Discussion on Infidelity.....

[Tab]

Hi all,

 

I'm new here (be nice) - and after reading through the forum, thought this would be a good place to get some quality feed back on the issue of Infidelity. Also, I realize you are all free to reply to this however you see fit, but if the one sentence reply's of - "It's just plain wrong" or "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" could be kept to a minimum I would appreciate it

 

I'll try and keep this as short as possible... I have first hand experience of being cheated on, my partner of 5 years cheated on me with my (then) best friend. I only found this out after we had separated, but it still hurt like a bitch. Found myself spending every second thinking about the times she stayed out later than usual..etc - and the times she had obvioulsy slept with me moments after having been with him. I got over it with the passing years (as you do). So with that in mind you would think I would be the last person to become involved with someone already in a relationship, but thats what I did. She was infact married, and as far as I knew very happily. We worked with each other and without realising it had become quite close, not the best of friends, but I enjoyed her company, and found myself wondering what it would be like to be with her. We often spoke about Fidelity and she always said she would never cheat on her husband, and if she ever thought that she was getting to the point that she wanted to she would have to do the right thing and discuss the issues with her husband, and see if things could be worked out..... We got together for the first time on a company trip, after a night out drinking things just seemed to happen, we were having a laugh, she was being all clingy and flirty, hanging off my shoulders and talking very close to my face, then we just kissed, then went back to the hotel and kissed some more, and we ended up sleeping together. When we got back from the trip, and talked about what had happened I asked her if she wanted to keep things going between us. After alot of beating around the bush, we decided to just let things happen naturally, which they did, on an increasingly regular basis. Eight months down the line and we are telling each other that we love each other, and things have got quite complicated.... The affair is over with now, ended by her, saying that she needed to try and make things work with her marraige, and carrying on with me wasn't helping (No Sh*t I hear you say). I am still very hurt that it is over as I was truly in love with her.... The point of this rant is alot of things were said along the way by both of us that I would like your opinions on.....

 

Before we got together, I always said that there is more than just one person out there for all of us, and to think that you can't be in love with more than one person at the same time is crazy. I really do believe that just because you fall in love and get married, the exact same thing can't happen again while your married (ie, fall in love again with someone else).. Do you think this is true?

 

Also one of the things she said about her husband is that she just doesn't fancy him anymore, she said he is attractive and she should fancy the pants off him but she just doesn't find him attractive any more. She also said that she still loves him, but more like a brother than a husband, that she cares for him like no-one else, but not in a relationship way. Is this what happens after being with someone for a long period??? do you just have to learn to deal with it??

 

God I'm getting tired now, need to go to bed.... Hope I've not bored anyone to death, hate to have that on my conscience......

 

I'm sure I've more to write but it will have to wait for another time. All comments very welcome.

 

Tab

[StonewallDavis]

This is very normal what you are going through. Welcome to what millions of Americans experience every day. Good news is you'll be o.k. Bad news is that it will take a while. Time heals the wounds.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but you probably were dependent on this "partner"? Could you be happy when you were not around him? Did you lose interest in your friends (not totally, but not nearly as close as you were? I want you to think about that as honestly as you can. If these sound farmiliar then you might need to work on being happy with yourself before you have another "partner". It is easy to find someone that will love you wen you don't want to love yourself, and it feels real and good, but as soon as that person leaves... you are back to normal I had to learn this lesson, but life is 100x better when this "clicks" in your head.

 

Second thing is, it is probably comfortable to you to sit and think about this "partner". Truth is, as much as we want to deny it, we have complete control over feeling good or bad. My mother, father, and girlfriend could die in a car crash tomarrow and I could still be happy. The thing is, we choose to feel bad because we think we should.

 

Tell ya what. If any of this interests you, feel free to e-mail me at "stonewalldavis@link removed". I'd love to talk with you.

[Tab]

Thanks for the reply StonewallDavis, but I think you have replied to the wrong thread maybe. Doesn't seem relevent to what I posted

[StonewallDavis]

Well, I was going to read yours and try and help ya out, but it looked really long and I am tired. So in short, it'll be o.k. Your a miricle (I mean this honestly), ad as long as you believe good things will come to you they will. Every guy wants to have sex, so watch out for them if you want something more. The "nice guy" images are just that NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY! TO find a good guy you need to find a guy that has an ausome relation with his mother and is very manerful. Be careful, although, a lot of these guys don't have personalities. Good luck on your problem! Sorry about the miss-post!

[lisaria]

Hey Tab,

Unfortunately for alot of us when we are in a long term relationship things do get boring and comfortable. Bills to pay, no dating excitement, no illicit sex, just day to day surviving. That's when anything that is different becomes exciting and new and feeling so good. So people cheat. It's wrong and I do believe in karma. I just wish people would think about who they are hurting and if it's worth it.

Lisa