Won't say how he feels until after a 2 week break...help??

[SumdayAngel]

Hey everyone. I'm new here and this is my first post. I've read alot of the threads and you all seem to be going through similar situations. Any comments/advice would be very welcomed and appreciated. So, that said, here goes:

 

My bf, Derek, and I knew eachother for almost a year before we started hanging out alone as friends last July. We had an incredible time together and seemed to be on the same wavelength. There was undeniable chemistry and about a month later decided to date exclusively. It didn't take long before we realized that we had fallen in love. We were the "perfect couple" and all of our friends were jealous of what we had together. We were inseparable and spent almost all of our free time together. When we weren't together we constantly thought about eachother and wrote eachother letters expressing how much the other meant to us, etc. You get the point. In February he wrote me a letter telling me that he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He said that his goal for the future was to quote "make you a wife who loves to come home to her husband". He said he was so sure of this and that i could have all of him and that his love was unconditional and would never stop. He asked me what I thought of his letter and I told him basically that we were on the same page and that we were on our way to a beautiful life together. So, maybe about a month later he started becoming more distanced. He still said that he loved me and that he meant what he said about wanting us to get married one day. I thought everything was basically ok, maybe I was being ultrasensitive or something.

Derek is a full time college student and a full time photo lab manager, so he is a pretty busy guy. Around December his school schedule caused us to see less of eachother, which was hard to get used to, but now it's fine. I totally understand this and I appreciate all his hard work. I admire him for all that he does and I tell him so often. I work 3-11 shift and with him having to get up early there are several days that we can't see eachother. I have told him that while I wish we could see eachother everyday like we used to, that I know right now it isn't possible with our schedules, but it is a small sacrifice until we can spend every night together, living our lives together...in the future. Despite me saying that, he started telling me that I need more time from him (although I have told him that as long as we keep in touch, that's plenty). He started saying that he can't give me what I need and that he's not enough for me. I always argue that with him, telling him that he's everything I have wanted in a man. These insecure statements started turning into arguments about lack of time together and whatnot....It was like the arguments were having us, not the other way around. We both hate to argue, but yet it seemed like we started having arguments at least once a week, sometimes twice. He told me once that the song "Burn" by Usher reminded him of "us". If you don't know it, check out the lyrics....kinda hurtful. He said the part about there being another girl didn't apply since he only wants me and is nowhere near interested in another girl.

Ok, now the point...On the 12th of this month I told him I love him enough to let him go. He said that just like "Burn" says, he'd do anything to get me back, and that we would only be broken up temporarily and that he didn't believe us to be over. The next day he said he didn't want to consider us broken up. By the end of that week he said he thought we needed to take a 2 week break. Hardly any contact, and that any contact we did have would be initiated by him. That break started on Friday, April 16th. That Sunday he left me an offline message saying how much he missed me. Tuesday night he IMed me saying he wasn't sure that this break could last much longer, he didn't know if he could take it. Wednesday night he told me that he "might be interested in getting back together one day" which kinda threw me. I told him that I'm willing to accept whatever he has to offer. I told him that if he decides that he wants to let go and go our separate ways that I could accept it. I told him that it hurt to look at our pictures, so I had put them away for right now. He got hurt, he actually said that hurt him. He said that it felt like I was excluding him from my life and that it would start small with removed pictures, then the necklace he gave me, then before I knew it I'd be moved on to someone "better". I told him it wasn't like that at all, just that I was trying to let him know there was no pressure on him. He said "well you're on your way to moving on, and you're well ahead of me". Ugh, sorry this is so long....It's Sunday night now. We haven't spoken in 4 days. He text messaged me asking me for my schedule on Friday so we can plan to see eachother on the 30th, but that's it. He told me on Wednesday that he was confused on what to do next, but that knew exactly how he felt about me and that he would tell me on the 30th, but not until then b/c he has to concentrate on studying for his finals. I said "ok, but just know that I love you"

Did I totally screw everything up? I have not and will not try to contact him, so the no contact thing is definitely in effect, obviously. Do you guys, especially men, have any clue as to what he might be thinking or whatever? Any advice on what I should do? I'd kinda like to know if Friday's still on, but should I wait to see if he tries to make plans, or should I text him on Thursday and ask if I haven't heard by then? Thank you for reading this very long post.

 

Mel

[SumdayAngel]

I forgot to mention that in the beginning of our relationship I was a little insecure and doubted him somewhat. At that time it was hard for me to accept that someone could love me the way he said he did. I got over that after we were together for a few months. I started to accept his love and believed he meant every word of it. His actions backed his words up.

Wednesday night, the last time we spoke, he told me he was scared that he would have to struggle to get me to believe him again. I told him that it would be a non-issue b/c now I know him to be an honest man. He told me that our feelings are the same, that we have the same fears, and neither of us knows what we should do. That makes me think that he must still love me. I'm dying to know what he will say on the 30th, but now I'm wondering if we'll still see eachother on the 30th? I wish I could read minds...I know you all can't read minds, but really, any insight would be great. Thanks...

[livingahippyfantasy]

I gotta say: been there, done that.

One thing that stuck out in your post: I told him that I'm willing to accept whatever he has to offer. And I hate to tell you this but it is totally, totally lame on your part. I know from experience what you are going through and please don't forget that all beginnings are lovely regardless of how golden your early memories are with your boyfriend. Ultimately a man who really respects you would not treat you like this, and your ideal man (and mine) would not make you wait until the 30th to tell you how he feels. This type of suspense is a manipulation on his part and most likely this breakup is a test for you. You have to be a strong woman right now and put up with the pain. It is up to you to put on the brakes on this type of behaviour. What would you tell one of your girlfriends if she was in your situation? I implore you to stick to your guns. Make a decision about this relationship, take some time for yourself, have goals, exercise, do all the stuff people tell you after a breakup and don't let him keep you on a string. It is the best thing for you and the relationship regardless if its going to work out or not. Ask yourself if you want to be married with kids and the whole shebang to a man who suddenly needs time out off and on. I think you are letting this guy take the reins on your relationship. Don't forget that you have a say. It takes two to tango. How would your life change if this guy permanently disappeared? Would you be able to go on? You are the engine that drives your own happiness. Reply with any questions you might have. Ciao.

[SumdayAngel]

The only reason I'm not totally peeved about the 30th thing is b/c he told me that when he tells me how he feels about me and what he wants from our relationship that we will be able to have a clean start and "move on on a high wave of love". He said that if he told me when we were on the verge breaking up and emotions were high that it wouldn't mean as much. He said he thinks that the two weeks (which originally was more my idea) will give us a "cooling down" period where we will be able to gain some perspective on the good times, the bad times, and the hopefully future times. I can honestly say there have been many more good times than bad times.

I am fully prepared to let this relationship go...but knowing him, and how he tends to keep his word and usually has a good reason for doing things, i'm willing to give him a few more days before i completely move on. When I told him that I'd accept anything he had to offer, i meant that i would accept a possible reconciliation, friendship, or nothing at all...I did clarify that to him, too. THAT'S what hurt him...he knew that I was capable of living life without him. I think that all that rubbish about me needing to spend more time together, despite me saying that I didn't, was him projecting his own feelings on me. I also think that him talking about fear of getting hurt is pretty stupid, since he's the one who initiated the "let's grow old together" talk and I agreed that we could work toward that together. I'm a pretty strong person, but of course it's hard to let go of someone you love in just a few days. I'm in the phase now, already after only a few days, where I could almost take it or leave it...All I gotta say is whatever he has to say on the 30th better be pretty freaking profound and he better be prepared to back it up or shut up lol

[Spirits Away]

You're very honest with what u posted... I wanted to help but unfortunately, I didn't have experience similar to this... He's sending you confused signals, and as a male, i'm also confused...

 

My reason for posting this u might ask? I can't stand seeing this emotional story and just leave without posting at least some things on here

 

but 30th is 5 days later... you'll know real soon

 

Best luck to you

[Spirits Away]

Ok... i'm starting to capture the feel of this... I think i got some insight now

 

One thing, he doesn't sound much of a decision maker... although it feels like he's doing the decision here. (the situation is kind of strange anyways, don't you feel that he's doing too much of the decisions? Before livingahippyfantasy gave a reply, i was reading the post and the same thing pops into my mind... and it relates to him doing too much "decision") When he showed you the lyric, he's being very indecisive and wants to see how you react to it and sort of hint to you how he's feeling. To some extent, he sound like a typical, wanting to know why things are the way they are type of guy. If i'm not wrong, very very logical guy. In fact, he's so bad in decision making that he might, in 5 days, sabotage the relationship or *reluctantly accept back the way it was before. Either way he's very unsure of himself. His feelings "kind of" changed, but he doesnt' know for sure. So he often wants to see how YOU react, before making any of his decisions. He said he's SURE how he feels about you, but he really doesn't. Why do you think he's stressing point accross? Why do you think it takes 5 days for him to say it? Do you actually think he had it all planned out? He's moving along with his flow of feelings, no logic at all... if you think that he "usually has a good reason for doing things", why phone you when you guys decided to take the 2 week of break? That wasn't reason, that was emotion.

 

 

Remember that i was only trying to grasp into his mood... I don't have experience with the changing feeling thing. what i say can be very very misleading... but since u need just any male's perspective, there it is

[SumdayAngel]

OK. So he IMed me tonight and told me that he thinks most of his emotional turmoil right now is due to stress, not about us or me, but about the finals he has to take all next week. There are 4 total. I can understand to an extent, but potentially ruining a good relationship over school stress, IMO is pretty immature, but whatever. He's still alluding to fears, but he can't pinpoint exactly what those fears are. One thing I didn't mention in my original post is that he is a very type-A personality. He tries to be perfect in all things that he does. Right now his main focuses have been me, school, and work. He was putting way too much pressure on himself. I think he projected that onto me, making it seem like I was demanding too much from him, when in fact, I demand nothing. I'm happy with myself and where my life is going. He is a welcome addition, but not a necessity. I told him that Friday was actually not going to work for me b/c I have to work 2 twelve hour shifts back to back...7am to 7pm and I'm used to getting up at 10 am, not 4 am...lol...so staying up late Friday night having an intense conversation wouldn't be a good idea. He said ok...we'll lay it down on Saturday. I said, cool...that'll work. I wished him luck on his finals and wished him a wonderful week and goodnight, left it at that. He said "you'll know all you need to know on Saturday". He explained that the reasoning behind waiting to tell me how he feels is b/c with all the stress he has with his finals he's afraid he might say something stupid and mess everything up. I can see what he means. He's the type of person who wants to put 110% into everything he does and he can only do that with one thing at a time. He'll have a month break from school, so maybe it'll be a good month. Yet, I can't help but think that once school starts back we may end up in the same boat. Luckily I'm seeing that my life has so much to offer that if Saturday doesn't go how I want it to, life will go on and my prince charming is waiting to claim his princess. Anyways, I still welcome more insight. It's helping me alot, this thread. I think all my typing is making my head a lot clearer. Who knows, at this rate, by Saturday, I might be the one to say...let's move on. 8)

[Spirits Away]

That's awesome, from the sound of it... looks like it's been decided. But I do want to know his reason of keeping a distance from you was. It's interesting to know the ending, plz post his reason after you had the talk

[SumdayAngel]

This is what I woke up to this morning. Surprisingly I'm not a mess of snot and tears.

 

Well Finals are finally over. I am finally finished for a little while. I am sorry that I haven't imed you or anything in awhile. I have been totally flippin out about finals and all. I haven't heard much from you either, I know you haven't contacted me because of finals too. Today is the ending day of our break. I worked 8 to 10 today. There were lots of slow times, and I have been doing a lot of thinking. You are all that I have ever wanted. Your looks, your personality, just you in general all around are everything that I have ever looked for I a woman. You can make all of my dreams come true. I could spend the rest of my life with you, and if not you someone just like you, but no one could ever compare to you. You have made me happier than an other man on this planet in more ways than one. You are a slice of heaven. I guess it is like this ok. I want to be with you so badly, but the things that you are looking for and wanting I am not right now, but when I do think about them I imagine you in my head. I am not looking for a long term mate right now. I don't have the characterizrics in my to settle down now or any time soon. Yeah from time to time I think about it and you have always been the one in mind. I just don't know how to explain it though. I can't picture myself with anyone else, but right now I don't have time or patience to give to someone I care about. I know that is wrong and I am so sorry for telling you all the things that I have ever said. I have always spoken from my heart and told you how what I want. Nothing has changed, but I can't do this. I feel as we have lost so much that we had when we first started dating. I have looked back and analized things over and over in my head. Evertime I think about it and look at what happened, I reallize it was me. That is the hardest thing for me to say. I always would try and put it off on you, but it wasn't you. I just hated being wrong and I didn't want to admit that it was me that was changed and messing up. Instead I put it off on you and made you feel bad. I am extremely sorry for everything that I have done. I have caused you a load of pain and hurt. I just hope that maybe someday we will be able to take another shot at us making things work out, but by the time I am ready to calm down and slow down you will be well moved on. I am sorry for using up so much of your time. I want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart and you will always be on my mind.

Goodnight and Good Bye

 

Now, I have realized during our break that I am also not looking to get married anytime soon. Not for quite a while, actually. Advice, please?

[Spirits Away]

He's young and wants more experience before settling down. Guys don't really think about marriage when they date. Well we do, but not thinking it in a serious way. And once they have seriously considered it, they'll realize that the person they're sitting beside will be with them for the rest of 50!!! 60!!! years! Don't u think that's a scary thought? especially if their parents don't work out nicely, the guy will really be mature and think about if they're a good mate. I'm not saying you're not. But to him it doesn't feel right. He believes in a soulmate and you dont' feel like a soulmate to him. You know what i'm saying?

 

I'm sure you've guessed everything i just said already.... since u mentioned about not pressuring him n that you gave us information about the conversation on marriage... not pressuring him is the right way, it just didn't turn out right in the end...

 

advice? no good advice... sorry... just tell him you love him and leave... it's not haunting you now, but it'll haunt you later and possibily for a long time

 

Whatever you do, don't go the pride way... no vengence no pride... no pride in a way that you r respected so u should leave him... If he calls, just say you need time to accept him as friends. From the sound of it, he's a really good considerate guy. He's super honest with you, so you should not go the pride way with him, besides... girls usually lose the respect the guy had for her when they do anything weird. And even as a friend, u do want him. You might not now, but you will once you settle down with your feelings.

 

That's it... i'm so sorry about what happened to you... When i opened your post on may 1st, i was actually expecting good news... but as he starts out with compliments, i see that's an attitude of a nice guy but a sad story that's going to comes after... i'm sure you sensed that too

[SumdayAngel]

The good thing about the break is that it gave me time to prepare myself for this exact letter. I had a feeling all along that this was what I was going to read. I am not crying, I have not cried, and I don't see myself crying anytime soon. I emailed him back letting him know that I appreciate his honesty and maturity. I extended my friendship to him and told him if it's meant to be it will be. I told him that we are in the same boat with not being anywhere near being married and that I'm glad we both realized this instead of jumping in and regretting it later. I told him that he also carries the qualities of the type of person I'd want to marry.....several years from now. I told him that with everything that we have meant, and apparently do mean to eachother that I am not closing the door on him. I told him that I know he has too much on his plate right now and I appreciate that. I said it'd be a few years before I even want to consider just LIVING with someone else, much less wearing their ring. I told him that if he wants to try the friend thing, that I'll always be here. I also told him that if he can't be friends, or not right now that that is ok too.

We had been seeing so little of eachother the last few months that I've gotten used to him not being around. Being that I was the one 3 weeks ago Monday to tell him I love him enough to let him go, I don't feel rejected or unwanted. I just feel considerate and I'm looking at a bright future for MYSELF. Thanks for reading.

[Spirits Away]

Hey i just read this book and i think you should read it... it's called "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Grey. it'll gives you some insight of what was happening and will confirm that you've done the right thing

[Caldus]

He tries to be perfect in all things that he does. Right now his main focuses have been me, school, and work. He was putting way too much pressure on himself.

 

Sounds somewhat like me (except that I've never been in a relationship). I always feel like I have to get straight A's in every class and always perform the best I can at work. So far I've gotten straight A's in college and hopefully will get them again this semester once it ends, but it's basically taking over my life. I am doing the same thing that he has been doing. I have been extremely hard on myself and putting a whole lot of pressure on myself. Anyway, enough about me. What I think is happening here is that he really is a very considerate and honest guy. It sounds like to me that there is something very unique about this guy. At least in my view, most guys would never act like that. That e-mail you showed was amazing. I could tell that he was being really honest to you about his feelings. You must be very happy and sad about this at the same time. Very mixed feelings I'm sure.

 

I wish you luck with what you are going through!