I hate myself and want to die

[Stinkweed]

The reason I say that is because I screw everything up. I'm a procrastinator, and I have no confidence in myself. I hate myself. There is this girl I haven't been able to talk to and I know that this weekend, like last weekend, will be full of anguish and despair. I can't do anything right. The worst part is that I think some other guy is after her. I don't think he is superior or something, but it's just that it seems as if I had a sign that said "anti-everything" in my face, because I just know she would prefer him over me. I just don't care about anything anymore. I know that smoking dope is bad, but I envy the people that find their escape that way, because I don't smoke. Why does everything go so well for some people but for others, life just seems to be hell on earth? I know it's my fault, but it's so hard to change. The worst part is that dying wouldn't produce any satisfaction for me, because the fact that I didn't even try to talk to that girl and find out what she thinks about me makes me feel so pathetic. It would be like running away from a fight. Running away is much more humiliating than actually loosing, because at least you tried. But the problem is that I can't even try to loose. Man, it just sucks to be me. I am moving away, and even though I can't picture myself in the future (I feel as if I had no future), I just know, that if I don't die, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering about this. But even if I talk to her, what would that lead to? What would be the next step? There is nothing. I don't think I should even waste my time posting this, because no matter what I do, the results will inevitably not be what I want.

[Caldus]

I know that you have probably heard this many times, but you need to try to focus on being more positive. I know you say that it is hard for you to change, but you are digging yourself into a deeper hole by condemning yourself like that. Surely you have some good traits about yourself. I know that I am beating a dead horse here, but positivity really is key. Without the incentive to try to be happy again, you probably won't ever be happy again!

 

It sounds like that one girl is making you have some of those thoughts. So you are moving away from the whole city? No matter where you live, there will always be a good chance that you will find another girl that you like. Before you even start pursuing girls though, I would have to suggest that you try to work on yourself first. No girl is going to want to listen to your problems in life. They don't want to hear that kind of stuff from any guy (unless they are willing to give advice of course).

 

So stop being so hard on yourself and think on the positive side of things and see where that will get you. There's a good chance that it will get you much farther than self-condemnation. I wish you luck on the situation and please don't say things like that to yourself. What benefits does condemning yourself entail? I hope this helped.

[Stinkweed]

But what should I do? This self-hatred hasn't always been in me. I "developed" it this year, and it's because of many reasons (not just about the issue with the girl). Well, it seems that I just can't fight destiny, so I won't even bother trying to talk to her (so many people have said that I should, but why?). But, I still hate myself. In fact, there is no battle to fight, and I have no goal, so I guess that now I can die in peace. I don't fear physical pain, but I'm worried about my family. I just want to disappear, so I won't give them a hard time.

[Knightmare365]

Never mind this girl, get yourself sorted before you try to concentrate on anything else. Getting out of the hell hole you live in is very, VERY difficult. Next time you start to put off some task, just do it, get subliminal audio stuff off the net to help your confidence levels. Try Kazaa. get yourself out and about. it will take time but it's going to be worth it. believe me I know what i'm talking about. At least try to act confident, just fake it to begin with. Get that ego built up. It's up to you.

[Caldus]

What you need to do is work on yourself before working on making friends with the girl. You are obviously very stressed and overwhelmed with certain things in life and feel like you have too much weight on your shoulders. You think that there is no way out when in reality there is! Think of this: three years ago (when I was 16) I had much similar thoughts running through my head the whole day. I never talked to anyone about it nor did I have any motivation to try to change myself. It was partly due to girls that I had crushes on and also another factor was simply just depression. So I know a little bit about what you are feeling right now. I ended up running away from home for a day because of how tired I was with my family and other things in life. That was certainly a huge mistake.

 

Why don't you try talking to a counselor at your school about the problem? Or maybe someone else that you can trust and someone that will be willing to help? Don't let these kind of things make your life worst. Do you really wish those thoughts just because you think that you will not "get the girl"? You really need to develop some confidence and figure out what you truly want in life.

[QTpie87]

are you depressed? and if you don't know you should look into it, i don't mean just depressed i mean do you have depression that may be helped with some mild medication. because for the longest time i felt just like you do now and i went to the dr and got some meds and don't get me worng, it is defenitally no happy pill, (some people think it supost to make everything okay, lol) but it will help you cope with things better by evening out a chemical disorder in your brain. now if you get on these anti-depressents then DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM! if you do that then it will really mess with your body and make things way worse. sometimes they can take up to 5 months to really start having a full effect. because you need to change dosages and let you body cope with it. well other then that don't do anything dumb, because no matter how "un arigginal", "familair", "like a load of junk" this sounds, things will get better. things will be worse in parts of your life, and things will be better in other parts. i hope everything works out for you though. and you can talk to me by pming (private messageing) me any time.

so hang in there honey.

we love you,

Qtpie87

[Stinkweed]

shyguy69, I was asking for help, not for a competition on who is doing worse. Like you said, nobody here knows me, and that includes you. I mean, do you really think that what I posted is really all the problems I have? Besides, I do know that there are people that live worse lives than I (maybe you are one, or maybe not). But those people, many go crazy, some commit suicide (a couple of months ago a 13 yr old girl did it in the area where I live) and some are just plain miserable, like I am. When you said "and u gotta sometimes think *beep* everyone else, they donno u, *beep* live ur life and play ur role and stop worrying about playing the role wrong", you were basically telling me that I should blame the others for my trouble. I suck as a human being, and I don't want to wake up ever again, and I don't want to have dreams, but I know it's all my fault, not everyone else's. I really don't care that I don't have friends, because some people aren't interested in me, and I am not interested in them either, and I understand that. But many times I have been given opportunities for many things, and I just stand there and ignore them. My folks have all these expectations about me, but I think they ask for too much, and they definitively don't know who I am anymore. They just don't understand how different I am from everyone else (I am the black sheep, I guess). That's another reason why I am a loner, because nobody is really like me. I feel mediocre because I could have done everything so much better. If I were in your school, you would ask yourself "Why doesn't he shoot himself?". And probably a lot of people say that about you too. My birth is probably some sort of accident. I wish I could be like my brothers, or my parents. But they're so different from me. They are actually normal. They think they can help me, but they have no idea of how wrong they are. Nobody understands me, not even in these forums apparently.

[Caldus]

Not one sentence in that last post had any benefit to yourself. You need to stop doing that to yourself. You really are digging yourself into a deeper hole here. I understand what you are going through but please, ask yourself this first:

 

Am I more than willing to try to solve these issues I am going through?

 

Think about this for a minute and come to a solid 'yes' or 'no' answer. If it is 'yes', then the very first thing you need to do is to stop posting the kind of stuff you are posting right now. You keep saying awful things about yourself when in reality it is probably not true!

 

OK:

 

I wish I could be like my brothers, or my parents. But they're so different from me. They are actually normal. They think they can help me, but they have no idea of how wrong they are. Nobody understands me, not even in these forums apparently.

 

If you take the initiative and try, then maybe you can become more 'normal'. But wait, what is so good about being 'normal' anyway? What defines being 'normal'? Everyone is unique in their own way. Even you are unique. God gave us certain talents. You should try to realize who you really are and live the real you.

 

Oh, and I think I understand (at least to some extent) what you are going through. When you condemn yourself and think negatively all of the time, you will begin to think that way. You will begin to think that you are the only person in the world who has gone through this kind of hell in life. You are absolutely correct when you say that there are many other people who are suffering much worse than any of us here! So say with confidence to yourself that you want to resolve your issues right now. Don't worry so much about the gory details of trying to resolve these issues, but it sounds like you really need to make a committment to yourself to start trying to solve your problems in the first place.

 

I hoped this help. No hard feelings intended. I really do care about your issues and hope that I can assist you. Because I used to be like that and it was so painful.

 

Oh, and it is your choice whether you want to make this committment to yourself. I am only offering a suggestion...

 

Good luck!

[Wendy10394]

I have been through the self-hating phase. Some people will call that low self-esteem. I don't think so. I think it's more because I care too much about what these people think. In this world, there are people who will like you and there are people who don't. I guess what I have learned is to stop focusing on how people affect you or how you look to other people. The key is what is the impact you can make on other people. For example, some people are always extremely popular, beautiful, smart, outgoing, witty, confident, personable. Most of the time, they don't have to make much effort and people just flock to them; they are the ones that are first picked, the ones that are the centre of attention. Then you start comparing yourself to them, trying to measure yourself up to them, wondering if you can ever be as good as them. Time after time, you fail. You cannot be like them, and you start to feel ugly and hate yourself. In addition, a lot of people don't even know you and reject you. Some look down upon you. Others treat you like some non-existent or inanimate object. This happens on a regular basis. So how do I deal? I look beyond how these people are, how they treat me, how they see me, etc. I start focusing on what I can do to make a difference in other people's lives, how I impact them and not how other people impact me. In addition, I stop comparing myself with other people. I accept myself. I accept that I have weaknesses and strengths. For example, I may look ugly according to the societal standard of beauty but I have a beautiful voice. I used to be the one that no one picks, the "left-over person", now I go and find the people who need a friend. If I am rejected, I do not feel bad about myself. It's all about choice. Some people are cold to you for no reason, it's their choice. I am not affected by it because I am not defined by people's reactions to me. I will just say, continue to bring love and kindness to people's lives and do what is important in your heart.

It is what you do that defines you. I hope this helps you too.

[RDW]

This girl is one girl in a million, and I'm sure she is special and different from any other girl, so I think you might ask her what she thinks of you, but be prepared for a NO as well as a YES. The thing is there is alot of girls, and I mean alot of girls out there. I know that you like her and this other guy might like her, but the thing is she is going to do what she wants wether it be she likes you or likes him. The thing is that another girl just like her will show up again. When your angry and having some women trouble you might not think as clearly because your emotions are going crazy right now. I now your not a kid or anything, but I do know that you are 16 and things seem to be overwheming when your that age.

I know when I was 16 I just thought I didn't have a prayer because of my problems. But now that I'm older I have found that those things in the past were nothing, and I'm fine now. Don't smoke weed! You will get worse because you will be lazy and you will tend to think about your problems more in depth. And you will probably end up eating alot food which would probably make you miserable. Just remember that this is just a little part of you life, as you get older you will hit some bumps and rocks and stuff but it all turns out. Remember value your life, and think of who will miss you if you were not here. I think you have a right to talk to her if you feel like it, but make sure your ready for YES and NO answers.

[Shinobie]

Dont worry dead thats what many of us have.I have grown over the years into hating myself too because i most of the time just feel like an ugly depressive basatrd who cant do anything right.I mean that is not totally my fault because i have had friends who have put me down and people who have done the same which has taught me to dislike myself a lot like it was right but iono hope u straighten things out.