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Tips and advice on taking things slow to reconcile

Diagonal

By Diagonal
in Getting Back Together

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Diagonal Contributor

Diagonal

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Hey guys,

 

I'm taking things slow with my ex after we agreed we both wanted to see if we could rekindle things. She has told me she's not interested in seeing anyone else and I've told her I'm not and we have been moving forward after she left 5 weeks ago.

 

We've both been working on ourselves (me with my workaholic nature which caused her to feel neglected) and we've kept LC and had causal meet ups.

 

My question to everyone is - what tips and advice do people have on taking things slow when trying to reconcile with an ex?

I'm dying to jump back in, but I know if I push too much I run the risk of spoiling things (maybe). It's just so hard to contain my feelings and emotion.

 

Any advice, would be really appreciated.

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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I think the main thing is to take each day as it comes without making too many assumptions or putting yourselves under any pressure to be feeling a certain way. Accept that you may both be feeling apprehensive and that therefore things may feel slighty different than before. Don't talk too much about the "future" and try to avoid any talk of "us". There may come a time when it feels more appropriate to talk about your relationship but I would avoid it initially until you know you can comfortably talk about it without putting your gf (or yourself) under too much pressure. Relax and enjoy each others company.

 

If it is meant to be then your relationship will fall into a natural pace and you won't need to worry about any of the above.

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coolchick64 Enthusiast

coolchick64

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Yeah, don't jump back in, no matter how strong the urge may be. Take it nice and slow, day by day. Keep in consistent contact, but give her space the second she seems to need it. Don't put too much information out there.

 

Here's the thing. It will seem like everything's great, partly because you're in limited contact and partly because not breaking up is such a relief. This is kind of a honeymoon period and it might feel like there's no reason not to go right back to where you left off. But the dark side is you two probably had issues to work on that caused the break up. You'll need to learn new patterns of interacting, especially around tense or difficult situations. If things are going slowly, you have more time to react and think through how you'll handle the down times. If they're going fast, it feels great when everything's going well, but if you hit a pothole at high speeds, it can send you back into the ditch. Make sense?

 

Also, 5 weeks is not much time to be apart. You probably each had some thinking and changing to do to make the relationship work, and I doubt you accomplished much in that amount of time---not a criticism, that's just how it is. By taking things slowly now, you give yourselves the best chance of doing that work while nurturing your reconciliation.

 

My other advice is to tune into your GF's needs and try to set a pace that's good for both of you. In my case, the ex-ex ran hot and cold a lot of the time---needed me to be available when he needed me, needed me to be patient when he needed space. I didn't always like it, but I learned to adapt to this pattern and, over time, it resolved itself. Patience is key.

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Tired Tiger Enthusiast

Tired Tiger

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My other advice is to tune into your GF's needs and try to set a pace that's good for both of you. In my case, the ex-ex ran hot and cold a lot of the time---needed me to be available when he needed me, needed me to be patient when he needed space. I didn't always like it, but I learned to adapt to this pattern and, over time, it resolved itself. Patience is key.

 

I can't stress how important this is. ^^^

 

Don't think for one second that the work is done at the point of deciding to reconcile! Positivity and P A T I E N C E.

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California Boy Rookie

California Boy

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Going back too soon doesn't give you enough perspective on what went wrong and the roles you both played.

 

Now, at the same time, if you're on the bounce to reconciling....I'd suggest basically doing your best to do FUN things. Basically letting the hair down and doing fun and exciting things without any real talk of the relationship if you can avoid it for a little while. If you set the tone you can rehash the old problems a little at a time if you guys take your time.

 

I rushed into reconcilliation after a short period before too.....never had time to reconcile how I felt and the hurt I had from her breaking up with me before. I took that back to the relationship with resentment and she did the same and that put us back where we were and where we are today with another breakup.

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Diagonal Contributor

Diagonal

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Thanks a lot for the comments, all of them are really good

 

I agree, it's sooo difficult as being a man I didn't realize that things had got to a point where she wanted to leave, so that's why I feel the way I do.

 

I was consumed by work over the last year and neglected everything else (her, social and family time, reading and learning - which I loved and a whole host of other things).

 

I know 5 weeks isn't long but since then I've scaled down my work a lot for both me and us (it was killing me!) and she has said she has started to see things in me that she thought had gone.

 

I guess it's just taking things day by day, like you guys said. It's difficult, but our relationship blossomed so natuarlly and it developed perfectly, fairytale-like. So I guess that can happen again.

 

Good luck to Stuckontheside too, hope things work out for you and for everyone reading.

 

Thanks,

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Tanzi Mentor

Tanzi

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Positivity and P A T I E N C E. is the key I think, whilst keeping things fun - that's what I'm trying to do.

 

I realize it's also about addressing what went wrong and I am doing that, so here goes....

 

Wish me luck

 

I wish you all the luck in the world.

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Diagonal Contributor

Diagonal

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I don't want to give too many details away, just in case she ever sees this, but we met and she arrived 35 mins early which threw me, but hey....

 

We went and did something I'd planned (it was an activity of sorts) and it went really well. We then went for a coffee and also for a walk around the shops, it was really nice.

 

Neither of us brought up the relationship, we just had fun, I was patient and positive about life and what I'd been up to and it worked really well.

 

She seems to be taking this break-up worse than me at the moment. She's very stressed and emotional not towards me but just in general. Why do people think that is?

 

We had a great time and I told her about a couple of gigs I'm going to see soon and she jumped at the chance to come along, to both of them. Which is positive I guess.

 

Slowly, slowly....

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coolchick64 Enthusiast

coolchick64

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Yeah, just keep it going. Stay positive. Have fun. If she seems emotional or upset, don't take it personally or assume it has anything to do with you. Be a supportive partner and friend---ask her if she'd like to talk about it---but don't jump to any conclusions.

 

While I was working through my feelings after our break up, and throughout the reconciliation, one goal I had was to understand my BF better. I made it my personal mission to get better at seeing things from his point of view. At this point, I feel like I could write a dissertation on him!! And there's still so much to learn. So, look at anything she does or says that way. If it's less than positive, see it as an opportunity to learn more about her. Insecurity and defensiveness are your enemies!

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