this guy tried to rape me. what will i do now?

[QTpie87]

okay,

 

so last night i went on this americane singles thingy to see if i could make some new friends in the area, it wasn't to try and get dates because i really like this other guy, but anyway i started to chat with this dude and he like was all well wanna hang out, but i made it clear to him that i didn't want any date type stuff because i like Zach from my sisters house, and he was all okay, we can just hang out. so i ended up meeting him and before you know it he was begging me for kisses and all that, and i told him no, first of all no because if he had any respect for me then he would remember that i liked another guy and i told him no dates, and second because he was 28 thats way too old for me, but he ended up trying to get all over me , and he was stronger then me so he did, and i was yelling at him, and i made him take me home, but i feel so violated. i feel grossed up and i feel like no matter how much i clean myself and take showers and that i wont get his disgusting spitty lips off of me. I am worried that he will not leave me alone now, because he saved my # on his cell phone when i called him. im such a dumby, im afraid now though, how can i get his # blocked, what will i do.AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!!!!!!!! i feel like a slut even though i told him no and tryed to get away. how could i have been so dumb?

[avman]

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

I'd tell your parents what happened. I would think they would be incredibly supportive of you and help advise you what to do. Please remember you are NOT to blame for this. As soon as you said no, this guy should have stopped. And being 28 he certainly should have known better. This is not your fault ok?

 

I'd really tell your parents QTPie. This really should be brought to the police as this man has assaulted an underage girl and there are serious penalties for that. None of us want to see him do this to anyone else either.

 

We're all here for you for whatever you need.

 

avman

[The Morrigan]

If you're not comfortable approaching your parents, try a counselor whether at school or somewhere else, or any other adult, aunt, uncle, anyone, you're comfortable talking to.

 

You didn't do anything wrong here - you told him you didn't welcome his attentions, and he FORCED them despite that. That's sexual assault. No guy (or girl) has the right to try to force another to participate in any sexual act, or ANY act, without consent.

 

I've been there - except with me it was saying I'd go to lunch with an older co-worker when I was 18 - he was 30. And he tried to force me to go parking, and since I was driving took advantage of that to have his hands and mouth everywhere despite me telling him I was only interested in LUNCH. His response? He'd already eaten and he assumed I wanted him! This despite the fact he knew I had a bf at the time. He actually had the nerve to tell me he knew I "wanted" him and was just being coy, even though I'd only spoken to him in passing previously. I went to my mom and the personnel department - after flooring the car and telling him I'd go faster til a cop pulled me over if he didn't quit. He was pissed as hell, but it cooled his jets - especially the talking to he got that he was on probation.

 

Since this is outside of work, yes, report his sorry butt. Guys who think they're entitled to take what they want this way are often of the mindset of "she's playing hard to get, but she really wants it, I know she does" and his behaviour is likely to repeat with someone else if he doesn't get a reality check.

 

You had the presense of mind to yell and fight back instead of being too afraid to - give yourself some credit for being able to get out of the situation, and report him before someone who doesn't have the guts to yell and fight him hard ends up in your position with similar or worse results. Don't be ashamed - you acquitted yourself well, he didn't get what he was after, and you got yourself off his menu, which is more than many manage.

 

Take heart, you're not responsible for him being a neanderthal, and most guys would be appalled by his behaviour and sympathetic to you - so be proud you handled it as well as you did, and put the responsibility for his behaviour where it belongs - on him, not you.

[sebaot]

Oh, and good luck! We're all here to support you, and I think we'd all feel damn proud if you turned him in.

[Ingrid]

Depending on your age, you may try to sue him in civil court and get some money out of him. Often times, the "People" or the police does not have the ressources to fight rape. They have overworked attorney, who barely have the chance to read the cases before court.

 

In criminal court, his lawyer will say you are a whore and will find out everything about your sexual life and add some inventions to portray you as a whore. If you have been sleeping around or if you take drugs, you will loose all your credibility and you will have very slim chances. You will probably end up loosing and getting a terrible ordeal.

 

If you have always been a good girl, steady relationships, no drugs, good marks, then you have a chance to win in criminal court.

 

If you want to sue in civil court, your lawyer will find out whether he is a rapist and you will have more chances.

 

Good luck!

 

By the way, don't get over traumatized by the rape, it seems to be quite common. I have a male friend who got raped by a woman. He was too drunk to go home, so he went to her house. The next day he felt violated too and he took a 2 hour long shower. He couldn't get out of the shower.

[avman]

Ingrid,

 

That's not accurate. Rape shield laws prevent lawyers from portraying the victim of a rape in that kind of light. Especially an underage victim. And this applies to both criminal and civil court. Even the victims name will not be listed in public court documents.

 

By the way, don't get over traumatized by the rape, it seems to be quite common.

This comment I cannot believe. Rape IS traumatic. The fact that it is common does not make it any less traumatic, nor any easier to heal from.

[The Morrigan]

One of the main points in pressing sexual assault charges is to at least try to not only make a stand for yourself but protect future victims. And the courts have come a long way in at least attempting to encourage victims to have a voice and be willing to make a stand, which is what the rape shield laws are for - one of the reasons for so many repeat offenders are the many women who are too ashamed or afraid of what might happen, how they might be viewed, if they DO come forward.

 

Different people are traumatized to different degrees - but just because it's WAY too common doesn't make it less of a horrible experience. I was raped many years ago - and I still carry some trust and confidence issues TODAY, not because I WANT to, but because despite talking through it and working on it, it's a vivid memory that can't ever be completely wiped clean, only accepted, lived with, and tried to be gotten over as much as possible.

 

Watching people die in war is common - does that mean it shouldn't be traumatic???

[Ingrid]

To Avman:

 

PORTRAYING OF VICTIMS :

 

I am very glad to hear that in the US, rape victims are not portrayed as "working girls", because here in Canada, that is still the case. Then, if there is no risk she will get humiliated twice, violated twice, first by the rapist, and secondly, morally violated by the rapist's lawyer, then for sure she should go on with prosecution.

 

The only reason I proposed civil court is because the standard of proof is lower than criminal court. It is easier to get a conviction and, in Canada, she would get represented by a lawyer, instead of an over-worked prosecutor (by the way, I really admire those lawyers who chose to fight for justice and to represent victims).

 

WHY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE IT LIGHTLY

 

I have a few friends who were raped on first year college and I noticed that the ones who took it more lightly did not suffer as much depression and long term consequences as those who took it more seriously.

 

Particularly two male friends of mine that were raped by men got back on their feet very fast compared to the girls. They just did not allow this event to affect their lives. On the contrary, the girls who did take it very seriously, especially the ones who went on with the prosecution, do still display rather self-destructive behaviour.

 

The reason why I said that rape is fairly common is that the dance club of the first university I attended was closed because "there were too many rapes" - rather scary. That is the main reason why a number of colleges do have foot patrols.

 

However, you're right, I am no psychologist, and I don't have a direct experience in the matter : I don't really know how an instance of rape can affect people, while I know that long term rape is extremely destructive (my best friend lived this for many years). I was just trying to be helpful. I guess I should have provided more explanations in the first time.

 

CutyPie87 : I wish you the best. Get back on your feet, girl. I hope all this discussion will help you make the best decision.