Wondering how ex would respond?

[myJoy]

i am at a crossroad on a decision i need to make. i am hoping that there may be sound advice out here.

 

its been 2 mths since my relationship had ended. a typical story of me taking my ex for granted due to my own fears. she eventually found another guy who knows how to treat her well. i spent the past 2 mths trying to do all the right things to move on. as much as i want her back, i am at peace w/ whatever outcome this may lead to.

 

i am contemplating whether or not to send her a letter explaining how i really feel & how sorry i was for putting her through this, & that i am glad to accept her offer of friendship. additionally, i had made some efforts in putting together what i would like to call 'romantic & thoughtful gestures' –packages that i would like to give her. these packages contain items that sum up our past & my feelings for her. = to showing her that I care through actions w/o pressure.

 

i am not certain how she would take it. since she is in love w/ her new bf, would sending this letter & the items make her resent me for further confusing her at this time when she had already chose to be w/ her new love? would it possibly jeopardize my post-relationship friendship w/ her? i know well enough by doing so it would not cause her to want to come back. i am merely doing this so she would realize that i am madly in love w/ her contrary to what she may believe. however, i wonder how this would benefit my situation? i am told by her cousin that if i don't let her know how i feel, i am basically making the same mistake when we were together. there is strong possibility that she has deep feelings for me that she chose to bury.

 

any comments?

[Michael2]

Have you told her how you feel. If so, then no, I wouldnt send the letter.

[ElephantRider]

I have come to the conclusion that letters and emails and phone calls are not the best way to communicate. You need to see her body language and facial expressions. I suggest a face to face talk, maybe over a cup of coffee or a beer.

[spatzcolumbo]

...You do have to see their reactions and body language, but sometimes this still does not help. i saw my ex a few times, and felt there were still strong feelings there. I ended up saying goodbye to her because i needed more time to get over her. i told her how i was feeling - about how i clearly still have feelings for her even tho i thought i was fine. i told her how i still worry about her, and miss her. She looked really upset, and close to tears. She downplayed her new guy, and told me that if she had seen me with a new girl she would have been really upset and it would have stirred a lot of emotions in her. ultimately it just made me more confused about how she feels. So i don't really think that there is much difference between putting such feelings in a letter and saying them to her face to face. But i would send ONLY a letter. nothing more. just an honest letter which explains how YOU feel. not telling her how you WANT her to feel, or how she SHOULD feel. Just YOU and how YOU feel. nothing that pressures, nothing that asks for specific action, nothing that shows resentment.

 

Just my thoughts.

[kalona]

I agree, if you have already told her your true feelings then leave it at that. If you haven't then I definitely would do so. Have you two been in contact over the last 2 months? If so how has that been.

If you are to tell her do make sure it is in person(face-to-face) not only will you be able to read her better, but doing it this way shows you are courageous enough to face your fears and tell her to her face how you feel. It will show you mean everything you say and will come accross better. I'd be interested to know tho, if you have had contact at all before you make this decision. If you have had contact and have expressed your feelings to her before then you will be pushing her more but if you've had some contact which was relaxed where not much was discussed then GO FOR IT!!!! It's been 2 months and altho I believe things are meant to be I also believe that we have a part in creating our own destiny. Think positively about it!!!

cya

[myJoy]

thanks everyone!

 

during the time we broke up i did ask for a 2nd chance (calmly w/o begging). she agreed. but then i withdrew my request when she refused to stop seeing this new guy. explaining that i can find a way to make the relationship work again. i then started NC immediately. she would call & visit me regularly during the first 3 weeks. her bf objected but she got her way. after that she stopped calling & coming over - guess her bf must b putting on the pressure. we never talked about our relationship/feelings since the day we broke up.

 

her body language? last we saw each other we hugged for a long time & she cried. she still wears things i've given her. she got annoyed when i put all the stuff she gave me away, & told her we can't hangout.

 

so technically i never really told her how much i love her & my actions so far shows i've given up... since i never initiated contact.

[myJoy]

back then when she visited i would be cold & distant. she would innocently touch me & i would always withraw or pull away. when we separated our stuff she would want me to keep some sentimental items.. but i refused. simple things like that which i can tell she was annoyed.

 

if she still wears gifts that i had given her does that mean anything? i had immediately taken off a bracelet she gave me w/ her name engraved on it. i'm sure she must have noticed.

 

people think i'm sending out signals that i really don't care at all. kinda reinforcing my behavior during the relationship.

[ziggystar]

hey myjoy,

 

i think you need to be the person she wants you to be (providing that what you want to be also) and just stay consistent. nothing breeds uncertainty then inconsistency. be her close friend while letting her know you'd like to try again, but only at the point where her new bf is done. but if it isn't done, then being a friend is as far as you'll go.

 

not to sound sarcastic, but you should really listen to your own advice, because you have it down...lol

[DragonGirl724]

my joy,

 

i do not think she would have any right to resent you. if u havent already told her how u feel since the breakup then definitly go for it. so what u tell her how you feel? freedom of both speach & expression if she is in love w/ her new beau than she might jus respond to your letter via phone call or email & just say sumthin like 'im glad you realize the errs in your ways but i have moved on etc...' or you never know she might reconsider, OR she might not respond at all. i dont know how extreme your situation is really. but jus be prepared to get shot down possibly. i know im the kind of person that needs closure & that fulfillment knowing i did all i could now to show my ex i care just for a personal satisfaction. & if thats what your aiming for then by all means make yourself happy. give yourself the closure you need. b/c the worst feeling in the world to me is the feeling of not knowing and i hate "what ifs"...what if i said that or what if i did this...what if grandma had balls???...she'd be grandpa. lol

 

goodluck.

 

-jen

[myJoy]

perhaps that's what i need... closure. i love her very much & would take her back in a heartbeat.

 

when her cousin had asked her why she broke up w/ me she explained: 1) he never listens to my needs & dimisses everything i say - (taking her for granted); 2) he's always away on biz trips leaving depressed, unsatisfied & lonely; 3) he never makes me feel like he needs me.

 

i used to give her the silent treatment all the time making her think she did something wrong & she would start crying. basically the reason behind my actions was my fear of getting hurt - bad prevous relationship experience.

[ziggystar]

myjoy,

 

i think we follow this model of a relationship from what we experience when we were children. unfortunately with modern times and social, economic and cultural changes, that model no longer works.

 

if you got back with her would you be willing to accommodate her needs?

[myJoy]

it remains to be seen what our relationship will be like (& my attitude) if we get back together.

 

i think i am much more aware of my issues & her feelings & thoughts. i am confident that improvements on my part can be done & that better communication can be established. however, just as everything in life - there are no guarantees.

 

true love is always worth fighting for... no matter what the outcome. so i'm ready to dive in, if given the chance again.

 

this would have been so much easier if there was no new bf invloved. if she's not w/ someoone right now, i would not hesistate to create positive moments w/ her & let her know how i really feel. i only fear that now she appears to be in love w/ another, that my actions would only be perceived as offensive - since she might resent me for not having showed my feelings towards while we were still in a relationship... & i am only doing so now that she is gone.

[myJoy]

logically, i know that the best move is to be her friend now while she rides this new relationship out - & hopefully it's a rebound.

 

i can't help but wonder though about that time when we 1st broke up. like i said, she was willing to give me a 2nd chance but i didn't go for it. i wanted her to stop seeing that guy so that we can focus on saving our relationship. she persisted that the guy will be in the picture, & that i will just have to try & save the relationship while she keeps seeing him – & until she figures out if she's in love w/ him or not.

 

since that day, i basically walked the other way, stopped calling her & didn't do anything. i wonder if she feels that i have disappointed her once again by not fighting for her, or showing her that i need & love her – just as i had took her for granted during our relationship. this is why i am at crossroad on trying to decide if i should at least show her how much i love her (not pressuring her to come back), or if i should just wait.

 

as days go by, there relationship seems to get stronger as i understand. he is likely to be monitoring her contact w/ me. she on the other hand, had most likely given up on me altogether & learning to heal her pain. as she said, she waited for me to turn around for a year now… she is too tired to try on her part.