What I have learned from all this!

[drifter]

I am going through what everyone else here is going through as well. I would like to post some words of wisdom I have discovered through all of this.

1) No two situations are alike. The players and situations will always be different. So advice or general rules don't apply to every situation. Not to say advice here isn't worth using. I have used it. I just used what I thought was appropriate to my situation. There is some good avice here. Ultimatley only you know what is best for you and have to decide what is good for you.

2) The no contact rule has some good merits. I like the idea of focusing on yourslef and helping yourself. This is important from day one and no matter if you are in contact or not. In fact why wait till something like this happens to improve yourself. This should be something ongoing for the rest of our lives regardless of the situation.

3) My therapist said something to me after I mentioned the No-contact rule. She said that if you think calling will help "you" then do it. In other words think of yourself and not the relationship. I have applied this and it has worked well for me. I went through a month and a half period of NC but then called. We are meeting next week to talk. Sometimes we need to know things positive or negative in order to move on. It helps bring closure or help the the relationship. Why would I let pride get in the way of a relationship. It isn't about winning it is about bridging the gap between that created the problem.

4) The idea of not contacting someone until after you have gotten over them and dated other people sounds absurd to me. It isn't about seeing other people. At least not to me. I do believe that not talking to someone until you are not a babbling diot is great advice but why would anyone want to get over someone in order to get back with them? Also if they are calling and you are ignoring there calls how does that help? The call isn't the important part it is what is said when you do speak with them is the important part.

5) Going through a divorce (possibly my situation) or a tough breakup is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Find people who support you (family and friends) and lean on them. You would do the same for them.

6) You can't control or make someone feel something. Your emotions are yours and your exs have there own. No matter what you do you can't make someone feel something they don't feel. If they changed there mind to leave you the can always change there mind back. Dosn't always work but you can't really do anything about it. Hence help yourself. Worst case scenario is you become a better person and you two don't work out.

 

As I said this is what I have learned so far (it is not over yet). My advice might not help everone but any or all of it is there for the taking.

[melrich]

Hi Drifter, Your post is spot on. The No Contact rule is to help you help yourself, that is to get over what is hurting you and possibly to stop yourself from saying and doing things you would later regret. Too many people here have corrupted its purpose and think it is a tactic to get someone back. Its not and you are dead right when you say all situations are different and each must be handled on its merits. The advice given in this forum is great and helps a lot but it shouldn't be taken as gospel. Ultimately the individuals involved must respond in the way that helps them get through the crisis they are facing the best way possible. In my case that has meant sometimes having no contact and sometimes having constant contact. It depends on how you feel it is best to handle it for your partuicular situation, taking into account the depth of your feelings, your desperation levels and what you find easiest to help you cope. very good post. well done.

[pip]

Thanks for your post Drifter. You make a lot of good points!

 

I have found this forum really useful, not so much in getting new suggestions from people, but from getting support. For example, if I'm having silly thoughts about calling my Ex, it's good to hear several rational people tell you what you already know. I often know what the right thing to do is, but having those extra voices re-assure you gives you the resolve to stick to 'No Contact'. A lot of people here have really steered me back on track when I've started to wander off it. Thanks everybody

 

By the way, I really do agree with what Drifter says about doing what makes YOU feel good. You *aren't* in a relationship anymore, so you need to take care of yourself. Stop trying to please your ex and do what helps you. You actually need to become a little 'selfish' in a way.