Codependence Info, It Helps...

[ziggystar]

i like you all have been on this site to help myself understand and get support. i've been through the range of self help books, therapist, friends and family, spirituality readings and websites. All of which helps and is part of the process. I started on this website with the forum on "Getting Back Together" then went to the forum of "Relationship Commitment" to finally "Healing from Break-up and Divorce". And one of the things that i realized is that much of the issues discussed involve codependence. We're human and it's normal to have codependence issues, but the varying degrees of intensity are wide. And this codependence is a cuase of much of our issues, problems and heartache. Here is a site which i came accross that really addresses the issue of codependency with a fair and even handed approach. I hope that you'll all find it helpful.

 

link removed

[Hopingpraying]

I have visited that site, and while some of it makes sense, I also don't agree with a lot of what they say. We all are dependent on someone else, whether it be god, or our spouse, or parents. We are co-dependent. While I agree we shouldn't try to get happiness from others, it still just makes sense that we do get some happiness from them. I mean why else would you be involved with that person. Sure it becomes unhealthy if one of the people in the relationship get their self esteem from the other.

 

I think it just sucks the way they present the information like if your co-dependent on someone else it is this bad thing... Don't like it at all.

[ziggystar]

hey h&p,

 

i know what you are saying. but did you read through the site in it's entirety? there's a section called codependence vs interdependence which explains alot. it does, say what you are saying.

 

 

 

it is in there. that's why i found it so helpful, because it's closer to a realistic point of view then alot of other websites or books that i have read, which tries to blame somebody or is skewed it such a way that makes somebody superior, which no human is superior then another. and beyond that, no one source has all the answers, anyone can get a little bit of understanding from any source. there is no bible. that's why all the above things that i do to get understanding and support helps, whether it be friends, family, therapist, books or websites.

[Hopingpraying]

I had not read that part about interdependence, however, the line between interdependence and co-dependency is a fine one I would say.

 

The reason I have such strong feelings about co-dependency is because my wife started seeing a therapist and thats what she diagnosed her with. My wife took that to mean I was the cause of her problems as far as I can tell and she decided to divorce me. I was like what????

 

She hasn't said that was the reason, but the two happened about the same time... It sucks but I am making it.

[sisterlynch]

I think that you are giving a balanced view of what it means to be co-dependent. The real problem is when you are dependent upon someone who cannot return your love to you in the same manner that it is being given.

 

In a codependent relationship, there tends to be one person who is more forgiving of the problems caused by the person's needs. But neither partner may be willing to admit to having a "problem" to the other, and the other isn't taking them very seriously. They need to down-play the other person to a certain extent to make themself look better. This often is called male chauvinism or being overly dependent upon another.

 

This can happen to all of us in times of extreme pain or need, like if we were in the hospital or if we are being fired or a new person comes along and makes things seem unbalanced.

 

Over the years if one person is the giver and one is the taker, the relationship cannot survive as it is. One person will eventually usurp the relationship, which I mean take it for granted. If you never stand up for yourself or you conversely are always dominating others, then people dont feel like they can trust you and they will start to avoid you or take their own feelings elsewhere.

 

Interdependence is good because there is still the freedom to grow, but you respect the other person's needs and don't take them for granted. Over the years this is hard to maintain, but it must be maintained for the sake of the growth of the two individuals.

[Hopingpraying]

I understand what you are saying Sisterlynch, but I don't know too many relationships that people don't start taking the other for granted at some point during the relationship. I agree that it is not a good way to go, however, the other person should be able to stand up for themselves and say hey I don't like the way you are treating me.

 

I did take my wife for granted, I did do things I regret, but she never stood up for herself. She just let me do it and I thought everything was okay. Until one day she just couldn't take it anymore. I had used up all the punches on my punch card and she was through. Well I was brought up that you say what you mean and mean what you say. She obviously had issues standing up to me and voicing her opinion. Well I can honestly say that since the divorce she has not had this problem so maybe she is getting better.

[ziggystar]

Yes there is a fineline between codependence and interdependence, but there is also a huge difference. Codependence gives all or most of your self esteem into the hands of someone else, where as interdependence, your self esteem mostly resides within you and in your hands.

 

Beyond that, by no means am i saying that for a relationship to happen, it needs to be codependent free. But you can be sure that if problems do arise in a relationship it is due to codependency. My own parents are heavily codependent, but they also came from a different time, different cultural, societal and economic times. Even then my parents came close to divorce after 35 years of marriage. Those standards do not apply now. I was brought up on many things too. Some that still apply, but much that doesn't work. Now more then ever, is the time where we must adapt to those changes, especially with the divorce rate surpassing 50%. Do we keep things status quo or adapt? it seems we have to adapt, because we're all on this forum in a pinch.

[sisterlynch]

Another thing is that you realize now, too late, that what you did was wrong. She divorced you and now she is much better off, so what does that tell you?

 

Do you love her still? Do you want her back? Do you want to have another problem like that in the future?

 

Some people think that the past always predicts the future, but I say that the future is determined by how you think and act in the present.

 

You can say, "they are both wrong, even though they are educated and in strong and loving relationships that seem to work, but I have no leg to stand on, that makes me angry and when I am angry I need to fight."

 

Or you can listen and learn, can't you??

[sisterlynch]

I think when people feel borred or take a relationship for granted, it is normally a communication problem. One is maybe moving forward in the career or social scene and it makes the other one feel left out. So even though he may still be coming home and being with his wife, he may on some level feel like he doesn't need her anymore. She can't read his mind so she thinks that he is just going through a phase, which we all do occasionally. We are taught by the culture that men are always right and never to be questioned, so that is how we treat them -- like we respect them. so do they welcome our respect in return, no-- they fall in love with a coworker or some model or a top basketball player and that is the focus of their life, not the wife whom they've grown tired of listening to or interacting with.

 

You are right that it does happen to everyone. You need to go back in your mind to when things were good, if they ever were, and come to a conclusion yourself as to whether this is a relationship worth saving or if this is a short term affair that is better off over. Then as soon as you make up that choice you must act upon it decisively.

[ziggystar]

hey sisterlynch,

 

i think that might be an overgeneralization of why people take other people for granted. i think people take other people for granted because alot of people want to label things in their lives to feel secure. he's like this, she's like that, they're like this, the world is about this. when in reality, all things are constantly changing. i hated broccoli when i was akid, but now i love it. she use to be timid, now she is boisterous. people just want to tag something and believe it'll never change and don't want it to change. because change is uncertainty. and uncertainty scares the hell out of people.

 

and as far as taught that men are always right, i was never taught that, and i'm a man. but whatever the disposition is, you can bet that a lot of our root issues in relationship, do have to do with what we were taught as children by out family, culture and society. not that we're have to be perfect, but when something isn't working, it's because of that.

[jazbar]

What I have found out about Codependency is this, and I have been there and NOW look back at my past relationships and think "If I only knew then what I know now"!!

 

First off, Take care of yourself more and more because if "our mates" have a certain life style, such as drinking, drugs or even if they are slobs, we become that too, their problems are our problems. This is false because my problems are my problems and your problems are your problems, this is where communication and balance are critical!!

 

Second, be willing to lose to gain! If your mate wants out of the relationship, agree with them and ask them how you can speed up the process and end it. this changes their deposition and you are not begging, pleading or arguing. you have agreed with them and this makes them say "wait a second..."

 

Third, The wet paint syndrome...we see a sign that says "wet paint, do not touch!" what do we do? touch the object that is painted not because " we need to know" because we are told not to do something and we rebel!

We, as children and adults, don't like to be told what to do. as adults, face it, we are grown up children!

 

Fourth, The one with the power in ANY relationship is the one with the least amount of love! If you see two people talking one on one, one will have more love for the other! There are power struggles in marriage, friendships, employment! You need to start observing people in grocery stores, malls, Sheetz or any where to observe this. from my understanding and observations is relationships, men usually have the power but not ALWAYS, ever hear of a hen pecked person? the Hen pecked person has the least power. there is nagging and complaining present there! The hen pecker has the power!

 

Fifth, The one with the power may lose that power in a relationship.

I am here where I am now because the tables turned and she even told me upon breaking up, "it's like the tables turned, and now you are interested in this relationship and i am not..." I had a deep fear of intimacy and tore down my walls but I also gave her my power when I did that! She dumped me yes, but I had to lose her and the relationship to be where I am now! Hot and cold. Come here, go away. clinging and smothering...

 

I have more to this and I feel codependency is a degreeing factor. it is complicated but at the same time simple! We are human and don't want to be abandoned at all costs, whether it's a breakup, divorce or a death!

 

I am not a therapist But I am in pyscotherapy. I have learned so much of myself and others! What I perceived as normal is not normal! take care of yourself, need others to an extent but try not to "need another" to make yourself happy, make yourself happy instead! 8)