Ex coming back

[spatzcolumbo]

So we all want to know the stories of people who have actually got back together, but reading some posts recently, i got to thinking about how long it takes people to get back together. I'm interested because i have basically given up thinking that my ex could come back. I still want her to, but realise it is not likely. HOwever, i then heard a few stories about people who have split for a year, and then got back together. I realise there is no point in asking for 'an average', but i'm just wondering of other people's experiences - how long has it taken you to miss an ex, or for the ex to miss you. How long has it taken for them to swing around and come back...if they have!!!

 

I just find it interesting because you hear people saying "a couple of months" but then in actual fact in the grand scheme of things 6 months to a year isn't really that long if it ends in getting back together and staying together.

 

Raiders posts recently (which have fuelled a lot of disucssion) got me thinking, and i just thought i'd see if anyone has any stories of time spans it has taken.

 

Not that there seem to be THAT many success stories knockin around on here!!!

 

Cheers

Spatz

[Emotional]

hey buddy! well me n my ex i broke up with him over something retarded n we agreede to stay friends like about 2 days later he asked me back out ..lol it was pretty simple n then he broke up with me like 2 weeks later lol..but i believe that u can get ur ex back just dont try lol..it worked for me but now i want him back..were playing tenis pretty much..we chase after eachother

[DaisyB]

I've heard anywhere from two weeks to five years. I know several couples, though, who got back together after breaking up for 6 months-1 year. I would guess (although Raider won't find my methods very accurate!) that this is about average.

[Eeyorevp67]

Well, me and my ex been off and on some many times. And she the one always coming back to me. She has left me 3 times, always coming back claiming that she really love me and miss me a lot. No matter how many

times she hurt me so bad, i always was there for her. Then she left me

again, and i just couldn't take anymore. As much as i love her, i just had to let her go no matter how much it hurt. I let her go to find what she was looking for, cause she sure didn't love or want me. So i started the no

contact, to heal and try to forget about her and move on with my life. She left me in Sept 2003, and 3 months later (like always) started calling me, e-mailing me, sending me letters saying she was sorry. But i didn't respond back to her cause i had enough of her BS! It's been 8 months since i had no contact with her, but to this day she still calling me. I guess she thought i was going to be there waiting for her like always, but not this time. She never appreciated all i do for her and took me for granted. And now wants to come back, but for how long before she left me again? No, thanks!

[LMTT]

A friend of mine split up with her boyfriend for seven months and it looked like it was permanent..I guess it was one of these 'we want different things out of life' issues which couples go through when they're in their mid-late twenties/early 30s, but within seven months they were back together and have stayed together. Another friend of mine was on and off with his girlfriend with alarming regularity over a two year period, but they recently got married. So really, I guess there is no answer to that question.

 

My ex and I split up in early Feb which broke my heart completely. I tried the 'no contact' thing but we ended up getting in touch with each other every few weeks. Now we're at the stage where we've overcome the post-relationship awkwardness with one another, we've been on holiday together recently, we spent last weekend together, we're in touch by email several times daily, I've told her I love her and vice versa, we miss one another, we're making plans to spend more weekends and holidays together and we have plans to do things together for months to come. So...I'm not sure where we are heading. At the moment we are somewhere between being best friends and being a couple, and if we get back together I guess we may end up looking back on this as just one of those hiccups that all relationships go though. If we don't get back together then each of us has a very very special friend. But really, we're taking each day as it comes, not pressurising one another and just concentrating on having fun and being ourselves.

[fantasia2004]

What I want to know is do people ever get back together despite the begging pleading and etc. And then stopping for awhile later coming back to each other, reuniting after a long no contact?

[peachents]

WHAT ABOUT AFTER THE EX HAS STARTED A RSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE??

 

My ex jumped straight into a new rship after we split from a 2 yr rship, they have been together only 2 months but apparently are already planning to get married?!? He was the shoulder to cry on when we were going through a rough patch and used this opportunity to advise her she was better off without me etc etc.

 

Any ideas from anyone on these situations i.e how long these types of rships usually last and if exs come back?? Anyone else familiar with this? Any storys positive or negative are welcomed.

 

Thanks guys!

[fantasia2004]

WHAT ABOUT AFTER THE EX HAS STARTED A RSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE??

 

My ex jumped straight into a new rship after we split from a 2 yr rship, they have been together only 2 months but apparently are already planning to get married?!? He was the shoulder to cry on when we were going through a rough patch and used this opportunity to advise her she was better off without me etc etc.

 

Any ideas from anyone on these situations i.e how long these types of rships usually last and if exs come back?? Anyone else familiar with this? Any storys positive or negative are welcomed.

 

Thanks guys!

 

 

 

Same thing happen to me and I am wondering the same dsamn thing as you.

[BigSyke]

you guys, i am in the same boat as you peachents! I havent seen any info on this kinda situation? she used to defend me when this guy would talk smack about me, but then she would give in and say stuff against me aswell because he became a shoulder to cry on, and he took advantage of that. She asked him out a week before she dropped me. Im am soo glad you guys that she cussed me out and made it appear that her new man is god. This was simply the best thing to happen in a while because for like a week i actually was glad i dont have scum like her. And i think that you need to look at it like that, they left you for somebody else, why would they come back and if they did, you will NEVER trust them again. I have been soo happy that the script was flipped, and now the balls in my court, she cussed me out, and i said hey bia.... dont ever talk to me again peace, but in a more professional manner, she emailed me back sayin she was sorta sorry, but her man still tops jesus. Well im happy and she will NEVER hear from me agian. I will move up the ladder for sure, and already have a lineup for the summer (rosters hehe). I think the hatred part is the best stage, because i dotn think of her as much, and its only been a month and a half. Wish you guys would do the same, end it all, you will find better.

[shockeddismayed]

The couples I know who've split and then rekindled things most recently were all in their late twenties... all had been dating for a LONG time (>4 years).

 

The splits seemed to be triggered by the marriage issue. Either shortly before (but after making serious plans) or shortly into the marriage.

 

In these situations, the breaks lasted from 2-6 months. In these situations the dumper was usually looking "for space" and after finding it figured out that they were throwing away an extremely important part of their life. Of course for every couple that got back together I can think of many who didn't.

 

In the early twenties (while people are often still in school), I saw many longer breaks (and many, many more permanent ones). Both sides are busy... meeting new people and no-where near (usually) the marriage age. If you find yourself in this situation, it might be wise to date others and expect a long break... too much of life is happening all around you and you don't want to miss it if nothing happens with your ex.

 

As for the issue of "someone else" being involved. It really depends. If there was infidelity or an actual relationship develops, I would imagine it decreases the chances of working things out DRAMATICALLY.... not only b/c the dumper might be happy, but b/c the dumpee often can't get past the resentment... and at times the dumper can't get past the guilt. However, many couples right the ship... but I think it just takes longer... again, decreasing the likelihood that both parties are still in contact or get back in contact in order for it to work.

[dikaia880]

Oh Spatz my good friend...what a thread to start...

 

UNFORTUNATELY...This/these are questions none of us can answer.

 

I have heard of people gettting back together after years, or days, despite whatever may have happened between them in the past...

But does this help any of us? NO!!! The only thing that matters to each of us is our own particular situation, and while other's experiences can help us, comparing those experiences to our own is simply comparing apples to oranges... i.e. this is what happened to my friends oranges so your apples will do the same thing...

 

I hate to admit this, mainly because I would love to have answers to my situation, Spatz's, and everyone else's that I have followed for the past several months...I am constantly on here asking why, how, when...in fact I'll probably post a thread like that right after this...

 

SO here's what I'm getting at...We each do what we do to make ourselves happy (or at least thats what we should be doing) and our lives will fall back into the place we all want them to be (whether with the ex, someone else, or we decide we don't want anybody)

Time has all the answers....Just like hope, time is a double edged sword...

 

It is hope/time that helps me, it is hope/time that is killing me...

Sorry if this was tangent to Spatzy's original post, but I wish all of you the very best, there is seldom a person I see posting here that I don't feel deserves the things they want out of life...I hope you all (and I) find that soon...

[spatzcolumbo]

Don't get me wrong, i'm not looking for any answers to my OWN situation, and i realise it doesn't actually help me in the slightest, but i just thought it would be interesting to find out some thoughts on this.

 

i guess its one of lifes little mysteries really - something that will only become apparant over time!!

 

But it is interesting to hear people opinions on this.

 

If nothing else i think this can go some way towards helping people work out how they want to handle things. Some people only hang around these boards for a month or 2, as that is how long it takes them to move on. Others (like you and me Dikaia) are here for much longer. I am currently trying to decide whether to try and get myself into a mindset that will allow me to be distant but friendly with the ex, with the view of moving on without giving up all hope.

 

I guess part of the reason of this post is to try to guage the kind of time periods that other people have experienced. Its just because i was thinking about how it feels like a long long time since we split, but in actual fact, 5 months is not always that long!!! I go through stages of being fine, then being not so fine...some days i don't think about it, other days i just get random flashbacks to great memories and they make me feel sad. Who's to say this doesn't happen to the dumper as well as the dumpee??

[determined]

Spatz

 

I'm lurking around here nearly every day but I don't comment as much. I'm still thinking of my ex and it's now 7 months...eeek!

 

However, I'm just trying to keep busy and I'm quite buzzed up about the girl next door which I was telling you about, however, this is potentially really dangerous as I like her a bit too much too soon.

[spatzcolumbo]

yeah, i think i know how you mean, hence my reluctance to get involved in anything at all at the moment - i know what will happen - i'll get in too deep too soon, thinking all is well, before suddenly realising (once it is too late) that i'm doing it for all the wrong reasons!!

 

I don't particularly like the idea of screwing someone up as much as i have been screwed up by this whole situation.

 

But i guess ultimately the point of this post was to give me some idea of other people's experiences in this situation. And i know the only reason for me to do this (and its a stupid reason) is to give me that little bit of hope that all is not completely lost, and to make me feel like i am going about it right by trying to move on whilst still realising that people do still get back together, even after 5 months apart!! The fact that people have said about 6-12 months does give me reason to at least feel slightly positive!!!

 

I think??!!??

[dikaia880]

Spatz...

Okay...I do know where you were coming from...we both, and I'm sure everyone else is looking for something we can hold on to, any little shred of hope...We all have it and want it...

Heres my thoughts...

Every relationship ends for a certain reason...in general we can class these reasons... For example...one person needed space or one cheated on the other...But when we get down to it there are always differences in every relationship from things that were said during the break up to things that were said when the two people were falling for each other...humna emotions can be so chaotic that other's experiences can't really help us all that much...with that said...If we were able to take every relationship that has ever occurred in the past, oh say, century accross the world and were able to put them into time frames of when they got back together (if at all) the results would be so ambigous that it probably wouldn't help much...and I think we would find that most relationships never get back together...does that hurt the odds that any of us might get what we want? I don't think so...it's possible that we all get our ex's back, or that none of us do....In my mind, the nature of relationships do not allow for playing percentages...that is to say I don't think if it was shown that, for example, 30% of relationships get back together after 6 months that we could apply that to those on this site and expect to get the same results...

 

My Friends, some of us will end up with our ex's some of us won't...I wish we could all get what we wanted, but I doubt that will happen...All we can do is live to better ourselves as people, be happy as we can, and do what we can to win our ex's hearts (coming here for advice helps) and pray to God for happiness....

 

Best of luck all!

[determined]

I don't think I like this girl for the wron reasons. I've been single for 7 months now and I'm pretty comfortable with it.

 

When I say too much too soon I guess it's due to pent up companionship as opposed to filling the void my ex left. What I mean is that this new girl is pretty much perfect and fits in great exactly where I am and how I'm thinking, she lives next door for god's sake how convienient is that!

 

When we are together I never (despite earlier accusations in my last post) think or compare her to my ex, her humour is quite advanced as is her conversation which pretty much keeps me engaged in her as opposed to hmmm she better because of this this and this.

 

I can quite honestly say and I think you of all people will experience this too spatz, is that when someone as engaging as this girl comes along, and they do if you don't hide from them, you respect them a hell of alot more than your ex. I found this breeds self respect also and from that you think pah, my ex left me, she hurt me, I'm happy now and I actually am warming to the fact that I would turn my ex down if she came back whilst I with her.

 

My point being is that being by yourself is really really important, hence being single 7 months. Making yourself available to date, find, fall in love again with someone new is also important.

 

It's not like our exs hung around to "heal" but we did so when they come back after we have finally become happy that's when things get sticky mate, that's when you'll have to make that major call on whether to go with something great new and possibly prosperous or go back to the history with which you will still naturally hold established feelings...in summary...this bit is the easy part and should be fun. Don't look at this as a bleak time but complete uncertainty, mrs right could be right around the corner, or the best time you've ever had and somwhere along the line you will cross paths with your ex.

 

I am really buzzed up about this new girl, we've been out together about 5/6 times but I wont even kiss her man!!!! It's all fun and flirting but one thing my ex has taught me is slowly slowly catch the monkey and I'm especially petrified of rejectiom right now, but the abyss is a hell of alot more sexier than 7 months of depression.

[spatzcolumbo]

Dikaia - i agree that 'playing the percentages' in relationships does NOT work...an is certainly not something i am trying to do. I just wanted to know what other people had experienced. For the sole purpose of helping me to understand that just because x, y, and z has been said or has happened between my ex and me, there is STILL the chance that things could work out.

 

I find it useful to know opinions on this as i've never been on the other side - i've never been on the side who has dumped someone and then started to miss them X months down the line.

 

So i kinda wanted to get an idea of what other people have experienced. I got to thinking that often (and not wanting to insult anyone on this site) it is the less serious (and perhaps younger) relationships that get back together immediately - after a week or two of no contact. I think that these kinds of breakup are more likely to happen again later down the line. I do not believe that a 'breakup' can be solved so quickly - the underlying problem will still be there. Either that, or there was never a deep relationship to break up in the first place.

 

i am fairly sure i will get some contrary opinions to this.

 

I also believe that there is every chance that should there be another relationship involved, then the time scale will stretch out even more, but with it there will be a certain decrease in the chance of a reconcile. On the other hand, we can look at the idea of the 'honeymoon' period of a relationship. I have often thought that the 'honeymoon' period lasts between 2 and 4 months. After this, things start to become settled, and less exciting. So, for example, assume your ex meets someone new, and you know that they were single for at least 6 weeks after splitting up...Lets then say that they meet someone, date for a few weeks, and then start a relatiopnship proper. So the relationship 'proper' starts at about the 2 month mark...now lets assume that the 'honeymoon' period is 4 months - after all they want the high of a new fresh relationship, which is different to the the 2 of you shared....so this takes us up to 6 months post-breakup...which is when the rot starts to set in...maybe things are not as interesting...and maybe the comparisons between you and the new person are becoming more frequent...the everyday stuff is being compared, and maybe YOU are coming out on top...this might go on for a couple of months, and before you know it, you're 8 months post breakup, and then they REALLY start to miss you. Whether anything happens or not is another question, but you can see the basis around the idea. i think its quite interesting to look at it this way.

 

Anyway, rambling now, but i'm sure some of you will have some views!!

 

Oh, and Determined, i agree, being on your own IS important to show you that you can get back into shape mentally and so on...but i know that i WILL meet someone eventually, but i'm happy to not force it at all...it kinda comforts me in a way that my ex has gone out and found someone else because i am pretty sure of the chances of meeting someone that soon and having the same kinda connection and love that we had between us is VERY unlikely!!

[fantasia2004]

I just wonder why they find someone so fast right after breakups?

 

are they really healing?

 

honeymoon over

[dikaia880]

Okay I'll give you the thought Spatzy, Lord know's I've done it and do it all the time...

 

Determined...I noted one thing on you post, if I knew how to quote I would but you mentioned that it's not like our ex's hung around to heal and I have been thinking lately....

 

When she broke up with me she called me constantly (more than when we were together, and she could say all she wanted about 'us' but when I brough it up she got upset...

So I worry sometimes that maybe, I was there for her too much...I helped her get over me (I don't know if thats true) but I definitely helped her deal with not being together...I saw she was hurting, she would call because she wanted to hear my voice, I gave her what she needed...not because I was being a push over (even though thats probably how it came accross) but because I love her and I didn't want to hurt her by cutting her off...maybe if I had I would never have had to find this site...

 

It hurts when I think about all I gave her, after the break, and I hope that in doing so I made more of an impact (i.e. she someday realises how good she had it with me)

 

Time does heal all wounds, but some take forever...and I am scared that I never truly get over this one and it puts fear of love in my heart...I do not want to get old wondering what could have been...It would have been easier if she had just been horrible to me...

[mlchildr]

Fantasia

 

I really don't know why they find somebody so fast. Me and my ex were together and broke up on my B-day. Three days after that he was with someone else. He wasn't just dating this girl they were practially living together in three days. Talk about fast. He has came back twice but ends up going back to her. I asked him how he could get into a relationship so fast and he said he knew that he would come back to me if he didn't. I know that if he wasn't with this new girl we would be together. I feel like it is something that he is going to have to figure out for himself. I think also it is the easiest way for them to move on. I don't believe that they forget about us and like everyone says they come back when you have moved on and are over them.

[dikaia880]

I've been thinking more about this....

 

I don't know if they necessarily come back once you've moved on...sometimes they come back before, sometimes right when you are moving on, other times when your so far on with your life you kinda think...awww thats sort of sad their trying to get me back...

 

I'll bet most ex's at some point or another miss their ex and think back at the good times and call the dumpee up...it's what happens at that point that determines whether the two end up together or not...

Everyday I wonder if she thinks about me...well even though I can't convince myself of this...She has to think of me from time to time, probably at some point everyday I run accross her mind...but it doesn't change things...

The ex always comes back, but they don't necessarily come back because they want to start it all again...sometimes they do though...

[GeeCee]

Spatz

 

I think that I have said this before: this site offers a great source of support in times of need for all of us, but it can also unintentionally offer support and hope where there is very little.

 

I know that I can speak freely with you Spatz, and I think that this type of thread gives hope where there is none. It has been said again and again, tht the nuances of relationships are all individual. So it is almost irrelevant HOW OFTEN exes come back - does not mean that yours or mine will, or indeed whether we will want them to when and if they do. Questions like this can never be answered, and second-guessing them only holds us all back.

 

Of course SOME exes will come back, and the relationships will flourish. SOME exes will not come back and both or either parties will flourish with someone else. SOME exes will come back and one or other of the parties will leave again.

 

WHO KNOWS?!?!

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Hehehe i think i'm banging my head up against a brick wall here - i am not fussed about WHETHER they come back or not, just interested in those who DO come back, how long it takes them.

 

Anyway, there we go!!

 

Kinda mashing this together with another thread (i think raider's post), its interesting how these situations maybe have an effect on us in the way that Raider suggested childhood events might influence our behaviour in relationships when we are adults.

 

I go with what Dikaia said in that it scares me that this will get to me so much that i will find it hard in my next relationship because i will fear the rejection / fear this whole situation repeating itself...not a nice thought.

[fantasia2004]

 

 

Are you for real ? That is just not possible all the time!

 

 

Really well I must be missing something here!

 

But are they happy and do they work out

[bexcelant]

ok..Spatz. kudos to you for beginning this thread. I find it very interesting especially the thought processes that must be running through your ex's head. I too wonder especially when your ex just breaks up and then turns around and calls you and then proceeds to do what I call the waffle dance where they waffle around coming close and then backing off. Like what is up with that?