I need some input

[zippitt]

I have had several posts about my breakup. Though it's not all behind me I have a new problem that I would love some opinions on. It seems women are more willing to overlook physical beauty of ones whole being when it comes to selecting a man. I say this generally because I know some women who are very picky about how a their man looks. I am however totally at odds with myself. I feel like scum because I cannot get over certain levels of physical attraction. I have met a new girl, I don't compare her to my ex. However, I am not all that attracted to her, just enough to keep me interested. Now her personality is just awesome. I finally met a girl that thinks just like I do, she creeps me out because in some ways her ideas seemed to be clones of my own. We have only been talking for a couple of weeks and nothing physical has happened. I don't want it to happen at this point, I don't want to end up hurting her. I say this because she is way into me, a lot more than I am into her. She compliments me all the time...too much to be honest. Do I ride this out and see if I develop feelings for her, or do I break it off now as she might end up getting really hurt? It's horrible, but if I was just was a little more attracted to her I don't think I would have a problem. I don't want to feel this way, I know it's shallow. I could actually see just being a good friend of hers...we do have a lot in common, but she wants more. What should I do?

[SwingFox]

Hi Zippitt,

 

Thank you for keeping us up to date on what you are doing these days. It's good to hear that you are doing somewhat better these days.

 

As for my advice: I would be totally honest with her to start with. If you go into something that you can't follow through, I would call it misleading.

 

One way to act is that you start of as friends. All you have been doing right now is talking. Nothing more! As friends you can see how things develop. May be eventually you will feel more for her.

 

I wouldn't judge yourself how you are in a relationship. That is one of the worst things that you could do. If you feel you need to have a certain level of beauty then that is what YOU need. I would say: "What is beauty anyways?" Actually beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

I hope this answered your question well enough. I wish you good luck on what you decided to do.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[newborn]

I think I know from my experience exactly what you should do. Just be friends!!! Make sure of this and eventually if you can honestly look her in the eye and say, "you are so beautiful, so wonderful, let's take this further" then do it. DO NOT get with her just because she wants it. You will be misleading her. I am currently doing the same thing. I've been dating this girl for almost a year and we are VERY serious. I never wanted it to happen, but she was my first, and she is VERY awesome. I feel like I can't leave her but at the same time I don't think the feelings are there. I have been leading her on hoping that the feelings will come. They haven't come and I feel awful everyday. I know that I'm the only one who can change my situation and I'm trying to do it asap but I just don't know how. I can't get the nads to do it. I am extremely depressed and it is all my fault. I could go on for hours about this. Read my other posts on here for more info. I replied to your message and I'm the one that needs help!!! If there's anything I know it's this: Do not mislead her. Communicate with her everything you are feeling and everything you have said on this fourm. And somebody please help me People say to talk to her and tell her the truth about how I feel, but at this point that's impossible because I don't even know how I feel. I just need time to myself. Thanks.

[cookies]

well newborn, u have to let her know that u need time to urself at the moment...and go from there to sort things out in ur mind...

 

zippit,...its ok, this happens alot to some of us. This can probably be one of the most nourishing friendships one can have,...is when u have this kind of connection but the attraction isnt there...Id say to remain friends, and just try not to allow ur feelings to develop, as well as let her know that you love and care 4 her as a friend, and want it to cherish a friendship, while wanting nothing more because u see her as a sister, versus in any kinda other way...

 

Last night at church, the pastor was touching bases on this same topic, which touched at home with me. Sometimes we go out looking for the perfect mate that we find attractive, and can be the worst thing 4 us, when beauty is really in the eye of the beholder...the person we find that may have a few minor physical things we dont like (example pimples, a little xtra fat etc) could be "The one" 4 us that completes us...but he went on to say...these things can be FIXED...

 

Our prerequisites sometimes overshadow the most important factors is what we find in the person overall, versus worrying about what our friends or others will say about this important person in our lives. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder,...and i feel that its very important to be at your best physically, mentallly & spiritually to attract the likeness of the opposite sex into our lives...

 

good luck,...ur not alone...cuz im still searching..and i have the SAME hangups....but i do want to be able to roll over each morning, and look at a man that brings a warm feeling accross my heart, makes me feel beautiful inside,... complete...and that i can see myself growing old with for the rest of my life...

 

cookies

[simulacra]

I agree with newborn. If you love her in that way, you will realize one day out of the blue that she is beautiful on the outside as well as on the inside. That should be the point when you can approach her to take the friendship further. I personally believe in mere exposure effect. Someone that I find to be okay or not so good looking at first can grow into someone whom I find the most exquisite beauty in through time. That happens through fostering the other aspects of a relationship. And that's what you are doing right now, so if it is right, the feelings will come naturally to you. You will love her completely. If there is any doubt or question in your mind (ie. if something is incomplete in the way that you want to love someone), then you should just be honest to yourself and to her that she doesn't fulfill all your requirements for a romantic relationship.