Need some advice from the more experianced please

[just jeff]

As most of you know I received an email from my ex one week ago Sunday stating that her and I are finished; she was changing her cell phone number immediatlly and was "in" love with another man.

 

I haven't tried to contact her in any way, text, phone or email since Sunday, May 1st. I feel the man she thinks she's in love with is a rebound. Last night I was on my land based phone when she called my cell. I didn't answer; I continued talking to my friend. When we hung up I checked the cell. No message but she hadn't changed her number. I didn't bother responding in any way, shape or form.

 

We both visited two chat rooms, since last Sunday I have peeked in once or twice (not under my nickname) and she's there... why would she tell me what she did in the email and yet make herself known too me? I didn't return her call because I didn't want her to say she just called to see how I was. I would appriciate any input to my situation.

Thanks,

Jeff

[Mar]

She may have wanted to see how you were reacting to the news she gave you, considering it was a pretty cowardly way of breaking up with you. It may have been her attempt to further explain what happened, or she may be wondering why it is you haven't tried to contact her. (Which would be pretty unthinking on her part, considering the breakup and how she did it!)

 

I would continue to stick to the no contact thing. She made her bed; now she has to lay in it. If she doesn't like the fact that you're not chasing after her, well, that's just too bad now, isn't it? (And I'm very sorry to hear of the breakup, by the way.) But do what you need to to move on. I wouldn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about reconciling with this girl, considering that she doesn't seem to have a whole lot of maturity when it comes to commitment. Find someone who can give you back what you give them, and love you completely.

 

Mar

[QTpie87]

all i can say is maybe she is confused with the whole situation, if not i totally agree with what MAR said.

good luck.

love QTpie87

[just jeff]

Thank you for the advice; and yes she is very confused. I was her "walking perfection" until I backed off because of situations in life. She asked if I had slept with someone else 5 years ago, right after we met. And like a fool I admitted it, because at that place and time we were not commited.

 

So for 5 years we met 3-4 times a year and were together for 2-3 days; it was like a honeymoon each time. She asked me to marry her, I got cold feet and didn't. My career was important to me and I looked the other way thinking she would always be there... I took her for granted.

 

I have changed drasticlly in the past 6 months; I know how to separate work from life, and I know now if there was ever two people meant to be together it is her and I. I think she's running and wants a safe relationship... one that she can control.

 

I am just confused why she called... I didn't want to hear "oh, I am sorry. I pressed the wrong number...." click... or "wanted to see how you're doing... later"

 

So maybe I am a coward... not my nature I can assure you... I am just trying to move on with my life and if she is in it I would be in heaven... it would take a fresh start.... but I am not going to be a plaything... She isn't going to have her cake and eat it too... no more games.... life is too short... but I do love her more than life it's self...

 

Thanks,

Jeff

[shockeddismayed]

JustJeff,

 

I'm a bit confused.

 

I think I read a bit more about your situation earlier, but after only reading what is in your last post, I think you are making a bit of a mistake.

 

I mean what have you done to show this girl that you want her in your life? You told her no to marriage... you drove her away... you refused to chase... and now you are refusing to answer or return her calls.

 

If she DOES love you, what hope have you given her? Look at it from her perspective.

 

If you can say honestly that you tried to work things out... you gave her all the signals to say you were interested, and that you've worked past your committment fear, then you are doing the right thing. If you haven't... well then... I guess I can see where she is coming from.

[just jeff]

If she wanted to play games with my mind she has. Now a dozen thoughts have went through my brain. Did she call to make up? Did she call to tell me bad news about her family? Did she call just to hear my voice and see if I was ok? Why didn't she leave a message?

 

It's all I can do not to text or call to ask why.... is this normal? Should I do that or continue no contact? Damn I hate these games or relationships... one thing I do know... she is still in love with me and afraid to admit it...

 

Jeff

[just jeff]

[i mean what have you done to show this girl that you want her in your life? You told her no to marriage... you drove her away... you refused to chase... and now you are refusing to answer or return her calls.

 

If she DOES love you, what hope have you given her? Look at it from her perspective.

 

If you can say honestly that you tried to work things out... you gave her all the signals to say you were interested, and that you've worked past your committment fear, then you are doing the right thing. If you haven't... well then... I guess I can see where she is coming from.]

 

 

Long story... what have I done to show her I love her? Well I am in the final stage of a divorce (31 years that should have ended 10 years ago). We had argeed to stay in our marriages until our children were grown; big mistake. Her divorce was final in Dec 03, mine will be by the end of this month. So one-half of my retirement, stock, stock options and accounts....

 

We were both married to others when she asked me to marry her, I wouldn't do something illegel. I didn't know about the other man until it was too late. She said since I had betrayed her love early on as far as she's concerned we were over.

 

She has called almost every night for a month.... not really talking about us or him... I was trying to keep the door open... She has went back and forth... I know she is confussed and I thought no contact would allow her to make up her mind, plus allow me to get over the pain. We are adults and act like teenagers at time.

 

I am moving on with or without her... as hard as it is to do... I can not continue to sit in limbo... I now have the second half of my life to live... and I am not going to blow it...