want to come....i know thats what i would do, leave the choice up to the both of you.

 

you don't need friends like that, walk away and make new friends who care about you.

 

annie

[1guygirl]

you also dont know if youre ex has been hamming up the story to gain his own pity party and isolate you from them deliberately...cos he needs them to take his side

 

it happens

 

still, true friends would see both sides - and i guess some may hold their own reservations but are too weak to rock the boat, either way, do you need friends like that?

 

sometimes situations like these are a blessing in disguise. my ex ex gained all the support from our friends and well, come to see them for what and who they are, and now i only have positive mature wonderful friends in my life who encourage and support me, instead of belittle and critisize me...they can have my ex ex...they are welcome to him

[watchingstorms]

Thanks for your input guys! All of your comments were really helpful.

 

I'm still swinging from one extreme to the other with my feelings towards the situation. I suppose I shouldn't really have any expectations of anyone other than myself in this situation.

 

I think there is a touch of the spoilt child in me screaming "what about me" and considering I'm a grown woman I need to grow a backbone and maybe put myself in the situation of being in a social environment with the ex and see if I sink or swim. I suppose I'm just really frustrated that no matter what happens I have to be the one to grin and bare it and there's always a little voice in my head that says I'm being taken for an idiot for letting him get away with it.

 

I wish I could fast forward a year from now when hopefully none of this will matter.

[uncomfynumb]

Try link removed and make some new friends!

[squirl]

I know how you feel. 10 years of mutual friends is a lot to give up. It's not fair. There is a bit of the spoilt child feeling, but only if you let it dictate your terms. If staying away is causing resentment you have to work at it a little.

 

you're letting him get away with it more if you just slink away. These friends might assume that is your preference, and it isn't.

 

The best way to dispel the fear that they've dismissed you completely is to let it be known you'd still welcome the invitations and go. Give people some credit, once they see you being socially friendly they may make up heir own minds. One partner cannot maintain better relationships with every single one of the crowd than you can. If you decide they're not worth it you can opt out and yes, make new friends.

 

The exception to this would be if the entire group is couples only and if your ex is bringing a new date to these events. Then I think it would be too awkward for everyone.

 

 

People tend to want to go with the flow. It will take some initiative from you. But trying to be friendly with a social group that includes your ex is far better than trying to be friends with your ex, as so many people do. You're doing it for yourself. You have every right to have friends. I think it's a mistake to set aside your own needs because he's the one being an idiot. If they are decent people they will see that. It may take some grinning and bearing it to ask for what you want, but not necessriky more so than making all new friends.

[watchingstorms]

Squirl - that post was so, so helpful to me! I'm in a much better place today and I doubt I'd've got here if I hadn't read your perspective the other day and mulled it over (and over and over!) No decisions made, i think I'm gonna play it by ear from now with better self awareness - THANK YOU!!

 

And thanks all who posted!!