How is it so easy for them?

[bostonchiiiiica]

Quick question for everyone:

 

How do you think the dumper so easily lets go when they still love you? Why does it seem that it is so easy for them to just drop the relationship that once meant so much to them? Do you think the dumper hurts when they are surrounded by memories of the relationship like we are? How do they just disregard and simply cut all ties, acting as though it does not hurt them to throw years of love, trust, and memories from spending every single day together? Someone please shed some light on how they can so easily do this to us, when for us it is like each memory rips at our hearts!? Any dumpers have an opinion?

[Tinkerbell]

It all depends on the relationship. If things take a turn for the worst, a dumper would have no problem ending it because the relationship would be unfulfilling. It's obvious that it's not wise to stay in a harmful relationship, so in this case breaking it off would be pretty simple.

However, I believe that the dumpers go through quite a bit of pain too (once again, depending on the relationship) and probably often wonder whether or not they made the right decision. Even if the dumper is no longer in love, just because his/her feelings have changed does not mean that they do not care, and they too probably re-play special events and moments in their minds, remembering all the special times. The difference is, because they are the one's who ended it, the memories are not as painful because they realise that they are the reason that such events and moments will not take place again, and hopefully they have a good reason for causing this to happen.

I do not believe that it is always "easy" for someone to end a relationship, because although they may seem nonchalant, there's a chance that they are hiding their feelings for fear of appearing weak and crumbling and doubting their decision.

I have no doubts that if someone was once in love with another, breaking it off will hurt them a great deal because they will wonder how/why/where it went wrong.

[Mar]

I fully agree with Tinkerbell......there's nothing that says the dumper is happy about the breakup; more that they aren't getting what they need out of the relationship and have (presumably) tried all they could to make it work. The breakup is the last resort. I suppose there's a sense of relief that there isn't that tremendous effort there anymore to try to make things work, and the dread of doing the actual breaking up is over.

 

And it's also true that it depends on the relationship. Every one is composed of two different people who will view things in two completely separate ways, and each will think they are right. This doesn't allow for the compromise needed to work through the problem. Doesn't mean someone's necessarily right or wrong, just that the views are different and don't meld.

 

So I wouldn't keep hold of the idea that the dumper is happy, per se. More that they are in a better place for themselves as far as being free and not having that unhappiness and discontent hanging over them anymore. And yes, I'm quite sure a healthy dose of guilt and sadness is in there too, in that things just simply didn't work.

 

Mar

[QTpie87]

i honestly think that it isn't any eaisier to be the dumper. see i think it just seems like that because they have more time to think about it and prepair themselves when the dumpie is surprised and didn't really have that time to think things over. you know? well thats the best answer i can give ya.

bye,

love QTpie87

[fantasia2004]

I wondered the same thing too. My therapist says that even if the dumper or ex decided to move on and progress in a new relationship they are hurting too. So the new relationship is usually a fill in void. And yes even though they claim they are happy never assume because they might be thinking that they really made a mistake or really going through something that is plaguing them too.

 

I don't believe it but it is honestly true.

 

My ex is probably confused as all exes are until they finally let go of the guilt

[DealingWithIt]

i think that the dumpers seem to have a "easy" time letting go of the relationship because for them, its been over in their hearts way before the actual breakup. Of course, they expect the dumpees to be lonely, sad and not getting on with life and when they do start "to live again"...these dumpers wonder why. Thats when they start contacting you again, etc.

[fantasia2004]

i think that the dumpers seem to have a "easy" time letting go of the relationship because for them, its been over in their hearts way before the actual breakup. Of course, they expect the dumpees to be lonely, sad and not getting on with life and when they do start "to live again"...these dumpers wonder why. Thats when they start contacting you again, etc.

 

I think that is very rare. But it might be true.

[raider5]

I wondered the same thing too. My therapist says that even if the dumper or ex decided to move on and progress in a new relationship they are hurting too. So the new relationship is usually a fill in void. And yes even though they claim they are happy never assume because they might be thinking that they really made a mistake or really going through something that is plaguing them too.

 

fantasia I would kiss you long and hard if you were here! I never thought of it that way. That advice makes me happy. My ex went back to her ex. Not that what you said NECESSARILY applys to my case, but that doesn't mean that this relationship fills SOME void that I left behind.

 

If they left you for someone else, it may very well be that they went to them for some reason other than that person is better than you. In my case maybe she went back because she saw this as the "last chance" with someone she knows better. Either way, now we are the unfinished business, because the relationship wasn't alowed to fail or progress to blis because it was cut short.

[DragonGirl724]

i am also constantly thinkin about how my ex can go w/o contacting me anymore. its goin on 3 months broken up & i been a wreck but startin to get my life in order again but i miss him & i want what he had back so bad. i love him with all my heart i dont know why but it seems like he just let go of any feelings he had for me in order to make this breakup easier for him. he broke up with me b/c he felt smothered & wanted space (even tho we only hung out w/ eachother 3 nights a week... ) i kinda gave him crap after a while if he forgot to call me etc...and he couldnt deal w/ havin the responibilities of having a GF. so he split. he got what he wanted. & im left here to be miserable & continue to try to get myself back together...while hes out partying i guess...he told me after a month that breakin up was the hardest thing he ever had to decide even harder than him choosin what college to go to...& he said "dont think that im goin out havin all this fun b/c i miss u & everyday i think about how i F'd over such a great girl..." yaddy yaddy yah...but then again that was last month & hes probably over all that by now & havin a blast w/ his boys like he planned....

 

waddya think??

 

-DG724

[JT]

I've been on both sides of the fence with this dumper and dumpee stuff, so maybe I can shed some light for everyone.

 

Basically I met this girl 2 years ago.. we hit it off right away, passion was great etc. I did a few things she did'nt like but we were always willing to work through things.. and we always did. Sometimes there was some bad drama.. she wrecked her car one night after hitting me.. etc. I always took her back. After the car wreck incident.. she wanted to "talk to me but not see me" .. i.e. cut back.. cut loose etc. I told her ok.. as much as it hurt me. It started making me mad.. why would I do something stupid like that.. ? Holding me at arms length is what it was. She would insist we were broken up... I would go out with friends, she would get mad and tell me not to talk to girls... stupid immachure stuff like that. She said she never talked to boys.. bullcrap!! I Had to learn that for myself so I hacked into her email and saw that she was. She of course told me they were just friends.. but "hey baby" is'nt friendly talk. I told her from the getgo... you can't have a double standard here... it would be better if you told me you were talking to guys.. yet she constantly denied it. I got so fed up so enraged.. I'd tell her to F* off constantly.. she'd keep coming back and back and back... giving me the lecture.. blaming me. I had started seeing a therapist by that time. She prescribed me stuff so I could sleep. So, one night she was going out with her female friend "and not talking to guys" (i.e. bullcrap) I got drunk.. I said "i'll show her..." I downed the whole bottle. That was the last thing I remember. I woke up in emergency room.. she was there with me. The next day she agreed to group therapy. We did that for awhile and it was always about me.. she did'nt have the problem.. she denied it.. the therapist would ask her "why does that make you feel that way" and she would shrug her shoulders. At this point i said.. whatever it takes.. I'll do it. So, I spent a crapload of money, time, energy, sacrificing what I was about and what my ethics were for her.. I thought she would do the same eventually. We moved intogether.. I began to not feel appreciated.. my resentment grew. I moved out after she trying to wear the frickin pants all the time. We were still together.. but one of her jealous rants pushed me over the edge. I said enough is enough and i ended it. We had harsh words... i wish I would have walked away. But I did not. Her last words were "i hate you"... and that was it. I lost friends through this process.. or what I thought were my friends. .I went through unbearable pain and I was the one to do the dumping. So, its pain both ways.

 

I have come to the conclusion.. she would never admit fault.. never ever say she was wrong about something.. always blame the other. She's too much of a giver.. she does'nt know what she herself needs. She is very angry at me.. but I cannot change that.. she's always had an anger problem. I wish I would have broke up earlier.. but I tried everything humanly possible to make the relationship continue.. There was nothing left. I had worked on myself in therapy... I told her there was nothing left to give.

 

So let this be a lesson to everyone.. dont go the extreme route I did. Its not worth it.

[melrich]

First I would say I agree with all teh other posters here, it is not easy for the dumper, maybe easier but they still have their own issues. But I think you start your post with teh wrong premise,

 

How do you think the dumper so easily lets go when they still love you?

 

It is very, very rare for someone to dump another they are still in love with. They may still have very deep affections for the dumped, but they are not in love with them. I think that is where a lot of dumped people get it wrong. They think their ex is still in love with them, "how could we be so in love and making plans for the future and have all those great times? Surely those feelings are still there." They are not, that's why people break up, their feelings, needs and wants change and will continue to do so throughout their lives. Under age 30 is the time of greatest change, it is also the time when most of us will have a number of short to medium term relationships. Because we are still finding out who we are and what we want. People don't always fall in love for ever, sometimes we fall in love for as little as a month. And people don't (as a rule) dump people they are in love with.

[DragonGirl724]

my ex told me: "he loves me but he mustnt be 'in love' anymore b/c if he was he wouldnt be breaking up w/ me...right??" he sounded kinda confused when he said it tho. i guess that jus restated what was said in the previous post.... but the thing is....can they fall back in love with us again during the breakup??? especially during NC??????

 

-DG724

[melrich]

Of course they can but no contact has nothing to do with it. Never has, never will.

[fantasia2004]

 

 

 

As painful that sounds, richbabe it is so true that it hurts. That is why my ex can go forward and not turn back ever.

 

 

.

[bostonchiiiiica]

Richgabe:

 

But for the case where you KNOW in your heart they still love you, would you say that that breakup could be considered as only a break since the two will inevitably end up together? I guess I am a romantic but I sincerely do not believe my ex fell out of love with me, I think he has a mind block right now and needs to find out for himself that he's made the wrong decision...

[fantasia2004]

 

 

 

For Jt :

 

 

I understand your situation too. I was so angry while with my ex and took things out on him. when it was over I realized that it was too late to change my behavior to deal in a relationship.. For that I hurt him and lost him, forever. But again he is the dumper and if he is supposedly happy then God bless him on his journey as well as you JT whether it is his lost or not .

 

I made the mistake and so did your ex-girl. she is angry now at the situation and in time she will heal and let go.Give it time if you care

[Mix Maxster]

But for the case where you KNOW in your heart they still love you, would you say that that breakup could be considered as only a break since the two will inevitably end up together? I guess I am a romantic but I sincerely do not believe my ex fell out of love with me, I think he has a mind block right now and needs to find out for himself that he's made the wrong decision...

 

SEE right there is my point, that YES they could be "moving on" AND REALLy mean that because they're tryign to find meaning in themselves. Trying to find true love because they LEFT becaues they didn't think they had it. But do they ever look at themselves? do they ever look at what they have?! no they looked at what they didn't have. Not to rub what they had in their face, but how does one ever appreciate anything or CHANGE any bit of them if all they do is become selfish jerks who just use people and take what THEY want. I mean if no one teaches her a lesson or does ANYTHING when she is acting selfish, WHEN WILL SHE EVER LEARN!? when she gets it taken away from her? ya and i'm sure she'll act like it's the other persons fault or that they're a loser and deserve to die or some crap like that.

 

DO you see my point? that's why i wanted to talk to her one last time, because it's not my place but you know Love is good for something isn't it? It's not worth it anymore? I should move on because she truly moved on? or because NO one is talking to her about it and letting her get away with murder. To me she needs a slap in the face because I WOULD never expect to get away with tihs, then how is she?

[melrich]

Hi Bostonchiiiica,

 

I understand what you are saying about knowing in your heart that they still love you. But I would say this to you, a dumpee is the worst person to make this judgement, they are to emotionally attached and so finely tuned to their exes every move that they cannot be objective. I have seen people on this forum say things like "my ex rang me the other day to see how the dog/cat is doing. Does that mean there is still a chance for us?"

I'd suggest you ask someone who knows both of you well whether they think he is still in love with you. He may be.

[spatzcolumbo]

I've seen a post like this on here before. Maybe i'm just being hopeful, but its a fact that people do break up for reasons other than 'i don't love you anymore'.

 

For instance, especially in young relationships (young people) breakups happen because the person needs to see what else is out there. I've seen a number of relationships where people have been split for 6-12 months, only to realise that what they had was actually everything they wanted. But they NEEDED to get out of it for a while just to prove to themselves that it was what they wanted. They needed to prove that someone better was not waiting just round the corner.

 

Its pretty rare, but it happens.

 

Other people don't like the idea that they are falling deeply for someone without actually having any control over that feeling. How many people here have ever had difficulty with not being in control of something. Its not a nice feeling, and its something which can lead people to leave with what seems like no explanation or reason.

[fantasia2004]

alot of times it is usually they have their own personal issues that plague the relationship too.

[dcgent45]

I think it depends on the relationship as well. I just came out of a 5 year relationship that was very deep and meaningful, but i felt smoothered towards the end and panicked and had to be by myself for a while. I still love her deeply and loved her deeply at the time of the break, but I was so confused with myself, that no one was going to be able to help me, not even her. I have been back in touch with her lately and I am hoping we can work things out. She has been extremely hesitant, with reason, as I left her. So I can say that I was the one that ended the relationship and it has been beyond difficult. It hurst like hell really...

[Mix Maxster]

Ya this is kind of like what I was trying to say.

 

It's not that I'm going on "false hope" or thinking that I had the whole package in a sense, but she has only dated like 3 guys... sometimes that's enough if there's no real problems and the person already has their idea of who they want (rare) but it happens. I mean sometimes people find someone and they're really happy with them and don't need to look anymore because there's no need. That does happen sometimes but not always right? Sometimes people need to "shop around" before they find what works for them. That doesn't mean that they aren't happy with what they had it just means they don't entirely know what they're looking for. This is kind of what my ex said to me, but the huge problem which MAY work to my advantage (not counting on it) is that she's going by what FEELS right and not what makes her really happy and such. How can it feel right if things were falling apart and she wasn't talking to me, so that's why I can see how her getting out there will help her out.

 

Enough of my rambling anyways, I'm probably PRETTY damn positive that if I were to ask everyone WHAT kind of person they're looking for and WHO they're really looking for, the premise would essentially be the same.

[DragonGirl724]

richgabe,

 

what about when his friends tell me 'david jus needs to relize what he wants/needs in life. youre an amazing girl & he knows that he jus needs time alone he hasnt been single for 7yrs (he had a 2 yr & a 5 yr relationship b4 me back to back) & he is confused between what to do with school & his future." thats an exact quote from a convo his friend & i had. and my ex told me: "when im ready youll be the first call i make if youre still around so to speak." do i believe what theyre saying? i feel in my heart were meant to be & he told me 'im different than his other exs. & he would never go bak w/ his other exs.' (

 

u seem to know what ur talkin about.

 

its all on this link:

link removed

 

-DG724