What I have found out about Codependency is this, and I have been there and NOW look back at my past relationships and think "If I only knew then what I know now"!!
First off, Take care of yourself more and more because if "our mates" have a certain life style, such as drinking, drugs or even if they are slobs, we become that too, their problems are our problems. This is false because my problems are my problems and your problems are your problems, this is where communication and balance are critical!!
Second, be willing to lose to gain! If your mate wants out of the relationship, agree with them and ask them how you can speed up the process and end it. this changes their deposition and you are not begging, pleading or arguing. you have agreed with them and this makes them say "wait a second..."
Third, The wet paint syndrome...we see a sign that says "wet paint, do not touch!" what do we do? touch the object that is painted not because " we need to know" because we are told not to do something and we rebel!
We, as children and adults, don't like to be told what to do. as adults, face it, we are grown up children!
Fourth, The one with the power in ANY relationship is the one with the least amount of love! If you see two people talking one on one, one will have more love for the other! There are power struggles in marriage, friendships, employment! You need to start observing people in grocery stores, malls, Sheetz or any where to observe this. from my understanding and observations is relationships, men usually have the power but not ALWAYS, ever hear of a hen pecked person? the Hen pecked person has the least power. there is nagging and complaining present there! The hen pecker has the power!
Fifth, The one with the power may lose that power in a relationship.
I am here where I am now because the tables turned and she even told me upon breaking up, "it's like the tables turned, and now you are interested in this relationship and i am not..." I had a deep fear of intimacy and tore down my walls but I also gave her my power when I did that! She dumped me yes, but I had to lose her and the relationship to be where I am now! Hot and cold. Come here, go away. clinging and smothering...
I have more to this and I feel codependency is a degreeing factor. it is complicated but at the same time simple! We are human and don't want to be abandoned at all costs, whether it's a breakup, divorce or a death!
I am not a therapist But I am in pyscotherapy. I have learned so much of myself and others! What I perceived as normal is not normal! take care of yourself, need others to an extent but try not to "need another" to make yourself happy, make yourself happy instead! 8)
