Just not into to

[SerenityIsDeath]

I'm a first time poster on this board. I read through a couple of the other posts and suggestions and thought that maybe this would help me answer, or better understand, what I'm going through right now. My girlfriend and I have been going together for over a year now. We have yet to have sex, mostly because I am uncomfortable with the idea. Anyway, we still engage in oral and manual stimulation. The problem is, actually there are several, is that this doesn't do anything for me. Oral and manual stimulation simply do not feel good to me. And on top of that whenever we are done I feel very dirty and regret ever having done anything. I think the worst part of it all seems to be that I'm not even turned on by my girlfriend. I'm the kind of person that wishes sex wasn't that big of a deal, I could certainly live without it. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

P.S. I'm a 20 year old male, this is my first girlfriend.

[asdf]

out of curiosity, are you attracted to males very much?

[JonnyG]

Well first off theres no need to feel gulty at all. Everyone is doing what u do. Secondly, like the post above said, do u fancy men. Third if u don't fancy men, but fancy women, yet your gf doesn't turn u on, perhaps u should look for some1 else.

[sweetharmony]

okay, are you religious by any chance. Often sexual dysfunction can stem froma religious feeling that sex is dirty and can cause you to be uncomfortable during sex. also, have you ever been abused? you don't need to answer my questions, because i know those are touchy topics, but I think they are psychological and you should see a counselor. You say that your girlfriend doesn't turn you on, perhaps you are attreacted to males? but you said that any kind of sex is dirty and you feel gross, so what you're saying is that any kind of sexual experience doesn't do anything for you.

 

you you ever get turned on by anyone? porno, playboys, any other women? maybe you aren't attracted to your gf and maybe another will turn you on?

[SerenityIsDeath]

To answer some of your questions, no I don't find men attractive. In fact the thought disgusts me. I'm not homophobic, but it's just not my thing. Yes, I was brought up in a religious environment. Not very strict, but I did go to a Catholic school for 9 years. And don't get my wrong, I find my girlfriend very attractive, just not in a sexual way.Now that you mention it, I really don't have sexual feelings for any woman. I might see a girl that is cute, but the last thing I think about it sexual things. I've never seen a porno or Playboy, so I can't comment on that part. And yes, basically I don't find sexual experiences very satisfying. I'd much rather be happy by other means, watching movies with her, talking, etc. I hope this helps.

[sweetharmony]

sorry, just a few questions, because there could be number of reasons. the questions may seem odd, but it will help determine whether you're just asexual or afraid of sexual intimacy. you don't need to answer these on the board, just think about them.

 

do you get turned on by anything and do you ever masturbate or have you ever had an orgasm by yourself? if so, did you enjoy that? if yes, you may be afraid of being intimate w/ another.

 

Did your catholic school teach you that sex is bad or disgusting? did your parents ever talk about sex with you and tell you it's bad? do you want to get help? this could be the root of your fear of sex

 

if you don't ever masturbate or never enjoy getting an orgasm, maybe you're just asexual. there are people out there who just would rather hold and kiss and do not enjoy sex. and that's purley okay, if you're okay with that.

 

but if you want to change this and would like to be intimate, then i would get help.

[SerenityIsDeath]

I masturbate regularly, but it's more of something I do when I'm bored. It rarely ever feels good. As far as I can recall the school I went to never said that sex was a bad thing, but they did say it was a sin to do it before marriage. No, my parents have never talked about sex with me. In fact, I've never had any formal sexual education. I learned nothing from my parents and I've never had sexual education in school. I've learned most of the things I know through hearing it in movies, friends, etc. And also, it's not just the physical action of sex. I can't stand to hear people talk about it in the slightest. It just makes me feel very uncomfortable. And yes, I do want these things to change, but I'm not sure how or why. I guess I'd just like to know why I feel this way. It depresses me alot, as you can imagine.

[SerenityIsDeath]

Does anyone else have any suggestions? I could really use your help.

[asdf]

no idea. the only other thing i can think of is that you might just have low testosterone levels (making you desire sex less).

[sweetharmony]

I would definitely see a doctor. Like asdf said, it could be low testosterone. I would get a physical form a doctor first. Check out your levels, check out all the physical aspects first, could have another medical problem causing this. Do you take anti-depressants or any SSRI medications, that could affect sexual desire. share your problem with your doctor, they know a lot more about the human body than you or I and they've probably experiecned people like you many times before. Don't be ashamed. If everything checks out okay, it is probably psychological and stems from something deeper or it could be that you are just asexual and perhaps it's genetic. If you think you might be Asexual, (that doesn't mean you don't enjoy the company of a woman) or enjoy kissing, etc...or intimate conversations, love. it just means that you have an aversion to sex, the act of, talking about, seeing, erc... and it's okay. There are many people out there. I did a search online and found this website called AVEN. Their web site is link removed. Maybe they can answer a few questions. I was curious about the topic so I browsed through a little. Some of the people share similar views as to what you say. Some still engage in intimacy with their partners, but only to please the other person. They have no sexual desire and some masturbate and experience orgasm, but it's not a a big deal to them- not so much enjoyable, but they can still orgasm. Many of the people have different levels of asexuality- not everyone's the same, so maybe someone on their message board could help you. Some of the people on their claim that asexuality is something your born with. Check out the site, b/c they will be able to relate more than I or some people on this site. Although, asexuality is sort of accepting this fact, which it sounds like something you don't want to do. You don't want to label yourself if really want to change. I wish you luck. See your doctor first, then psychollogist. Perhaps viagra or some other medication would do the trick. There are just too many options that I cannot diagnose. That's better left to an MD.

[SerenityIsDeath]

But if all these things are true, what am I supposed to tell her? I don't think she'll be very happy if I tell her I don't want sexual contact and don't get pleasure from her. Hell, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even have a girlfriend anymore.

[sprkal]

so, from this last post, it would seem that you just want to have the 'status' for lack of a better word, of having a girlfriend! Perhaps this isnt true, but if you care about this girl at all, then you must tell her how you feel! Honesty is very important. Sex isnt all that a relationship has to be.

 

In my opinion, perhaps you need to mature a little, whatever age you are, before getting into a sexual relationship. Maybe take some time out and concentrate on other stuff. Live life. And if yo uwant to be with this girl, consider having her as just a friend.

 

Overall, your happiness, and your comfort are what is most important, right!? You know what youve gotta do!

 

good luck

Sprkal

[SerenityIsDeath]

I don't care about the status of having a girlfriend. I just care about not letting her go, I love her with all of my heart. I don't want to hurt her. I'm pretty sure this would totally crush her, and I wouldn't know what to do to make it better.